Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Q: What does an accountant use for birth control?
A: His/her personality.
Q: What's an accountant's idea of trashing his/her hotel room?
A: Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Q: What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
A: Go into town and gang-audit someone.
Q: What's the definition of an accountant?
A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Q: What's an actuary?
A: An accountant without the sense of humour.
Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.
Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
A: Invite an accountant.
Q: What's an extroverted accountant?
A: One who looks at your shoes while he's/she's talking to you instead of his/her own.
Q: There are three kinds of accountants in the world.
A: Those who can count and those who can't.
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant?
A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's/she's retiring.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
Old accountants never die. They just lose their balance.
My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is looking up is that it's flat on it's back.
A fellow is walking into a hospital and sees two doctors down on their hands and knees in one of the flower beds. He goes over and says, "Can I help? Have you lost something?" "No," says one of the doctors. "We're about to do a heart transplant on an accountant and we're looking for a suitable stone."
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep?" "That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing. Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day's work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation. His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
"Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window."
There once was a business owner who was interviewing people for a division manager position. He decided to select the individual that could answer the question "how much is 2+2?"
The engineer pulled out his slide rule and shuffled it back and forth, and finally announced, "It lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician said, "In two hours I can demonstrate it equals 4 with the following short proof."
The physicist declared, "It's in the magnitude of 1x101."
The logician paused for a long while and then said, "This problem is solvable."
The social worker said, "I don't know the answer, but I a glad that we discussed this important question.
The attorney stated, "In the case of Svenson vs. the State, 2+2 was declared to be 4."
The trader asked, "Are you buying or selling?"
The accountant looked at the business owner, then got out of his chair, went to see if anyone was listening at the door and pulled the drapes. Then he returned to the business owner, leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "What would you like it to be?"
A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.
Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."
Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures.
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old toy boy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
Why accountants don't read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times."
A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."
Budget: An orderly system for living beyond your means.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
Pick-Up Lines to use on Accounting Chicks
* You've got a lovely pair of W-2's.
* Please, baby, let me withhold you.
* Nice assets.
* Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.
* In my office, I.R.S. stands for I'm Really Sexy.
* Let's fill out a 1040 - you are a 10 and I'm a 40.
* If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?
* Technically, having sex with me is like a charitable gift.
* You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income... now let's do it.
* You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her.
How accountants do it...
Accountants do it by the book.
Accountants do it within budget.
Accountants do it to the bottom line.
Accountants do it with double entries.
Accountants do it between spreadsheets.
Accountants are Certified to do it in Public.
Accountants do it without losing their balance.
You might be an Accountant if...
* you refer to your child as Deduction 214.
* you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".
* you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.
* at the move Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.
* getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.
* your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
* you are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year.
* you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======".
How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
* "What kind of answer did you have in mind?"
* Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.
----------------------------------------------------------Why don't sharks attack bankers?
Professional courtesy.----------------A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.
As he tried it on, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets but to his surprise found none.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "You're a banker, right?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I am.""Well, whoever heard of a banker put his hand in his own pocket?"----------------
An investment banker said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one in the street yesterday.
Bankers are people that help you with problems you would not have had without them.
A man visits his bank manager and says, "How do I start a small business?" The manager replies, "Start a large one and wait six months."
If you owe the bank £100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank £100m, that's the bank's problem.
Hospitals report that the hearts of bankers are in strong demand by transplant patients, because they’ve never been used.
Bankers never die...They just lose interest.
What's the problem with banker jokes?
Bankers don't think they're funny, normal people don't think they're jokes.
The biggest joke of all?
Bailed out bank Lloyds paying for sense of humour training at the Comedy School.
That's one thing money can't buy.