Brahmin jokes This work contains Brahmin jokes, humour about the "priesthood" of India. It is not a racist work, for the word `Brahmin' in this work means the priesthood of India and not any member of any race or caste. The jokes are meant for a mature audience
Mr.V.V.Shastri was a teacher in an engineering college of Mathura. His English was famous.
Whenever the principal would cross his class, he would tell the students, `Shhh! Quiet, boys! The principal has just passed away in the corridor!'. At other times he wold say, "Hey, u students, please keep quiet. The principal is rotating outside"
Once, he told a group of three boys with whom he was very cross, `Both of you three, get out of the class!'
When he told students to meet him after the class, he would say, `Meet me behind the class!'
Kalpana Mishra made a phone call to the council complaining: 'Our toilet seat is broken in half, and is now in three pieces. Can you tell me where I stand?'
Once Pandey wrote to the city authorities; 'I am writing on behalf of my sink which is running away from the wall!'
'What a miserable party,' said Chobe. 'The bhang flowed like glue!'
Speaking Gooder English
Mr. Kailash Dikshit, who belonged to a very prominent Brahmin family, was a Hindi and Sanskrit teacher of KDM school, Mathura. Whenever he wanted the windows to be opened, he would say, `Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in!' At other times, he would say, `Open the doors of the window, let the Air Force come in.' Once, he was very angry with a girl student. `You, meet me behind the class!' he shouted at her. Once, he shouted at angrily at a boy who interrupted his conversation with a beautiful girl student, `I talk, she talk, why you middle talk?'
Excellenter English and Apples
When instructing a student to cut an apple in Biology class, a Brahmin biology teacher in Benaras said, `Cut the apple in two halves, take the bigger half for yourself, and give the other to your clas-mate'
Aditya Mishra was a Sanskrit teacher of Nehru college in Kanpur. He could not tolerate any loitering or gossipping whether in his class or outside. When he would see boys standing about in the halls, he would shout, `Why are you rotating in the corridor?' Kyo gumreho?
Keshav Chaturvedi was a Sanskrit teacher in Benaras Hindu University. He was famous for giving punishments for minor infringements of rules. During assembly time, he would shout to his students, `All of you students, stand in a straight circle!'
Another punishment he gave was for students to run around the grass field four times. Whenever meting out this punishment, he would shout, `You, rotate the ground four times!'
At other times, he would make the errant pupil stand under a tree. Then he always would shout, `You, go and under-stand the tree!'
When he caught a group of three gossipping students, he shouted, `You, three of you, stand together separately~'
Once, he sent three students out of his class, shouting `Both of you three, meet me behind the class!'
When he caught a cold, some students had opened the classroom windows, whereupon he said, `Close the doors of the windows please. I have winter in my nose today'
When asked about his family, he replied, `I have two daughters, both of them are girls.'
'I don't mind dying,' said Ajay Pandey. 'It's just that you feel so stiff the day after!'
'What a filthy place,' said Sharma. 'It's alive with dead rats.' 'Not only that,' added Shukla. 'There's holes a foot high!'
Sharma to students hanging around the corridors during exams: " Do not revolve in the corridors in front of the examinations "
Mr.S.K.Sharma was a very agressive Indian Army officer in Mathura. The remarkable thing about his English was that it was always a direct translation of its Hindi counterpart. Here are some gems from his life.
"Hit the brother in law! *Maro saale ko*!" he would shout when beating a subordinate.
"Strengthen your nose! *Naak mein dum karo*!"
After a famous battle-game, he lamented, "My honour has been mixed in mud *Izzat ko mitti me mila gaya*."
When he was very angry at a lazy soldier, he said, " Cuckoo, Blaady!" (Kick you, bloody...)
Once, when abusing an officer, he said, "Who have you blackened your face with? *Kiske saath moonh kaala kiya?*"
Ajeet Trivedi's English was likewise famous.
"Do not smoke and spoil the botany of your body"
" Why are you naat filupping the blanks? "
" Don't talk like that in front of my back "
" Dont stand in front of my back"
"Mistake became wrong!"
" Both of u three, don't under-stand the tree "!!
"Both of you kneel down together separately"
"Why aren't you kneel downing?"
Mishra the Cook
Santosh Mishra was a cook at DAV Mathura college. Once he was heard saying this in a kitchen: "No, No I don't need chair; I can stand eating"
"It's so hot! Please on the fan no," he would say to the other assistants when cooking.
"Pliss, close the fan!" he would say when he wanted the fan to be turned off
A Pandu was travelling on the train with two tickets, so when the ticket collector asked him for a ticket, he gave both to the collector. The ticket collector asked him the reason for buying two tickets, whereupon the Pandu answered, `What will happen in case I lose one of them?' The ticket collector then asked, `What if you lose both of them?' so the Pandu said, `Then why do I have a monthly pass?'
A Panditji applied for a clerical position in a government office in the Braj-bhumi region of Uttar Pradesh. Velu from Tamil Nadu also applied for the same job and both applicants were asked to take a test. Upon completion of the test, both men had scored nine out of ten. The manager went to the Panditji and said, `Thank you for your interest, Panditji, but we have decided to give the job to Velu.' Panditji: `How can you do that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Braj-bhumi, I should get the job!' Manager: `We have made the decision based on the one question which you both got wrong' Panditji: `But how can one wrong answer be worse than the other?' Manager: `Simple, for the question that you both got wrong, Velu put down " I don't know " as the answer, while you wrote " Neither do I "!'
Eyesight and Literacy
Panditji's eyesight had become weak, and so he went to see the optician. There, he failed to read letters on the eye-chart. The optician then said, `Yes, Panditji, you cannot see clearly. Anyway, don't worry. After wearing these glasses, you will be able to read everything very clearly.' Panditji then asked, `Will I be able to read everything?' `Yes, you will,' said the optician. Panditji became very happy and exclaimed, `That is very good, because I have been illiterate all these years !'
Three Men on an Island
Once, three men were stranded on an island due to a shipwreck - a Ghati, a Tamil Dalit and a Brahmin. After living on the island for more than a year, one of them finds a bottle. They open it, and out comes a genie. The genie then says, `I am grateful for you to have released me from my captivity of more than a thousand years. Now I grant each of you one and only one wish.' The Ghati then says, `I want to go back to Mumbai, and live as a Bollywood film actor in a posh house! and the Ghati instantly finds himself in Mumbai, living in a posh house as a film actor. The Tamil Dalit says, `I wish to return to Madras, and live amongst my own people again !' and he instantly finds him in Madras. The Brahmin then says, `I am a bit lonely now, so I wish that my other two friends come back.
