"I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the
fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then
we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, y'know.
We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the
sheepherder's feet.
"Pick it up."
"I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me."
"Pick up the gun."
"Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard
rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham
is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking
for no trouble, Mister."
"Pick up the gun."
(He picks it up. Three shots ring out.)
"You all saw him - he had a gun."
I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which
we live and shut your fuckin' mouth.
Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see
through you.
A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes
back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis
wearing a rifle pendant.
Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.
People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you
know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking
drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've
already got all our airports.
People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy,
"Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be
ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every
night praying for abduction.
It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years
ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?
I don't do drugs anymore... than say, the average touring funk band.
"This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever
ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain.
If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn
all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those
artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives?
RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high
they let Ringo sing a few songs.
The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock
Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one
child with a full time job and children.
Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your
ass.
I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking
IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.
We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about
abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What
matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for
life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on.
"Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco?
They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and
they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you
think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the
fuck up.
Because you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards they sound
better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them, they're so
good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for the children."
Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your
children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking ROCKED! I don't
care if they died in puddles of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from
his fucking HEART!
I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House.
I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a
book, right? Waitress walks over to me: "<smack smack smack smack> Hey, whatchoo
readin' for?"
Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I
readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I
read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the
main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.
Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes
sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes
sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like...every commercial on television, doesn't
it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not
thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection
they're trying to make.
Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and
smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy,
see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm
another human being on this planet?
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't
the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural? You
know what I mean? It's nature. How do you make nature against the fucking law?
I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow
yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty
stage.
I dunno how much AIDS scares y'all, but I got a theory: the day they come out
with a cure for AIDS, a guaranteed one-shot cure, on that day there's gonna be
fucking in the streets, man.
I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help
speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever
expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only
way you can right now. (Starts blinking)
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When
you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just
realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved?
You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands
and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.
I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm
fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so
blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I
think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on
in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago,
just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like,
alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life
here...
No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I
used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly,
and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore,
but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered
anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a
job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.
Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no
matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that
it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and
the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is
to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me."
It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No
effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear
and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns,
close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.
One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to
come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to
for years.
We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes
out.
I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus
with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it
you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes
up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very
brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have
been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or
is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to
us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a
ride." And we kill those people.
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
That's an act, that's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an alcoholic! Dude,
I'm tripping right now, and I still see that that's a fucking egg, alright? I
see the UFO's around it, but that's a goddamn egg in the middle. There's a
hobbit eating it, but goddammit that hobbit's eating a fucking egg! He's on a
unicorn. But, no, th-th-th-that's a fucking egg. How dare you have a wino tell
me not to do drugs!
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.
It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for
ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough
through this shit one more time.
By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Thank
you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one
day they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill
yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no
rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill
yourselves, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously, no, this
is not a joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's no fucking joke
coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage, you are
fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the only way to save your
fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the
show.
"You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation
dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've
done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing
that, you scumbags, quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on
this planet!
I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the fall of man
occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam
said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll
never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we
have them." And Eve said, "Yeah... it's just not enough is it?"
Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired.
Go back to bed America, your goverment is in control. Here, here's American
Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American
Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their
fucking skulls together and congratulate you on the living in the land of
freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what well tell you! You are
free to do what we tell you!
I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And you feel it.
You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense each year,
trillions of dollars, correct? Instead -- just play with this -- if we spent
that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world -- and it would pay for it
many times over, not one human being excluded -- we can explore space together,
both inner and outer, forever in peace. Thank you very much. You've been great,
I hope you enjoyed it.
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's
pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child
abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet
proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his
side.
See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the
United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United
States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the
money!
-- Bill Hicks, on being censored from "The Late Show with David Letterman"
Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that
the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.
"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way
back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."
Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much
trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old?
"That's right."
Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?
"Uh-huh."
Dinosaurs.
You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in
that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some
point.
"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by
a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run
a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he
took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his
friend.
"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years
inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and
their fat dollar bills.
"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you
Lord."
People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest?
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen
to.