Bar Jokes  
     5-11-13 

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father. The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?" The father replied "From the smell of his fingers,... our son in-law!"

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute.". "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?". "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

One day, little Tommy, bored out of his mind, went to his father for suggestions on what to do to pass the time. "I'll tell you what," said the father, "take this dollar and run into town and get me a dollars worth of what's what." Tommy grabbed the dollar, hopped on his bike and rode into town. Once there, he had to decide what store would have the what's what. He stopped in front of the pharmacy and went in. He went to the pharmacist's desk, held up the dollar and said, "I'd like a dollar's worth of what's what, please." The pharmacist knew immediately that the boy was on a wild goose chase and said, "If you go across the street, to the house with the red light on the front porch, they can get you some what's what." Tommy ran across the street and knocked on the front door. A tall, stunning blonde, completely naked, opened the door. Her pussy was right in little Tommy's face. Pointing to it he said, "what's that?" "What's what?" the whore replied. "Good, I'll take a dollar's worth."
5 Kinds of Sex
1.The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3.The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5.There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the room.....

Little Johnny was in trouble again.....He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming. As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see. "Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman." "WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking. After a while the boy stops. "You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way," he pleads. "Well, maybe," she says, "But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us." The boy stops and says, "Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing." The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the quiet countryside so loudly that the teams stop playing.
"Moooo ..... Moooooo ...... Moooooooon River .......!"

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, " If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!!!

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her sleeping someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked. "Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'" The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there. "I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She sat on the bed and spread open her legs. She got the voodoo dick out and laid it on the bed right in front of her, and said just as her husband has told her: "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" . The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit 9 Iron" He looks at the frog, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit Lucky frog" The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood" The guy takes out a 3 wood, and boom! Hole in one. The man is amazed and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man had golfed the best game of golf in his life. Then he asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog reply's, "Ribbit Las Vegas" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette" Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6" Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me" He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 17-year-old girl. "And that, your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing."

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper, and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape." "Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm. "Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet. So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word. "Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence. Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."

An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother.

A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set. "One dollar," the clerk replied. "You've got to be kidding." "Look, Mac," the clerk said, "do you want it or not?" Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the customer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker. "How much for that?" he asked the clerk. "Fifty cents," came the reply. The customer forked over the half dollar, saying, "What the heck is going on here?" "Nothing is going on here," the clerk snapped. "But my boss is at my house with my wife. And what he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business."

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nude beaches while they were there. They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him that the men with really big dicks were really really dumb, and that the woman with really big tits were really really dumb. When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was. The boy said, "Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, really dumb blond, and the longer they talked the dumber he got."

One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor's little girl entered his house, woke him up and said, "What is that between your legs?" He replied that is "my bird." He went back to sleep. She came back later and said, "What's that furry stuff around your bird?" He replied that's "my nest." So he went back to sleep. She came back later. "What's those two things under it?" He said those are "the eggs." She said, "Okay, can I play with your bird, and he said "ok." When he woke up later, he noticed that he was in the hospital. He saw the little girl and asked, "what happened?" She said, "When I was playing with your bird he spit in my eye so I chopped off his head, burnt down his nest and busted his eggs!"

3 Prostitutes, all hate life, decide to commit suicide together. They climb onto a tall building, and the first flops off, and lands on the pavement. It took a week to clean up her mess. The second took a really high leap, and summersaulted onto a car. It took a month to clean her up. The third took a really high leap, and landed on a lamp-post. It took years to wipe the smile off her face!

3 Prostitutes in a bar...first says "I can shove 3 fingers up my pussy!" The second said "I can shove my FIST up my pussy!". "Well I can shove ANYTHING up my pussy!" said the third, as she slowly slid down the bar stool.

A little old lady went into the Bank one day, carrying a bag of money. She asked to speak with the bank president to open an account because, "It's a lot of money!" The reluctant staff finally ushered her into his office. The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash on his desk. The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, "I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!" The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The old lady said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night, he was very nervous about the bet and often checked his balls in the mirror. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president said, "What wrong with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I'd have the Bank president's balls in my hand!"

 

An old Scot and a young Scot were sitting in the pub talking. The old man says to the young man; "Son, look out the window. You see that stone fence stretchin' out 'cross the moor as far as yer eye can see? Well I built that fence with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the fence builder? Nooooo."

"Now ya take a look up at the bar. See the perfectly constructed thing of beauty stretchin' across this great hall? Well, I built that bar with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? Noooo."

"Now take a look toward the sea. Do you see that magnificent pier, sturdy and straight, unmoving againt the sea and all her wrath? Well, I built that pier with me own two hands. But, do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? Noooo."

Then MacGregor leans in close to the young man and whispers....

"But ya fuck one goat..."

"You can fuck a million women, but you suck one dick, and you're a faggot."

An Irish guy is sitting at a bar (I know, joke over?, No) and a gay man walks in and whispers in his ear and says "I'll give you a blow job"

The Irish guy picks the gay man up and throws him out of the bar, the bartender asks "what was that all about?"