No Brahmin Jokes
A man walks into a restaurant and says, `People, do you want to listen to the latest Pandu joke ?' The bartender says, `Before you tell the joke, maybe I should tell you that I am a Brahmin, my friend over there is a Brahmin, that couple over there are Brahmin, that policeman sitting there is a Brahmin, that Shiv Sainik over there is a Brahmin, and the two dogs sitting outside are also Brahmin. Do you still want to tell the joke?' `No, rather than explain it ten times, I think I'll just forget about it!' replies the man.
A Brahmin walks into a restaurant and asks, `I want to eat something, which I have never had before!' Whereupon the waiter replies, `Why don't you try brain?'
Learned Brahmin Child
Dubey's son returns home to his father, very proud and says, `Papa, today we had to count at school, and all other students could only count to five but I could count to ten.' `Yes, my son. That is because you are a Brahmin,' says the father. The next day Dubey's son returns again. `Papa, today we had to recite the alphabet, all other kids could reach only up to F but I could reach K.' `Yes, my son. That is because you are a Brahmin,' replies the father. The next day the son returns and says, `Today we had sports class. I could run much faster than all the other kids in my class. Is that because i am a Brahmin?' Whereupon the father replies, `No, my son. That is because you are already 25 years old.'
Trivedi stood on the street, looked up to a window in the second floor and shouted, "Varsha, Varsha!" The window opened and Varsha replied, "Trivedi, it is you!" "Varsha, is your husband at home?" "No," replied Varsha. Said Trivedi, "Then open the windows! I will come up and we will make love!" "Are you crazy?" said Varsha. "I'm no whore!" Trivedi: "Who said anything about payment?"
At the Meat-Shop
A Pandu went to the butcher, pointed at a piece of beef and said, `I want that piece of fish there!'
`But that is beef!' replied the butcher.
Scoffed the Pandu, `I don't care what the fish is called, just give it to me!'
Sawing the Branch on Which One is Sitting
A Brahmin is sitting on a tree branch and sawing it. A passerby warns him
"Pandoo, you're gonna fall down!"
"Not possible, how can the sons of Brahma get hurt ? Besides, Pandit Kalidasa did this same thing and did not get hurt." says he. After two minutes he falls. Then he runs after the passer-by and shouts,
"You must be a wizard. Please take me as your disciple !"
Sun vs. Moon
A Brahmin and a Rajput have a theological debate. The Rajput extolls his Saka (Scythian) heritage and debates for some length on the supremacy of the Sun and hence the need for Sun-worship. The Vaidik Brahmin listens to his words, and finally replies,
"The Sun is not as powerful as you think, indeed it is of even less power than the Moon," said the Brahmin. Astonished, the Rajput askied,
"How can that be ?", to which the Brahmin replied,
"The Moon shines at night, when it is needed. The Sun shines only during the day, when there is no need of it at all!"
A Dalit goes to the dentist and has a cavity filled. After the work, the Dalit asks how much he owes, and the dentist says, "No, no...I would never charge a poor Chandalla." The Dalit thanks him and leaves.
The next day, when the dentist gets into the office, he finds a basket full of fruits waiting for him.
Then a Muslim mullah visits the dentist and has some work done. Afterwards, he asks the dentist what he owes him, and he says, "Oh, no, of course I wouldn't charge a faithful follower of Allah!" He thanks him and leaves.
The next day, when the dentist arrives in his office, he finds a nice plate of well-cooked biriani [a Muslim delicacy] waiting for him.
A Brahmin visits the dentist for a checkup and a filling. When all is done, he asks the dentist what he owes him, and the dentist says, "Oh, no, I would never charge a Brahmin!" The Brahmin thanks the dentist and leaves.
The next day, when the dentist gets to his office, he finds.....four other Brahmins waiting for him!
Isai in a Temple
A Christian is egged on by his friends to enter a Brahmanic temple which normally forbids non-Hindus from entry. After some convincing, he agrees. Once inside, he is pestered by a Brahmin for some `donations.'
"Leave me alone ! I am an Isai [Christian] !" shouts the Christian.
The Brahmin, unwilling to let go of some fast money, then replies, "What, to save ten rupees you convert your faith ?"
A Brahmin walks into a train and sits down next to a Dalit and punches him. The Dalit said, "Why did you do that ?" to which the Brahmin replied, `You killed my great-great-great grandfather during the Battle of Lanka'. The Dalit says, `I am Dalit, not Tamil ! to which the Brahmin replies `Chandalli, Tamili, what's the difference' Then the Dalit looks at the Brahmin and punches him in the face. The Brahmin asks, "By Rama, why did you do that ?" to which the Dalit replies, "Before getting onto the train, I stepped into a pile of dog-shit." The Brahmin says, "That was dropped by a dog, not me !" The Dalit replies, "Kutta [dog], brahmana, what's the difference ?"
An elderly Brahmin takes the sleeper train to visit his son in Maharashtra. However when it comes to bedtime, he realises he has left his washbag at home. He explains his predicament to a young Rajput in the compartment, who offers to lend him his soap, face flannel and razor. But he says he'd rather not lend the Brahmin his toothbrush. The next morning, when the Brahmin meets his son in Maharashtra, he says, "You will not believe, such a biased anti-Brahmin I met on the train..."
Brahmin Sports Car
Man says: Did you hear about the New Brahmin sports car?
Woman says: no.
Man: It stops on a coin and picks it up too !!
A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird. Radioing Earth they yell: "We have got a problem, there's a bunch of shaven-headed green Martians wearing saffron dhotis, strings and strange face-markings out there." "Go out and make contact, find more about them", was the reply. So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: "Do you all dress like that?" "Oh, not at all," reply the Martians, "Only the Madhva ones!"
Did you hear about the Brahmin who wished to be cremated at sea ?
Cow without Horns
A Brahmin goes to the countryside. Astonished to see a cow with no horns, he asks the Yadav, ` Why does this cow have no horns ?' The Yadav replies, ` Some cows don't have horns because they never get them, others lost them in fights, and others do not get them because of some disease. This cow does not have horns because its a horse.'
Elephants at Bay
A Brahmin and a Rajput share the same compartment in a train. Early in the morning the Brahmin chants a loud mantra, which angers a Rajput who is trying to continue sleeping. He asks the Brahmin,
"Hey, Pandoo [Pandit], why do you keep shouting ?"
"It keeps elephants away," replies the Brahmin.
"But there are no elephants here for thosands of miles. Besides, no elephant could ever get into this train," says the Rajput.
"See how effective it is."
A Brahmin found a mirror. Looking into it, he said, "He Ram, My Guruji !" and took it home. His suspicious wife saw it. Looking into it, she said, "So that is the old hag he is after."
A group of notorious robbers plan to extort some money from a Brahmin by threatening to kidnap his wife. They send a note to him which reads : "Pandoo, Pay us Rs. 20,000 or your wife will be kidnapped." The robbers get the note returned with the Brahmins' response: "I won't pay you Rs. 20,000 but I am interested in your second proposal."