The Irish guy says "I dunno, something about a job."

Two whales go up to the bartender.

The bartender asks them what they want.

The first whale says, "WOOOOOOO. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

The second whale says, "Shut up, Frank, you're drunk."

A blind man walks into a bar and orders a pint. While the bartender is pouring it he says, "Want to hear a joke?" and she says, "OK."

He starts: "So there's this blonde..."

"Okay, hold on" says the bartender. "I can see you're blind so I'm gonna do you a favour here. Just so you know, I'm a blonde. The manager is a blonde. The bouncer is a blonde, and there's a good friend of mine by the window there, she's a black belt in karate, she's a blonde too. There's a couple of biker chicks at a table nearby, both blondes.

"So, you just have a think about that and ask yourself: do you really want to tell that joke?"

She gives him his drink. "Well, uh, I guess not," he says. "I don't wanna have to explain it six times."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says "Give me a pint", the second says "Give me half a pint", the third says "Give me a quarter of a pint", at which point the barman says "You're all idiots" and pours two pints.

An engineer and a mathematician are pulled into a place where there is a gorgeous naked woman sitting at the bar. They are both told that once every minute, they can walk half of the remaining distance to the woman. Hearing this, the mathematician immediately leaves, knowing he will never reach her. The engineer stays, and when asked why, he says, "Theoretically, I'll never reach her, but eventually I'll be close enough for practical purposes".

A software engineer, a mechanical engineer, and an electrical engineer are carpooling to work, when suddenly the car stops running and they pull over.

The mechanical engineer says, "I think it's a problem with the engine. I'll have to get out and inspect."

The electrical engineer says, "No, no. It's got to be an electrical issue. I will grab my meter and troubleshoot to find out what is going on."

The software engineer says, "Fuck all that. Let's just get out and get back in again."

A sandwich walks into a bar. "Pint of your finest please" he says. To which the barman replies "Sorry sir, we don't serve food".

A Times New Roman walks into a bar. "Pint of your finest please" he says. To which the barman replies "Sorry sir, we don't serve your type".

A man with a pick axe and shovel walks into a bar. "Pint of your finest please" he says. To which the barman replies "Sorry sir, we don't serve miners".

A man walks into a bar with a goat. "Pint of your finest please," he says. To which the barman replies, "Sorry sir, we don't serve kids."

A room-temperature superconductor walks into a bar. "Pint of your finest please." To which the barman replies "Sorry, we don't serve room-temperature superconductors." So the room-temperature superconductor left with no resistance.

NASCAR walks into a bar. "Pint of your finest please." To which the barman replies "Sorry, we don't serve your race here."

Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't.

An unending sequence of numbers walks into a bar. One of them exclaims "c is 1 today! Drinks to celebrate". The bartender serves an infinite number of drinks and says, "Okay, you guys are set".

A spiral galaxy walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman says "I can't serve you sir, you're barred." I'll be here all week.

f(x) walks into a bar and the barman says "sorry, we don't cater for functions" *

The ghost of xmas past walks into a bar and the barman says "sorry, we don't serve spirits"

A man and his Treaty Between the United States of America and the Russian Federation on Strategic Offensive Reductions walk into a bar. The man orders one pint for him, one for his treaty. The Barman says Sorry,we don't serve your SORT here."

Arial walks into a bar. "Pint of your finest please" she says. "Sorry...", the barman says as he  to a sign above the bar. "No serif, no service."

Mickey Mouse is sitting at a bar, slugging whiskey and holding back tears. The bartender say, "Hey, you gotta cheer up. So what if Minnie acts a little silly, it's not the end of the world."

Mickey looks up with bloodshot eyes and says, "You asshole, I didn't say she was silly, I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"

A man walks into a bar. He's an alcoholic and it's destroying his family.

A man walks into a bar and stays there my entire childhood

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "why the long face?". The horse replies "because I'm an alcoholic and it's destroying my family"

A guy comes into a bar...wait no it was a horse. So a guy comes into a horse.

Robot walks into a bar. Orders a drink, lays down a bill. Bartender says, "Hey we don't serve robots." And the robot says, "No, but someday you will."

Boy wants a car from his dad, dad says: "First you gotta cut that hair." Boy says "Hey dad, jesus had long hair," dad says, "That's right, son, jesus walked everywhere."

This guy is sitting at a bar, drinking is beer. Another man enters the bar and sits right next to him. The guy orders a beer then proceeds to take out this tiny man and a tiny piano from his bag. He sits him on the counter and the tiny man starts playing his piano.

The other guy goes:

"What the hell? Where did you get this little guy?" "Oh, I got him from the genie in the men's bathroom."

So the other guy rushes to the bathroom and sure enough, there is the genie.

The genie says: "Hi, I can grant you only one wish!"

"That's fine" he replies, "I wish for a million bucks."

So the genie spawns a million ducks. The guy is confused. He goes back to the other guy and tells him:

"Dude, I think your genie is a little bit deaf, I asked him for a million bucks and got a million ducks.."

"Yeah, did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

A man walks into a bar, he has two of the most beautiful women the bartender has ever seen with him and a small man standing on his shoulder. He walks over to the bartender and says, "a round for everyone."

The bartender says, "look buddy, I'll set them up, but you gotta pay for them first."

The man says, "no problem," as he pulls a massive wad of cash from his pocket.

The bartender pours a drink for everyone in the bar, but as he finishes pouring the last one, the little man jumps off of the guys shoulder, and runs along the bar knocking all of the drinks over and giggling.

The man, unsurprised, says, "don't worry about it, pour them again, I'll pay for another."

The bartender sets up another round and the little man jumps off of the man's shoulder and runs down the bar, laughing, knocking all of the drinks over.

The man sighs and says, "just set up another one, I'll pay."

The bartender looks at him and says, "buddy, I'll keep setting them up all night, but you've got to tell me what the fuck is going on here."

The man looks at him sadly and says, "well you see sir, I found this magic lamp and I rubbed it and a genie came out. The genie said I had three wishes, so first, I asked for all of the money in the world. So now, whenever I reach into my pocket there's a massive wad of cash. For my second wish, I wished that I'd have beautiful women with me wherever I go and so now, wherever I am, two beautiful women follow me there. And for my third wish, I wished for a 12 inch prick" sighing as he  to the little man, "and here he is."

A guy walks into a bar on the Space Needle. There's a dude at the bar he sits next to who says that, when the wind is just right, you can jump off the balcony and you'll be swept right back up. The first guy doesn't believe him, so they go out on the balcony and the second guy jumps off, falls a few feet and then WHOOSH ends up back on the balcony. The second guy thinks this looks amazing, and when the first guy says "ok, go!" he jumps off, and plummets to his death.

The first guy comes back inside and the bartender says, "You are really a douchebag when you're drunk, superman."

A man walks into a bar at the top of a skyscraper. He orders a shot, the bartender pours it. He downs the drink and then jumps out the window. The drunk in the corner sees this and thinks "oh wow, that's depressing." Two hours later, the first guy walks into the bar again, orders a shot, downs it, jumps out the window. The drunk thinks he's seeing things and goes back to his drink. Again, the first guy walks in, drink, jumps out the window. The drunk has had enough, he says "If he can do it, I can do it too! Give me what he's having!" The bartender pours the shot, the drunk takes it, jumps out the window and BAM! He hits the ground, dying on impact. Two hours later the first man walks back into the bar and the bartender tells him "Superman, you've really got to stop fucking with my customers."

A baby seal walks into a club.

The owner then tried to return it, but the store rep said warranty void if seal is broken.

A seal walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "what can I get you?"

"Anything, as long as it's not Canadian Club on the rocks."

Guy runs into a bar in a panic. "Does anybody here own a six-foot penguin?" he asks. Everybody shakes their heads no. "Well shit!" says the guy, "I think I just ran over a nun."

After a massive night on the grog with Snow White, the Seven Dwarfs are walking around their local village to the different churches, rather hungover, but desperately trying to find a nun.

At the first church, Grumpy demands to know if there are any nuns in the church. The priest says “no, there are no nuns here”. All the time the 6 other Dwarfs die with laughter behind grumpy.

Getting grumpy, Grumpy moves on to the other church in the village, only to find the same answer, there are no nuns there either. The other Dwarfs are gasping for air by now, in uncontrollable laughter.

Grumpy is infuriated and so made he may need sedation soon.

He tries one more church with the 6 Dwarfs slowly following behinds, pushing one another along with laughter. But alas, there were no nuns at the last church. Grump, storms out of the church, while his 6 Dwarfs chant with hilarity…

“Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a Penguin!”

A woman at the bar orders a scotch on the rocks. The bartender throws ice in the glass, pours the drink and sets it in front of her. She says, "Hey, you touched the ice with your hands! It's dirty!" He replies, "Lady, my hands are in water all day, they're clean." She says, "I don't care, I want you to use the ice tongs." Rolling his eyes, he makes her a new drink using the ice tongs, and she's happy. After a few drinks, she says to the bartender, "Hey, what is that string attached to the zipper on your pants?" He replies, "You know how we were talking earlier about clean hands? Well, I use that string to unzip when I have to go to the bathroom so I don't have to touch the zipper." She ponders that for a while, then asks, "But...but...how do you get it out of your pants?" "Oh," he says nonchalantly, "I use the ice tongs."...............................(I won a bottle of champagne at a New Year's Party once for telling this joke.)

A black guy with a parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender looks up, sees the parrot and says, "Hey, neat, where'd you get that?" The parrot replies "Africa! They're all over the fucking place!"

A rabbi walks into a bar. On his shoulder is a frog with a coat, a top-hat, and a cane. The bar tender say, "Wow, where'd you get that?" The frog replies, "Brooklyn. They're everywhere."