Two Brahmins walking on the road meet a Christian nun who had a plaster around her hand. They ask her, "What happened ?" The nun replies, "I broke my hand in the bathtub." The Brahmins walk on. Then one Brahmin asks the other, "Guruji, what is a bathtub ?" The second Brahmin replied, "By Rama, how should I know ? I am not a Christian !"
[Note: `Astik' (Orthodox) Brahminism discourages the taking of baths, cf. Manu-Smrti]
Nice Brahmin Boys
Brahmin: How did that naughty boy of yours get hurt ?
Rajput: Your good boy hit him on the head with a brick.
Once Crore Rupees
A Brahmin, a Muslim and a Rajput sleep and wake up to find that each has one crore [10 million] Rupees. The Rajput buys a house, the Muslim purchases some good food but the Brahmin sleeps again to find if he gets another crore !
"Why did you get such a shirt for me ? It is too big !" complained the Brahmin to his wife. She replied, " Because the price is the same as for your size, and besides, I wasnt' going to let the salesman know that I had married such a shrimp !"
A Brahmin donates blood to a Bania. The Bania pays Rs. 10 for first bottle of blood, Rs. 30 for the next one, and none for the fourth ! Why ? Because by that time he had so much Brahmin blood that he did not pay anything !
Parrots in Hotels
A Brahmin wrote to a hotel, "Can I stay with my parrot ?" The hotel owner wrote back: " I have never had to call the police to get an unruly parrot out, I have never found towels inside a parrot's suitcases, I have never found Puja ashes in a heap on the floor after a parrot has stayed in my hotel. I have never had a parrot driving away all my guests by creating eye-irritating smoke, and I have never had a parrot waking up all the guests early in the morning by loudly chanting Vedic mantras.
Yes, your parrot is welcome.
PS. If he can vouch for you, I shall also permit you to stay."
The Brahmini asks her lover, "Mishra dear, if we get engaged, will you give me a ring?". "Sure", replies Mishra. "What's your phone number."
This Pandu is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower. Pandu says "Yes".
The other man says "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man takes the thousand and disappears.
Having waited for several hours the Pandu figures he was taken. On the next day the Pandu is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Panditji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool.This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder!"
Q: `What do you call a Brahmin who talks a lot, often without sense?'
A: `Mr. Chatterjee'
Q: `Name a Brahmin cave-man ?'
A: `Suraj Guha'
Q: `Name a Brahmin gangster ?'
A: `Robin Ganguli'
Q: `What do you call an outlawed Brahmin ?'
A: `Banduk Bannerjee'
Marathis and Burping Brahmins
Q: `What does a Ghati call a burping Brahmin ?'
Brahmins and Semen
Q: `What is common between Pandus and sperms'
A: `Only one in a million works'
Panditji's Coin Stack
Q: `What did the Pandu stack up one-cent coins the day before exams ?'
A: `He wanted to get cent-per-cent'
Q: `What do you call a Maharashtra Brahmin?'
A: `Ghatpande Guruji'
Q: `What do you call a Brahmin millionaire?'
Panditji in Rome
Q: `Why did Panditji go to Rome?'
A: `To hear Pope Music'
Pandus and Light-Bulbs
Q: `How many Brahmins does it take to change a light-bulb ?'
A: `An Infinite number. One to change the bulb, 20 to form the light bulb workers' union (Secularist-Marxist), 30 to form the counter union (Hindutvadin), 1 to be the light bulb minister, 1 to head the Light Bulb corporation, 30 to be nominated to the light bulb corporation, 100 to go to USA and Europe to import product surveys on purchasing light-bulbs, three to form the judicial Enquiry commission on light bulb scandals... and so on ...
Changing Tube Lights
Q: `How many Brahmins does it take to change a tube light?'
A: `Has not yet been determined. They are still searching for a Vedic reference to tube light.'
Invention of the Wire
Q: `How was the wire invented?'
A: `Two Brahmins found the same coin'
Q: `Why are a Brahmin's nostrils big?'
A: `Because the air is free'
Q: `How long does a Brahmini remain a virgin?'
A: `As long as she runs faster than her father and brother!'
Q: `Why do Brahmins have barbed wire around their bath-tubs?'
A: `So that they don't drift to sea'
Q: `Why do Brahmins start climbing through the window when December arrives?'
A: `Because New Year is on the door-step!'
Q: `Why do many Brahmins refuse to buy fridges ?'
A: `Because they refuse to believe that the light goes off when they shut the door'
Q: `Why do Brahmins have such long hands?'
A: `So that they can, while kissing the cow, also touch the udders!'
Q: `What does a Brahmin do during low tide?'
A: `He sells beach land to the Gujjus!'
Q: `What is the place called where two Brahmins sat down together in Calcutta ?'
Foundation of Kannauj
Q: `How was Kannauj founded?'
A: `When Ashoka stopped by to have his horses grazed, he left behind those who were infected with foot and venereal diseases.'
Q: `Why did the Pandu leave the door open?'
A: So that his flowers get fresh air.
Q: `How does one know if a Brahmin burgled the house?'
A: `The garbage cans are all eaten empty, and the dog is pregnant!'
Bucket of Hot Water
Q: `What do Brahmins do when they have a bucket of hot water left over?'
A: `They freeze it, because hot water can always be used later.'
Q: `How to confuse a Pandu?'
A: `Put him in a round room and tell him to search for the corner.'
Really Confused Pandu
Q: `How to eally confuse a Pandu (Brahmin)?'
A: `Take a piece of paper and write on both sides, `Turn Over'.'
Returned from Airport
Q: `Why did the Brahmin return home from the airport before going in?'
A: `Because he saw a sign saying "Airport Left", so he turned around and went home!'
Ten Pandus Ear to Ear
Q: `What do you call 10 Pandus standing ear to ear?'
A: `A wind tunnel'
Flat Back of Skull
Q: `Why are the backsides of Pandu skulls so flat?'
A: `Because the toilet-cover keeps on falling on the back of their heads when they drink water.'
Q: `Why do Brahmins take long ladders when shopping?'
A: `Because the prices are so high.'
Q: `How does one know one has reached Kannauj ?'
A: `The cows become more beautiful than the girls.'
Nose-Cleaning: Tamil Proverb
Q: `How does a Pandu clean his nose?'
A: `By putting his hand around his the back of his head and then grabbing it from the other side.'
Cobras and Pandus: Dalit Proverb
Q: `When you meet a Cobra and a Brahmin, who do you hit first?'
A; `The Pandu, because Pandus are more poisonous than Cobras!'
Q: `What is the meaning of the police stripes of a Brahmin police officer?'
A; `One stripe: He can read. Two stripes, he can read and write. Three stripes: He knows somebody who can read and write.'
Using the Fields
Q: `Why do Pandus prefer to use the fields instead of actual toilets?'
A: `So that nobody can peep at them through the key-hole!'
Sinking Pandu Submarine
Q: `How to sink a submarine manned by Brahmins?'