A byte walk into a bar and orders a stiff drink. The bartender asks, "Whats the matter?"

"Parity Error." Replies the byte.

Then the bartender says, "Yeah, you looked a bit off".

Renee Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks him, "The usual today, Renee?" Descartes looks and him and responds, "I think not," and POOF! He ceases to exist.

So there's a beer convention in town, and afterward the heads of Budweiser, Coors, and Guinness all go out for dinner. The waitress comes up and asks them what they'd like to drink. Of course, the head of Budweiser replies, "I'll have a Bud."

"Coors for me, thanks." says the other.

When she asks the head of Guinness what he'd like, he simply replies "I'll just have a water, thanks."

As she goes on her way to fetch the drinks, the two look over at the Guinness guy and snicker just a little bit. "What's the matter, Hughes? Not having a Guinness?"

The Guinness CEO looks over at the other two and calmly replies, "Well, if you two aren't drinking, neither am I."

So while traveling, a Texas businessman steps into a pub in Ireland. "So I hear you Irishmen are a bunch of hard drinkers! Well I'd like to see that! I've got $1,000 in hard cash for anyone who can do 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back!"

A guy at the end the bar snorts, a couple in the corner goes back to their conversation, and for the most part he's largely ignored. One man leaves the bar.

So the Texan snickers to himself and goes about having his drink at the bar.

About a half hour later, the man that left earlier comes back in, and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, but is your bet still good?"

"Why, hell yes, boy!" he says. The bartender rounds up 10 pints of Guinness on the bar and it's on.

The Texan watches in shock and amazement as the man slams down pint after pint, until the last empty glass hits the bar, and all 10 pints are down in what seemed like seconds. "Well hell, that was easily worth $1,000 to see. If I may ask though- where did leave to earlier?"

"Oh," says the man, "I had to go to the bar down the street to make sure I could do it."

Why is American beer like having sex on a boat?

Both are fucking close to water.

A guy walks into a bar, and order 5 shots. Bartender says, "Jeez, you look like you just got some bad news." Guy says, "Yea, just found out my dads gay and he's leaving my mom." So the guy downs the 5 shots and drinks the rest of the night.

The next day he comes back, and orders 5 shots again. Bartender says, "What happened now?" Guy says, "Just found out my brother's gay and he's leaving his wife." So the guy downs the 5 shots again, and drinks until closing time.

The next day he comes back again, and orders 5 more shots. Bartender says, "Jesus, doesn't anybody in your family like women?" Guy says, "Yea, my wife".

This guy sits at a bar, shaking his head in disbelief, watching this other guy who keeps disappearing into the back room with girl after girl after girl...

Finally, he gets up the nerve to ask the other guy: "Hey man, what's your secret?"

The other guy says: "Watch and learn."

Girl walks by, guy says: "Hey. Tickle your ass with a feather."

Girl says: "What?!"

Guy smiles and says: "I said 'It's particularly nasty weather.' Jeez. What'd you think I said?"

Girls storms off angrily.

Another girl walks by.

Guy says: "Tickle your ass with a feather."

Girl says: "Hah. WTF? Why not? Let's go!"

The two disappear for a few minutes into the back room.

The lonely guy can't believe his eyes. He thanks his teacher when he returns, and proceeds to drink for the next few hours, hoping to gain enough liquid courage to close the deal... Finally, the time arrives...

Girls walks by.

Guy says: "Hey! Hey you!"

Girl's like: "What?!?"

Guy says: "Stick a feather up your ass!"

Girl says: "WHAT?!!"

Guy says: "It's fucking raining!"

The other day I was at the bar and a pirate sat at the stool next to me with a steering wheel on his lap. I look over and ask him why he has a steering wheel on his lap.

"AARRGH! IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS!"

Once when I was drinking at the bar, a pirate showed up with a paper towel on his head. Baffled at the sight of a pirate, I had to ask why he had a paper towel on his head. To which he replied "Arrr, I have to watch meself as there's a large bounty on me head."

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house. His wife said, "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt." George told his wife, "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!" So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze. George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt. George yelled, "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!" Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife. Bill told him, "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned." So, when George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room. She yelled, "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!" George responded, "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned." His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills. George's wife asked, "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?" George then said, "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."

Past, Present, and Future walk into a bar. It was tense.

It's the final night in a string of performances of Beethoven's 9th Symphony, by the London Symphony Orchestra. Now, there is some background information needed for this joke. Beethoven's 9th has an obscenely long period of rests for the bass section. Pages upon pages of nothing but silence, while the rest of the orchestra plays. After night after night of this boredom, the bassists are fed up, and decide to have some fun on this, their last night. During the long rest period, they left to go down to the pub to have a few beers. In order to extend their break as long as possible, they had tied each page of the conductor's score together, ensuring that it would take him several moments to untie each page as the symphony progressed.

After a long while drinking, and just as the end of the symphony is approaching, the bassist stumble and stagger back over to the concert hall, into the backstage area, where they are immediately met by the orchestra's manager. He attempts to give them an earful for wandering off, but they ignore him and stagger back out on stage, picking up their basses for the last few pages of the 9th. The manager's assistant approached him, and asked why he looked so worried. He turned to him and shouted, "Of course I'm worried! It's the end of the 9th, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded!"

Two condoms are walking down the street. One turns to the other and asks "what are we going to do tonight?". The second condom replies "I know a gay bar down the street where we can go get shitfaced!"

A string walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender angrily says "We don't serve strings here!"

String: "But all I want is a drink!"

Bartender: "I said no strings!"

Dejectedly, the string goes outside. Thinking for a moment, the string then ruffles up his hair and around his feet. He then convulses and wraps himself around all crazy like. He then walks back into the bar.

The bartender is aghast. "Aren't you the same string I just kicked out of here?"

"No, sir. I'm a frayed knot."

An Englishman, an Irishman and an Scotsman step up to the bar and order a pint each. The bartender slides the three pints toward them; all the pints having a fly floating on the head of the beer.

The Englishman looks at his beer and pushes it away in disgust. The Irishman examines his pint for a second, shrugs his shoulders and takes a huge gulp. The Scotsman looks at his beer, his face goes red with rage. He grabs the fly by the wings, and shakes it over his pint screaming "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!!!"

The Scotsman is angry that the fly may have sipped some of his beer.

A guy walks into a bar, and carries with him a small octopus. He sets him on the bar and orders a drink. It just so happens that this is the bar where the Boston Symphony musicians like to hang out after their performances, and indeed they're all there tonight.

The flautist finally lets curiosity get the better of him, so he goes up to the guy and asks, "What's the deal with your octopus?" The man replies, "I'll bet you 50$ that he can play any of your instruments just as well as you!"

The flautist starts laughing and thinks this is an easy way to get 50$. He goes back to his seat, grabs his flute and brings it back to the octopus. Sure enough, the octopus takes the flute from him, puts the mouthpiece to his beak and starts playing a beautiful tune. The flautist is stunned, and returns to his seat 50$ poorer.

Seeing this amazing spectacle, the violinist thinks to himself, "The octopus doesn't even have a chin! There's no way he can play MY instrument!" He goes up to the man at the bar and says as much to him. The man replies, "The bet's the same; 50$ says he can play your violin just fine!" The violinist grabs his instrument and hands it to the octopus. He immediately starts playing a very moving piece. The violinist can't believe it, and he returns to his seat, 50$ poorer.

The bagpiper sees this happen, and thinks to himself, "There's NO WAY that octopus can play my bagpipes. I'm going to be the first one to get 50$ off this guy!" So he walks up to the octopus and hands him the bagpipes. The octopus looks at them, turns them over, pokes at them, but makes no move to play them. The man says to the octopus, "What do you think you're doing? Play the damned thing already!" The octopus looks at him and says, "Play it? As soon as I figure out how to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it!"

A priest, a pedophile and a rapist enter a bar. And that's just the first guy.

A white horse walks into a bar and says "I'll have a scotch". The barman says "Hey we've got a scotch named after you!". The horse says "What? Eric?"

An American on vacation in Ireland walks into the pub. He says, "Alright, I hear you Irish can drink. I've got five hundred dollars here that says no one can drink ten pints of Guinness in a row." The bar falls silent. The band stops. Everyone just stares. One guy even gets up and leaves. The American says, "oh well" and takes a seat at the bar and orders a drink.

A few minutes later, the guy returns and asks, "Hey mister, is that money still on the table?" "Well sure it is" he replies.

The bartender pours out ten pints, and the man proceeds to drink them one after the other.

When he's done, the American says, "Well, I'm a man of my word, so here's your money. But I gotta ask, where did you go?"

He says: "I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first!

Why was the dyslexic kicked out of the bar?

He was spitting in the TIPS jar.

A group of guys are having some drinks at a bar. One guy, obviously drunk, gets up and staggers to the bartender to make a bet. "Scuse me. I haf a prepozition for chou. I betcha one towsand dullars I kin piss'n fill up dat bar glash on da ahver side ov da bar."

He slams ten hundreds on the bar and the bartender shrugs and says "Ok, go ahead."

The guy unzips and immediately starts pissing everywhere. He pisses on the floor, the tables, the other customers. He pisses on the bartender and all over the walls. Just about everywhere except the beer glass on the other side of the bar. The bartender is excited and says "Ha! Thank you very much! Stupid drunk, you just lost a thousand bucks!" as he scoops up the stack of bills.

The drunk replied "Ish ok, I bet mah buddiesh five towsand dullars I could pish all ahver da bar and chou'd be happy about it."

A man goes into a bar and sees a horse sitting at the bar with a long face. He orders a drink and then sees a sign behind the bar that reads "$100 if you make the horse laugh" The man tells the bartender he'll take that challenge. He leans over and whispers in the horses ear. Immediately the horse starts laughing hysterically. The man gets his money and leaves with the horse still cracking up.