A: `Dive down, and knock on the door. Somebody will open up.'
Brahmins on TV Towers
Q: `Why are Brahmins not allowed on the Madras TV tower?'
A; `Because they always tried to feed the helicopters.'
Brahmin Measuring Tape
Q: `Why do Pandus take a measuring-tape into the bed?'
A: `So that they can measure how deep was their sleep.'
Stones and Matchboxes
Q: `Why do Pandus take a stone and a matchbox to bed.'
A: `With the stone, they smash the lightbulb to turn off the light and they then use the match-stick to check if the light has really gone off.'
Origin of Tides
Q: `What is the origin of low tide and high tide?'
A: `When a group of Pandus came, the water was so scared it pulled itself back. Now it comes twice per day, to see if they are still there.'
Happy Birthday Cakes
Q: `Why was the Brahmin baker reprimanded by his boss for wanting to write `Happy Birthday' on a birtday cake?'
A: `Because he tried to get the cake into a typing machine.'
Q: `What do Brahmins do when they see a snake?'
A: `They stand behind it.'
Q: `How do Brahmins kill flies?'
A: `They carry the flies to the roof and then pull the ladder away.'
Q: `Why do Brahmins stand at the window when there is thunder and lightning?'
A: `They think they are being photographed.'
Q: "How did the Narmada Valley form ?"
A: "Someone dropped a coin and a Brahman went digging for it."
Best Ten Years
Q: `What are the best ten years of an Brahmin's life?'
A: `Third grade.'
Q: `How do you get a Pandu's eyes to sparkle?'
A: Shine a flashlight in his ears.
Q: `How do make a Pandu laugh on Saturday?'
A: `Tell him a joke on Wednesday.'
Q: `How do you measure a Brahmin's intelligence?'
A: `Stick a tyre pressure gauge in his ear.'
Q: `What do you call a New Zealand Brahmin?
A: A ZE-BRA!
Q: Why did the Brahmin go around in a revolving door for six hours?
A; Because he couldn't remember whether he was going in or coming out!
Q: `Why are Brahmins like Coke bottles?'
A: `They are both empty from the neck up.'
Q:"How do they take the census in Kannauj ?"
A:"They roll a rupee coin down the street."
How do you get 1000 Brahmins in a phonebooth ?
Throw in a ruppee coin.
How do you get them out again?
Tell them it's a Mughal's phonebooth.
Q: "Why is Goa beach the most popular beach for Brahmins ?"
A: "Because it was built over a gold mine!!!"
Overcoming Cold Weather
Q: "What do Brahmins do when they are cold ?"
A: "They sit around a candle!!"
Q: "What do they do when they are really cold ??"
A: "They light it!!"
Q: "If Tarzan and Jane were Brahmin what would cheeta be ? "
A: " A fur coat "
Q: "Why did the Pandu climb the fence?"
A: "To see what was on the other side!"
Shut-down of Mathura Library
Q: "Did you hear about the shutdown of Mathura Library ?'
A: "Somebody stole the book."
Panda and Pande walk along an empty river-bed. Panda: `Where do all the pebbles in this river-bed come from?'
Pande: `The river brought them.'
Panda: `Aha! And where is the river now?'
Pande: `Don't you know that, you stupid Pandu? Obviously, the river has gone to get more pebbles!'
Panda, fearful and tired of Pande's filching of his items, buys a lock. Panda then tells Pande: `Ha, Pandu thief! Now I have bought a number combination lock for my house. All numbers are fives, but I won't tell you in which order!'
Pandaa's cow was very sick. So he went and asked Pandeey, `What Ayurvedic medicine did you give your cow when she was so sick that time?' `Ammoniac mixed with liquor,' replied Pandeey. Pandaa then used Pandeey's Ayurvedic remedy on his cow, but the cow died after two days. Pandaa then went to complain to Pandeey, `What kind of medicine you told me about? My cow died.' Pandeey then replied, `So did mine.'
Panda and Pande were employed as peons for two officers. Their officers - one tax official and one forest officer - once met, and each claimed that his attendant was the stupidest man in the world. Intrigued by the other's claim, they decided to test them out. The IT-collector told Panda, "Panda! Here are Rs. 10. Go buy me a car." The forest officer meanwhile told Pande, "Pande! Go to my office and see if I am present there." Unknown to the two officers, the two attendants met outside the office. Panda said, "He, Pande! You will not believe, my officer is such an idiot *Mleccha*! He does not know that today is Sunday and that the market is closed, so that I cannot buy any car." Pande chipped in, "My *pagal* boss wants me to see if he is in the office. Why can't he call his office to see if he is present? I have never seen such a lazy officer!"
Panda and Pande fell on hard days. They decided to rob the Baniya Prakash Agarwal's house. "After all, Manu-smrti says that the world belongs to the Brahmins by right. So we can take what we want, and it is not a crime as per Hindu law," said Panda. So they both entered the Baniya's house at night and started robbing. Inside the house, Panda accidentally hit a bottle which fell over. "Who is there?" asked Prakash Agarwal from downstairs. Panda had the common sense to say, "Miao" and the commotion downstairs subsided. Panda then made his escape with various goods. Pande then happened to hit the same bottle again. "Who is there?" asked Prakash Agarwal once again. "Nobody, just another cat. Aur ek billi." replied Pande.
Panda invited Pandey over for dinner one day. Panda's house was 25 stories above Pandey's. At night, Pandey climbed 25 stories only to find Panda's door locked and a sign hanging over it. "How did you like your dinner?" was written on the sign. Not to be outdone, Pandey wrote, "Sorry, I could not come."
Once, Panda's wife was angry with the servant who had given a very cold egg to her. "Did you boil this in ice water?" she asked.
Once, Pandey's wife had a tooth-ache. "If it was my tooth, I would have pulled it out," Pandey said. "If it was your tooth, I would also have it pulled out!" she replied.
Pandey and his wife visited the marriage counseller. "My wife and I never agree. We have been married for six years!" cried Panda. "No, seven!" cried his wife.
Panda prayed to god for winning in a lottery. "Hey, Bhagwan Vishnu, please make sure that I win a lottery. I am such a devout Brahmin, and hence I surely deserve this prize more than anybody else." Then a voice came down from the heavens, "O Panda! Give me a chance! At least buy a ticket!"
Once Panda became very suicidal because he lost a lot of money while gambling.
"I will jump off a ten-story building and commit suicide!" he told Pandey in exasperation.
"But the tallest building in Mathura is five stories," Pandey replied.
"So what? I will jump off it twice!" snapped Panda.
Money for USA
Pande had gone to USA, and then phoned Panda when he needed some money. "Hi Panda, my good friend, can you lend me five hundred rupees?" asked Pande over the phone.
"Hello? I can't hear you!" replied Panda.