The next day the same man comes in and sees that the horse is still laughing and the sign has been changed to "$100 if you make the horse stop laughing" The man taps the horse's shoulder then  down. The horse looks down and immediately turns sad.

The bartender is amazed and pays the man again. He asks how the man did that and he replied. "Well, yesterday I whispered to the horse that I have a bigger dick. And today I showed it to him."

What's this? ::hold up index and middle finger in the shape of a V::

Its a Roman Legionnaire ordering 5 beers.

A dog slams the doors of an old saloon open. He's got a nice hat, a nice leather vest, and two guns hanging from his hips. The saloon goes silent, and the dog slowly limps up to the bar. The bartender says, "Can I help you?" The dog replies, "Yep. I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A guy is sitting alone in a bar nursing his drink. The bartender is at the other end of the bar cleaning a glass. The guy suddenly hears a little whisper of a voice that says, "Nice hat."

He looks around but he's the only one nearby. He thinks nothing of it and keeps drinking. A few minutes later he hears this same voice, "Nice shirt."

Now he's getting a little paranoid because there's still no one else in the bar. He calls the bartender over and orders another drink. Several minutes later he hears the voice, "Nice tie."

He just about loses it. He calls the bartender over and says, "man, am I going crazy? I keep hearing voices!" The bartender asks, "What are they saying?" "Nice hat, nice shirt, nice tie." The bartender says, "ah, it's the peanuts; they're complimentary."

"A guy comes in a bar", wait, wait. It was a horse. "A guy comes in a horse ..."

Wow, I can see that being absolutely hilarious if you tell it nonchalantly after a few drinks.

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash and drinks his wallet dry. Wanting another he calls the bartender over... Guy: "Hey I'm tapped out but I'd sure like one more drink. Would you give me a free one if I can get this dog to talk?"

Barkeep: "Sure if that dog talks, I'll give you one. Otherwise I'll toss the both of you out on your asses for wasting my time."

Guy: "Deal! Dog... What's on top of a house?"

Dog: "Roof, Roof!"

Barkeep: "OK, Out ya go."

Guy: "Wait a sec.... Dog... What's on the outside of a tree?"

Dog: "Bark, Bark!"

Barkeep: "Jesus... OK get ready to get tossed out."

Guy: " WAIT This dog can talk. Dog...Who's the greatest baseball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth, Ruth!"

A few minutes later the guy and his dog are laying in a bloody heap outside. The dog looks at the guy and says "Guess I should have said DiMaggio".

A guy walks into his favorite bar, orders his usual and sits down next to another regular.

"You wouldn't believe what happened to me last night after I left here," he says to the man. "I was walking home and came across a naked woman tied up across the train tracks. It was like something out of a cartoon, man. I untied her and took her back to my place and fucked her hard all night. And she was smoking hot too. Smooth, perfect legs, a firm, round ass, a tiny waist and great perky tits with tiny little pink nipples..."

"Wow, was she pretty too?" the other man asked.

"I don't know," he replied. "I never found the head."

A guy walks into a bar and orders three very expensive triple-shots. No sooner does the bartender set the drinks down, the guy gulps each one down in turn. "Three more!" he whispers, shaking his head. The bartender sets up three more and once again the guy gulps them down quickly. The bartender says, "Whoa there mister. You're drinking those down pretty fast." The guys replies, "You'd drink like me too if you had what I have." The bartender is taken aback and quietly asks, "Gee, I'm sorry man. May I ask what you have?" The guy replies, "Fifty cents."

A skeleton walks into a bar and says:

"Gimme a beer. And a mop."

A young man at a bar orders 10 shots of whiskey and drinks them straight down. The bartender asks "Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob" says the youth "That's great" says the 'tender "Let me get you one" The young man replies "No thanks, if that doesn't get rid of the taste nothing will"

A guy walks into a bar and orders ten times his usual number of drinks. The bartender says "Wow, that's an order of magnitude."

A sad carbon atom is sitting at a bar. Bartender asks what's wrong. Carbon replies "I think I've lost an electron." "Are you sure?" "I'm positive."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a pint. "How much?" asks the neutron. The barman replies "For you, no charge."

A gold atom walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and yells.

"Aye, You! Get out of here!"

A Helium atom walks into a bar, and the bartender says to him

"I'm sorry, we don't serve Helium here."

But the Helium doesn't react.

Two neutrinos go through a bar...

A biologist walks into a bar, orders a pint of Adenosine triphosphate and asks "How much?". The barman replies "For you mate, that'll be ATP".

A molecular biologist walks into a bar and orders a pint of restriction endonucleases. He came to a sticky end.

A bar walks into a Tachyon.

A man and giraffe walk into a bar and get totally faceless drunk. The giraffe passes out and man gets up to leave. Barman says “you can’t leave that lyin' there.” Man says “it’s not a lion it’s a giraffe.”

Two strings walk into a bar.