"Panda, it is me, Pande! Can you lend me five hundred rupees?" asked Pande.
"Hello? I can't hear you!" replied Panda. The operator could hear Pande clearly. "There is no problem with the line, Mr. Panda. It is your friend Pande. He wants to borrow Rs. 500 from you," said the operator.
"If you can hear him so clearly, then why don't you lend that Pandu five hundred rupees?" snapped Panda.
Suitor for Pande's Daughter
Once a suitor for Pande's daughter was trying to convince him to let him marry her.
"I don't want her to spend her life with a gadhaa," said Pande. "Neither do I. That is why I want to marry her," replied the suitor.
Pande at the barber
Once Pande went to the barber, but the barber said he would charge him twice the normal rate of ten rupees. "Why ?" asked Pande. "Ten rupees to search for and find the hair that is to be cut," came the reply.
99 Walled Prison
Once, Panda and Pandey were lodged in a high-security prison for their links with Ranvir Sena. 99 walls separated the prisoners from the outside world. One night, Panda convinces Pandey to attempt an escape. They start climbing walls. After fifty walls, Pandey is very tired.
"I am very tired," he says.
"Come on, we are half-way there!" Panda says.
"Okay," says Pandey and they continue climbing.
After 90 walls, Pandey says,
"I am really very tired."
"Come, only ten walls left!" cries Panda, and so they continue climbing.
After 95 walls, Pandey says, "I am too tired now, I can't continue."
"Come, only five walls left!" shouts Panda, and they continue to climb.
After climbing the 99th wall, Pandey says, "I cannot continue now, I am exhausted." Panda replied,
"Yes, so am I. Come, let us go back."
He Lived to 205
Panda and Pandey are walking down the road to their hamlet. After a long walk, they take a rest against a stone, where Panda reads the inscription.
"Is it not true, Pandey, this person here lived till he was 205!"
"Where was he from?" asks Pandey.
"Not from here," says Panda, reading the stone, "he was K.M., from Varanasi".
Pandaa and Pandey were approaching a dhaba which had been destroyed by a JKLF bomb only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins and across the pavement before them. Pandaa stooped, picked it up and held it up for Pandey to see.
"Look here, Pandey, isn't this Dubey?"
"No, Pandaa, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazing resemblance, but Dubey was taller than that."
Panda and Pandey were flying over the Thar Desert when Panda told Pandey, 'He Rama, look at all that sand. I wonder what they're going to build when the cement arrives?'
'I'd like some nails,' Panda requested the hardware man. 'How long would you like them?' asked the man. 'Forever, if that's all right with you,' said Panda.
'How far is it to the next ashram?' asked the Marathi pilgrim. 'It's about seven miles,' guessed Pandey. 'But it's only five if you run!'
'What will you buy your wife for Diwali?' Panda asked his friend Pandey. `Of course, she decided it for me,' answered Pande. 'She said she wanted something with diamonds in it. So I bought her a pack of cards!'
Whiskey and a Car Accident
Pande and Panda get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. Pandey shouts, "He Ram! What a wreck! Stupid Pandu, can't you see?" Panda asks him, "Are you all right, Pandey? It was not all my fault!" Then Pandey responds, "I am a little shaken." Panda pulls a flask of whiskey from his bag and says, "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves." Pandey takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?" "Well," Panda says, "I don't know what you will say, but I will tell them I was not the one drinking alcohol."
Visit to Doctor
One day Mrs. Pandey feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Pandey. I cannot tell what your illness is. You have to bring a urine specimen to me in the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong."
Mrs. Pandey went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?"
Mr. Pandey replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. Panda, she'll know what to do."
Mrs. Pandey then went down the road to Mrs. Panda's house and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.
A shocked Mr. Pandey gasped, "Sala! What happened to you?"
"I went to see Mrs. Panda and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So, I said 'Go drink your own piss!' And the fight was on."
Panda and Pande worked as clerks in a Government office. `The boss phoned,' said Panda. 'He says they're sending down a thousand forms this afternoon.'
'He Bhagvan,' cried Pande, 'how many forms are in a thousand?'
'I don't know,' said Panda, 'but there must be millions!'
Defence of Delhi
Panda and Pandey were walking along the New Delhi road. "This Delhi, it is a bad place to be. Pakistani and Chinese rockets can hit at any time and no defence too!" reasoned Panda.
'It was bad, until now,' said Pandey. 'Now of course they've found the answer. That's it up in the sky - big balloons!' Pandey pointed to the massive inflated objects hovering over the city on guide wires.
'You see,' he explained, 'the Pakistani and Chinese planes and rockets come over and bump into the balloons and are destroyed.'
'But surely,' argued Panda, 'when the planes hit them the balloons will burst.'
'Indeed not,' said Pandey. 'You see, the balloons must be full of concrete.'
Pandey had bought a new Ambassador car and was taking his friend Pandaa for a ride. As they sped along the road, Pandey said:
"He Pandaa! What is that thing sticking up in the front of the car?'
Pandaa, realising he meant the Ambassador logo in the middle of the bonnet, decided to have some fun.
'Ah that,' he said, 'that is a target!'
`Target?' said Pandey. `Target for what?'
'Well,' replied Pandaa. 'It helps to line up policemen who are crossing the road on pedestrian crossings!'
'Not true!' spluttered Pandey.
`It is,' said Pandaa. 'Just wait and I'll show you.'
Just then a policeman started to cross the road and Panda drove the car straight at him. At the very last second he flicked the wheel over and swerved round the constable.
'See what I mean? Almost his that *kanstable*!' he grinned. 'Good, eh?'
'No, not good,' said Pandey. 'If I had not opened the back door we would not have hit him at all!'
"This cow is not saying anything!" said Pandaa one day after studying his cows.
Replied Pandeey, "Put it in a revolving chair. Then we will know, what the *chakkar* (wheel) is. *Isse revolving chair pe bitha do, tho pataa hoga ye chakkar kya hai*."
They Look Just like Us
Panda and Pandey sat in the corner of the dhaba, intoxicated from their usual dose of bhang. Across the wall opposite was a huge mirror, stretching from floor to ceiling.
Glancing around the room Pandey suddenly spotted their reflection in the mirror.
'Panda, Panda,' he whispered. 'Don't look now but there's two guys over there just like us!'
'He Rama,' said Panda, spotting the reflection. 'They're wearing the same clothes and everything.'
'Sale! They even copied our dress!' said Pandey. 'I'm going to give them a thrashing.'
But as Pandey started to rise from his seat, Panda said, 'Sit down Pandey one of them is coming to us!'
Chota Pandey on His Father
A group of boys were boasting about the power of their fathers. Finally, Chota Pandey (Pandey Jr.) stood up.
"My father has 2000 people under him."
"Really, what is he?" asked one of the astonished boys.
"He is a gardener at the local *Kistian* cemetary," replied Chota Pandey.
Sending a Turkey
One day, Pandey in Madras received a parcel from his wife in Mathura. Opening it, he found it to be empty save for a letter. Astonished, he read her letter. She had written, "Dear Pandeyji, I was going to send you a turkey but it got better."
Request for Money
Once Pandey in Madras was in need of money. So he sent a letter to his friend Panda in Calcutta, asking if he could send some money. After one week, Pandey received just a single letter from Panda. The letter contained the usual greeting, and ended as follows: "I must close now. I would have enclosed some money, but I'd already sealed the envelope."
Pandey had joined the Indian Air Force and was on his first drop. Falling from the plane his parachute wouldn't open. Plummeting towards earth, Pandey saw another person coming up towards him from the Earth - it was Panda.
'Do you know anything about parachutes?' cried Pandey.
'No,' said Panda. 'Do you know anything about gas cookers?'
We could have walked
Pandey and Panda arrive at Andaman harbour in the Andaman Islands for their holiday. There, they noticed a diver climbing out of the water.
'Sala,' cursed Panda. 'All the money we paid for our tickets was wasted! We could have walked like that man there!'
Sending a Sweater
One day, Pandey in Calcutta received a packet from his wife in Mathura. Opening it, he found a sweater and an attached letter. 'I sent you a coat in the post. When the post office weighed it they said I'd have to pay extra for the buttons because they were so heavy. So I cut the buttons off. You'll find them in the top pocket.
Can I have an ice cream?
'Can I have an ice cream, Dad?' asked Shweta, Pandey's daughter.
'No!' said Pandey, 'It's too cold for ice cream.'
'Can I have one if I put my coat on?' persisted the child.
Panda and Pandey wanted to see the India vs. Pakistan cricket match. Walking along, Panda asked Pandey, "Why you wearing a patch over your eye?" "You'll see," said Pandey, approaching the ticket counter.
'How much is it?' asked Pandey at the ticket counter.
"Twenty rupees,' said the ticket seller.
'Well, I've only got one eye and so I'm only paying ten!' Pandey said, pointing to the eye-patch he was wearing. And, surprisingly, the man let him in.
'And I'm only paying ten pounds,' said Panda
'Stop there,' said the guard, 'you've got two eyes!'
'Yes,' said Panda, 'but I've only come to see India.'
Once Panda and Pandey got into a quarrel which became serious and led to their arrest. Produced before the judge, Panda said,
"This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation."
"So, Mr. Pandey, what do you have to say to defend yourself?" asked the judge.
Pandey replied, "He bit it himself, Your Honour."
I did remember
Pandey in Mathura received a letter from Panda in Calcutta asking him to bring back some silk and perfume. Pandey forgot all about it. Arriving in Calcutta, he saw Panda in the street and cried out, 'I could not bring back the things you wanted: your letter did not arrive...'
Tell your master
Pandey visited his friend Panda to borrow some money. Panda's servant said, `My master is out.' Pandey replied, "Tell your Pandu master that next time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone might steal it."
Sleeping and Mosquito Nets
Once, Panda visited his friend Pandey. He found Pandey sleeping on the floor, outside the mosquito net.
"Why are you sleeping outside the mosquito net?" asked Panda.
"Those *harami* mosquitos found a hole in my mosquito net. So I fooled them and slept outside instead, leaving all the mosquitoes inside!" replied Pandey.
What is a Beach?
Panda and Pande were in conversation on the beach.
Panda: Panditji, Isse 'beach' kyo kaheete hai ? What is this beach?
Pande: Tumhe nahe pata? (You don't know?)
Panda: Nahe pata. (No)
Pande: Woh to Aasmaan aur Zameen ke beech mein hai esliye eesai beach kahete hai. (It is between - beech - heaven and earth, that is why it is called beach)
Panda and Pande were boasting of their parents achievements to each other.
Panda: Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?
Pande: Yes, I have.
Panda: Well, my father dug it.
Pande: That's nothing, have you ever heard of Dead Sea?
Panda: Yes, I have.
Pande: Well, my father killed it.
What should I name my Children ?
Pande has twins and comes to Panda.
Pande : Panditji, *mere dono bachon ke liye koi naam bataiye.* Please tell some names for my two children?
Panda : *Ek ka naam rakho Peter.* Name one as Peter.
Pande : *Aur doosre ka?* What about the other?
Panda : Call him Repeater
Once Panda and Pande kidnap a rich man.
Panda: What should we do with this man?"
Pande: "*Seele*, put him into a microprocessor. He will die BIT by BIT!"
Every Third Child
Pande has triplets and comes to his friend Panda.
Panda : Have you thought about the names of my three children? *Mera teen bachche ka keya naam soche hein aap?*
Pande : Name them Peter, Repeater, and Fung Chung! *Inka Naam rakkho, Peter, Repeater aur Fung Chung!*
Panda: Why should I call the third one "Fung Chung", Panditji? *Teesra ka naam "Fung Chung" kyon Panditji?*
Pande: Stupid Pandu! Don't you know? Every third child born is Chinese! *Bekuf Pandu! Tumhe malum nehi? Is prithwi me paida hone waalaa har teesra bachcha Chinese hota hai.*
To the Toilet
Once Panda and Pande were riding their cows along a dusty road, travelling to a pilgrimage spot, Somnath in Gujarat.
"Can you wait for me?" asked Panda near a makeshift toilet. "I have to relieve myself in that toilet."
"I also have to do the same. Can you do it for me at the same time?" asked Pande.
"Fine," said Panda as he went to the toilet while Pande sat on his cow.
After a short while, Panda returned.
"Did you do it for me too?" asked Pande.
"O! I forgot. I will go back once again." After a short while Panda returned again.
"You stupid Pandu!" shouted Panda. "You did not have to do anything!"
Pandaa and Pandeey met hard times, and so became gangsters. Entering a house, they tied up the owner.
"Whaat should we do with him?" asked Pandeey.
"Paint his hands red!" said Pandaa.
"Stupid Pandu! Don't know that even? That way, when the *Pulees* will come, they will catch him 'red-handed'!"
Pandaa and Pandeey are studying their cows and bulls.
Pandaa: "Pandeey, test the stool of this bull."
Pandeey: "Why ?"
Pandaa: "So that we can find out what this `bullshit' thing is."
Panda and Pande see a rainbow. Panda: "For things like this the *Gormint* has money. But to let our cows study Sanskrit, for that there are no funds!"
Panda and Pande catch one of their enemies. "Pandey? What should we do with this guy?" "Put this *saala* with a super-conductor. He will get exhausted giving tickets-tickets all the time! *Saala bus mein thicket dete-dete thank jayega!*.
A Brahmin with nine kids is visited by the family planning specialist. Family Planning Officer (FPO): "You have too many children. You should use condoms." Panditji: "I did, but my wife still delivered two children after that." FPO: "Then you should go in for sterlization." Panditji: "I did, but my wife still delivered two more children after that." FPO: (exasperated) "Then you should stay away from your wife and not touch her at all!" Panditji: "I did, but she still delivered two more kids after that."