The first string says "Bartender! I'll have a drink@ÍàaPÍT3,Nùc [Qg¶Dâa}ÇîëHnA¤}í¸¦b¯ß ©Ôú½¸¨È4c*«<Í Mªbç}¥9SÂ,µ¹§ý¯VsËBK0Ó¢MÐvÕ"

The second string says, "Sorry, you'll have to excuse my friend. He's not null terminated."

A man walks into a bar and sees a dog in the corner licking its balls. He walks up to the bartender and orders a drink. He motions towards the dog and tells the bartender, "man, I wish I could do that". The bartender says, "well, you should probably pet him first".

A man walks into a bar and notices a huge pot of money on the counter. "Hey barkeep, what's with the money?" he asks. "What, that? That's the prize, my good man. Ten bucks gets you a chance." So, the man whips out a ten-spot, throws it in, and the bartender goes over the rules. "So here's how it goes: you've got three tasks to do. First, see that big guy down there at the end of the bar? The one that looks like the Incredible Hulk on steroids? You have to run down there, tackle him to the ground, and kiss him square on the forehead. If you live through that, there's a dog out back. Mean as a wolverine in a bear-trap. That ol' cur has a rotten tooth, and I need you to pull it. If you make it through all that, you're on to the last task, which is the most difficult. Up those stairs is a 90 year old woman, and, well, she's been awfully lonely for a good while, but has seen her share of men over the years. Her dying wish is to have one more orgasm. You're going to give it to her. That's it, and good luck!"

So the guy pounds a few beers, looks down the counter, takes a flying leap, and goes to work. The big guy tosses him about pretty good, but eventually he scores a lucky break, trips up the beast of a man, and is able to kiss him on the forehead. "One down! Two to go!" shouts the bartender.

The man goes out the back door, and everyone in the bar hears a bunch of growling and snarling, followed by a series of high-pitched yelps.

The man walks in and says, "It's done. Now, where's that old lady who needs her tooth pulled again?"

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and  to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best cocksucker in town!"

Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back,  to the same guy, and says, "I just fucked your mom and it was really great!"

The guy looks the drunk straight in the eye and says: "Dad, go home---you're drunk!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bartender says "that'll be 5 cents please." "5 cents?," the man asks, incredulously, "well, for that price, I think I'll have a nice T-bone steak and a glass of red wine."

"No problem," the bartender says, "that'll be 10 cents please." "10 cents?" the man asks, "what's going on here, where's the owner of this place?"

"He's upstairs with my wife," the bartender says. "Well what the hells he doing up there?" the man asks.

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

The scene in Good Will Hunting where Minnie Driver tells the blow job joke starts with Affleck finishing a monkey joke. Anyone know that joke?

Well, let's see if you can get this one. I've got a little story for you. All right. There's an old couple in bed. Mary and Paddy. And they wake up on the morning their... fiftieth anniversary. And Mary looks over and gazes adoringly at Paddy, she's like, "Aw, Jesus, Paddy. You're such a good lookin' feller. I love you. I want to give you a little present. Anything your little heart desires, I'm going to give it to ya'. What would you like?" And Paddy's like, "Aw, gee, Mary, that's a very sweet offer. Now, in fifty years, there's one thing that's been missing. And uh... I would like you to give me a blow job. I would like that." And Mary's like, "All right." She takes her teeth out, puts them in the glass and she gives him a blow job. And afterwards, Paddy's like, "Ah, geez, now THAT's what I've been missin'. That was the most beautiful, Earth-shatterin' thing ever. Beautiful Mary, I love ya'! Is there anything that I can do for you?" And Mary looks up at him and she goes, (letting beer spill out of her mouth) "Give us a kiss!"

I came here to post this again and win the karma war. I see it was over before it began.

Three girls go out one night and get really wasted. At the end of the night they part ways and promise to meet the next morning for a big greasy breakfast.

The next morning all three girls show up looking much the worse for the wear and begin to retell there various adventures in heading home.

“When I walked through the front door” the first girl starts “I made it about three steps before lying down and blowing chunks for about 15 mins”.

The other girls agreed that yes, that was pretty bad.

Then the second girl claimed she could top that. “When I was leaving I thought it would be a good idea to drive my car home, and I subsequently wrapped it round a tree and wrote it off. I’m lucky to be here.”

The other two were shocked.

Thinking she could top even that the third girl piped up,“well, when I got home I put the stove on to make some eggs and passed out, forgetting about them and burnt out half my kitchen.”

There was a stunned silence until the first girl coughed and said :

“I don’t think you guys understand, Chunks is the name of my dog

This guy is driving down the highway when he sees a sign that says, "Peaches that taste like anything - 1 mile". He's confused, but intrigued. As he is about to pass the general store with the same sign out front, he decides that he needs to stretch his legs and he just has to find out what the hell that means.

He walks in to the store and says to the clerk, "I couldn't help but notice your sign on the road back there. What do you mean 'peaches that taste like anything'"? The clerk fires back, "Well, just what it sounds like. I'll make you a peach that tastes like anything you want. I'll give you a free sample to prove it. What would you like?"

The man thinks about it for a minute and decides that he wants an apple. So he tells the clerk to make him a peach that tastes like an apple. The clerk nods and shuffles into the back of the store for a minute or two and emerges with a perfectly normal looking peach. The man takes a bite and is astounded. "Sure enough! That tastes just like an apple! That's amazing!"

The clerk, looking quite proud of his work, says, "Try something else! Give me something you'd never think I could do." The man thinks about it again for a while and finally decides that he wants a peach that tastes like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The clerk scratches his head for a second, motions for the traveler to give him a minute, and then disappears into the back again.

A few minutes later, the clerk emerges with yet another beautiful peach. Doubtfully, the man takes the peach from the clerk and takes a huge bite. Amazed, the man says, "Wow! That is delicious! Honestly though it only tastes like peanut butter." The clerk gives the man a knowing nod and tells the traveler to turn the peach around. The man turns the peach around and takes a bite from the other side of the peach. "Incredible! That tastes just like jelly!" the man says.

Now beaming with joy, the clerk asks the traveler to give him one more test. The man thinks long and hard for something that will surely stump this seemingly magical purveyor of fruit. After a few minutes of deliberation, the man smirks and looks at the clerk. "I travel all over the country for my job." he says. "I miss my wife dearly and while I can take care of myself for the most part, there are certain things I long for on the road. Can you make me a peach that tastes like pussy?" the man asks.

The clerks eyes light up like a blacksmith who has been asked to forge Excalibur. "Give me just minute" the clerk says and once again vanishes into the back of the store. A short time later the clerk emerges with the most succulent looking peach the traveler has ever seen. The man eagerly bites into the peach and then almost immediately spits it all over the clerk's counter. "Oh my god! This tastes like shit!" the man yells in disgusted rage.

The clerks looks at the traveler and says, "Turn it around."

I walked into the bar the other day and saw a bear sitting at one end of the bar drinking a beer, and a beautiful woman sitting at the other end drinking a gin and tonic. I walked up to the woman and offered to buy her a drink. She immediately said "Yes, thank you!" so I asked the bartender for two gin and tonics. As soon as the bartender delivered the drinks, the woman said "Now get lost, loser." Knowing that I had just been had, I walked to the other end of the bar and sat next to the bear. The bear said "I just saw what that bitch did to you, and it really pisses me off!" I told the bear, "Don't worry about it, some people are just like that." The bear was really angry though, and slammed down the rest of his beer and walked to the other end of the bar and said, "You know what? You are a bitch!" The woman, clearly upset at being called a bitch, took her gin and tonic and threw it in the bear's face. The bear was now infuriated. He grabbed the woman and immediately devoured her. The bear, sensing that he might have stepped over the line, sulked back to my end of the bar and sat next to me. He was now racked by the guilt of killing and eating this woman. He called to the bartender and said "Give me three shots of tequila." The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve drug users in this bar." The bear said "What do you mean? I'm not a drug user..." The bartender said, "That was a bar bitch you ate."

 What did Cinderlla say when she got to the ball? <GAG> (i usually just make the murloc sound from WoW)

what do a walrus and tupperware have in common? (They are both looking for a tight seal)

  Gold walks into a bar and sees Silver, and says to him "Au, what's up?" Copper walks by and angrily shouts "Ag, get out!" Not wanting any trouble, Gold leaves, saying "Alright, alright, Cu"

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender looks at her and says: "why the long face?"

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. Bartender looks at her and says: "why the horse face?"

A cantilever beam walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What'll you have?" The cantilever beam says, "Give me a moment".

What's the difference between a goose, a duck, and a lawyer?

A goose can stick his bill up his ass, a duck can't, and a lawyer should.

Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Three blind mice walk into a bar, but they are unaware of their surroundings so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

A woman walks into the bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says to her, "Damn, you are totally gonna get laid tonight." The lady responds, "Wow, thanks. Is it because of something I'm wearing?" The bartenders says, "No, it's because I'm stronger than you."

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ''I'm Jesus Christ.'' The first priest says, ''No, son, you are not Jesus Christ.'' So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ''No, son, you are not Jesus Christ.'' The drunk says, ''Look, I can prove it.'' and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes one look at the drunk and exclaims, ''Jesus Christ, you again?''

A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here." Mushroom replies "Why? I'm a fun guy.

A C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar, but the Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve minors". A virus walks into a bar. The Bartender says "we don't serve viruses in here," so the virus replaces him and says "Now we do." Two bacteria walk into a bar. The Bartender says "we don't serve bacteria in here". The bacteria say "But we work here. We're Staph" A neutrino walks into a bar. The Bartender says "We don't serve neutrinos in this bar" and the neutrino says "Don't worry, I'm just passing through"

A grizzly bear walks into a bar and says "I'll have a... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Gin & Tonic please". The barman says "Why the big paws?"