"Did you beat up your neighbour?' Yes, Your Honour. He called me Bengali rascal." "So what?" "Your Honour, if he had called you a Brahmin rascal, wouldn't you have beaten him up?"
The boss asked his Brahmin employee, "Why have you taken no leave this year?" Panditji: "Sir, I needed some rest."
Not Too Corrupt
The wives of two Pandu ministers were fighting. "Your husband was caught taking bribes." "Bakwaas! There is an inquiry against your husband too." "My husband's inquiry is being conducted by a DM. Yours by a retired government servant."
The finance ministry received an application for a bungalow with Outhouse. The FM replied, "Any bungalow without House is inconceivable".
Vajpayee receives a letter
Once, Atal Bihari Vajpayee received a letter addressed to the Stupidest man in India." He was distressed, and then Advani said he would take care of those persons who sent the letter. "It is not the sender I am worried about," Atal replied. "It is the audacity of the post office officials to send it to me."
Once Panditji was travelling on a train when somebody pulled the chain, bringing to train to a screeching halt at a non-descript village. "If he had to pull the chain, he could have done it on the platform," said the Panditji.
Panditji was beating his two sons on the street. A passer-by asked, "Panditji, why are you beating your two sons?" "Tomorrow their results are being declared and I am out of town!"
It is said that Pandit Shastri instructed Indira Nehru-Gandhi on government."If possible, don't act. If necessary, go slow. If pushed, move in circles. If cornered, appoint a committee."
A witty Brahmin use to tease his wife, for reasons rumoured to be related to a dowry case. She bore him four children. "Good-bye, mother of four!" he would shout to his wife when leaving for office. One day, the Brahmini replied, "Tata, father of two!" and the witty Panditji stopped his joke.
A panditji was cheerfully smoking ganja in a train. The lady opposite him sid, "If you were my husband, i would have put poison in your tea!" Panditji replied, "And if you were my wife, I would have drunk it."
Rajaji and the Englishman
It is said that once Rajaji Gopalachari, Brahmin separatist, was engaged in a debate with an Englishman. The Englishman said, "Look here, now. We have invested a lot of money in this country. We have built railroads, established universities, dug mines and built cities. Do you seriously want us to pack up baggage and luggage and leave India?" Rajaji said, "No, please leave bag and baggage behind."
Dalit at Cremation Ground
Once a Dalit, Saroj Murmu, was employed in a crematorium. His friend asked him, "Do you like your new job?" "Of course! What could be better than burning Pandus and getting paid for it!"
Once a panditji was in charge of distributing parachutes. "If it doesn't open, then come back and I will give you a new one."
It is said that Indira Gandhi made this speech at a gathering at Calcutta. "When I was PM, the economy stood at the abyss. I am proud to say that since the, we have made a brave step forward."
It is said that Pandit Nehru left two envelopes for his daughter, Indira Nehru-Gandhi, which he told her to open only in times of need after she became Prime Minister. She was to open the first letter in case of dire need, and only after that was she to open the second one. In the beginning, all went fine. Then she started facing problems. So she opened the first envelope, "Now, start blaming me for all the ills facing you." She promptly did this, and she found that this helped her a lot. After some time, she again started facing troubles. She then opened the second envelope. "Now, make two more envelopes like this for your son and successor Rajiv," he wrote.
Once Morarji Desai gave an election speech in which he faced difficulties in Gujarat. "Tu nipunsak chhey," (You are impotent) the audience shouted. Dejected, he went back to his wife. "How is it that a secret only known to you has become public knowledge?" he asked her.
Once Panditji was caught for driving much faster than the speed limit. "My brakes failed, so I wanted to get home before I had an accident," came the lame excuse.
An office worker asked Panditji, the head clerk, on what to do about an employee whose address was missing. "Just write to him and ask him his address.
Once, a Panditji in the police force bust a fake currency ring. "Sir, have discovered fake currency racket. Awaiting orders." The HQ replied, "Send notes." After two weeks, no reply came. An inquiry sent was responded to as follows: "Forwarded through Postal Money Order."
Two Brahmins of Mathura opposed the reservation process. They named their sons Manmohan and Dalmia. Why? Manmohan and Dalmia combined give Mandal.
Once Panditji took up a job in the income tax department. However, the new rules made it mandatory to use English. "Why are you outstanding? Please income!" he shouted to his visitors.
V.V.Shastri, directory of the Indian Institute of Technology, was notorious for his insistence on sticking to the rules. Once he found one of his faculty member's desk to be very untidy. "A cluttered table represents a cluttered mind," he wrote upon a note on the table which belonged to Mr. K. Ganesan. Two days later, Mr. V.V.Shastri found the following note on his own table from Mr. K. Ganesan: "If a cluttered table represents a cluttered mind, what does an empty table represent?"
Once, three men were travelling together across India; One Muslim, one Dravidian and one Brahmin Panditji. When they reached the Ganga, they had to hire a boat to cross it. All of a sudden, the boatsman fell into the water and the ship started to sink. The Muslim prayed his Allah, jumped in the water, and was miraculously saved by Allah. Seeing this, the Dravidian prayed to Shiva, jumped in the water and was miraculously saved by Lord Shiva. Seeing this, the Brahmin prayed to his Vishnu, but since there were twelve incarnations of Visnhu, and thirty-three crore of other gods, they all fought amongst one another and the Brahmin drowned.
Once, a dreaded Brahmin gangster of the Ranvir Sena, Satish Pandey was caught by a policeman as he was about to attack a Dalit household. "You are hereby arrested, and I shall book you under the Indian Penal Code, Section 324" (intent to cause injury) he said. "No, sir. Please reduce my penalty," said Satish Pandey. "Okay, I can reduce it to IPC, 307" (causing serious injury) said the policeman. "Sir, please reduce my penalty somewhat more," asked Satish. "Fine, then I shall charge you under IPC, 302" (murder) "May Bhagwan praise your life for ever," said Satish.
Once an illiterate Panditji from Braj-bhumi was travelling on a train to Delhi. Curious as to how the train moved, he asked a Sikh gentleman sitting across him.
"What is below the train," asked Panditji.
"The rails," replied the Sikh.
"And below that?"
"And below that?"
"And below that?"
"Pataal (The Underworld)"
"And below that?"
"Mere Baap! (My father)"
And below that?" continued the Panditji.
Mrs. Sharma came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a rupee a word and he remembered Mr. Sharma and he said that it was very bad that he passed away. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two rupees. But she wrote out the obituary, "Sharmaji died." The newsman said he thought Sharmaji deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Sharma thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Sharmaji died. Cow for sale"
Three Stoned Pandus
Three Brahmins, having drunk a bit too much bhang, come staggering down the street singing at the top of their lungs. They stopped in front of Trivedi's house still singing. After a few minutes the window flies open and Mrs. Trivedi yells out, "Why don't you Bhangis go somewhere else?" "Are you Trivedi Memsahib?" asks one of the drunks. "You know very well that I am," she replies. "Can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home?"
Fly in Bhang Cup
A Tamil, a Rajput and a Brahmin went to a dhaba for a cup of bhang one day. After being served, a fly landed in each of their cups. The Tamil pushed his cup away in disgust and proceeded to order another pint. The Rajput simply fished the offending fly out with his figner and proceeded to drink his cup as if nothing had happened. The Brahmin, eyes wide with anger, grabbed the fly and held it over his cup shouting, "Spit it out! Spit it out, haramjada!"
A new priest at his first ceremony was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Shuklaji for some advice. Pandit Shukla replied, "When I'm worried about getting nervous, I take a few sips of bhang just to calm my nerves."
So the next day he took the older priest's advice. Before the ceremony, he got nervous and took some bhang. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after the ceremony, he found the following note under his door:
- A few sips of bhang. Not the whole bowl.
- There are 4 Vedas, not 10.
- There are 10 avatars, not 4.
- There are 4 varnas (castes or colors), not 7
- The castes have little to do with the colors of the rainbow.
- It is das-avatar (ten incarnations), not dushera avatar
- The Pandavas wagered their wife, they did not "bet their woman".
- We do not refer to Ram chandra as "the late R.C."
- Buddha did not derive his name from `Buddhu' (stupid)
- We do not refer to Hanuman as "Hanu", nor do we call him "The Big Monkey"
- We do not refer to Rama's father as "Ram ka Baap".
- We call Krishna as Krishna (black) or Shyama (dark), not `Kalu' (blackie, nigger)
- Krishna defeated the Kauravas, he did not break their heads.
- We do not refer to the swastika as the Big X.
- Rama's wife is referred to as Sita, not, "The Woman with the Yoni"
- The recommended grace is "Om Shanti" for peace, not "Om Shakti
Panda and Pande decided to buy new glasses to drink bhang on Holi. At the shop, the glasses were on display, upturned to prevent accumulation of dust inside. Puzzled, the two Pandus studied the glasses.
"What strange bhang glasses are these?" Panda asked in disbelief. "The tops are closed! How are you supposed to fill them with bhang?"
"Even if you do open the glass," replied Pande, studying another glass. "How will the bhang stay in the glass if the bottom is open?"
Hanging from the Roof
Mrs. Pandey is astonished. There in the living-room, Mr. Pandey, and his friend Mr. Panda have tied themselves to the roof at the neck, and are happily bouncing around with smiling faces.
"What is this stupidity ?" she asked.
"We are the new Halogen Lamps!" both shouted in unison.
"Nonsense, now get down from there!" she scolded.
"Oh no, don't do that! We won't have any light any more!"
Escaping through the Key-hole
Panda and Pandey are in jail for their links with terrorist groups and Caste Sena's.
"Come on, let us escape by crawling through the Key-hole!" exclaims Pandey in a fit of genius.
"Fine. You start," said Panda.
So Pandey runs at the key-hole and bangs against the door, falling back onto the cell-room floor.
"What happened ?" asked Panda.
Replied Pandey: "It won't work - the key is in the hole!"
Panda and Pande are on pilgrimage to various holy places across India, and sleep under a mango tree.
"I am cold," said Pande.
"Why don't you cover yourself with that ladder over there then?" suggested Panda.
The next morning Panda asked Pande, "Were you cold last night?"
"Yes, one of the spokes was missing."
Playing Chess with Kasparov
It was during the days of Indo-Soviet friendship, and travel from one country to the other was regular. Pande, a Government bureacrat, was promoted for being a Brahmin close to Nehru, and was flying from Moscow to Delhi after completing some Government work in Moscow. To his surprise, sitting right beside him was Gary Kasporov, the world Chess Champion. Pande had always been in awe of Chess players, and immediately started a conversation with Gary.
Kasparov: "How would you like to play me for 500 Rs. ?"
Pande: "But you are too good - you will beat me and I will lose my money!".
Gary: "How about if I play left-handed"?
"Then I might have a chance," thought Pande and he accepted the offer. Kasparov checkmated our Panditji in 4 moves.
Pande was still scratching his head as he left the airplane. Upon reaching Mathura, Pande told Panda about the game he had with Kasparov.
Panda: "*Tu bhi pura buddhu hai, Pande*". (You're an absolute fool, Pande)
Pande: "*Kyon*" (Why)?
Panda: "*Are Chootiya! Gary Kasparov Left-handed hai!*". (You Stupid! Gary Kasparov IS a lefty, no wonder he beat you left handed!).
Mickey Mouse and the Ramayana
Once, Mickey Mouse came to Pandeey to hear a recitation of the Ramayana.
"Panditji Pandeey-Sahib, Mickey Mouse is here to hear you recite the Ramayana of Valmiki," said his assistant Pandaa.
"Go, hang him from the wall!" exclaimed Pandeey.
"Why?" asked Pandaa in surprise.
Replied Pandeey, "So that people will then call him `Vaall-Mickey', and he will then start reciting the Ramayana on his own."
Once, Panda and Pande were composing a letter, with Panda dictating to Pande. Soon, Panda was thoroughly disgusted with Panda's typing speed.
"Pande, I will cut off your hands now!" shouted Panda. "*Me tumhara dono hath ko kaatunga!*"
"Why?" asked Pande. "*Kyo*?"
"Since you don't know typing, at least you will learn shorthand. *Typing to nahi ata, tho shaarthand seekh lo!* said Panda.
Saving the Boat
Pandaa and Pandeey are in a boat. The boat suddenly springs a hole and water starts gushing inside.
"Now what to we do ?" asked Pandaa.
Replied Pandeey, "Make one more hole. *Ek aur hole bana do*. And write `IN' on one hole and `OUT' on the other hole, so that the water will come in through one hole and go out through the other!"
Letter to Pande
I'm writing this real slow cause I know you can't read very fast. We don't live where we did when you left. We read in the paper that most accidents happen within 10 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you our new address cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day mama put four shirts in, pulled the chain and we have not seen them since. Its only rained here twice this week. three days the first time and five days the second time. I know its cold where you are so we're sending you a coat. Ma said it would be too heavy to mail with them buttons on it, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
My sister had a baby this morning. I haven't heard whether it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if I'm an uncle or an aunt. Uncle Sharma fell in the big whiskey vat. When they tried to pull him out, he fought them off, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your Friend Panda, from Mathura.
P.S : I was planning to enclose the money that I owe you with this envelope, but I had already sealed this by then.
One day Panda was chiding Pande for leaving his keys inside the car. `If I take them out of the car I lose them,' Pande reasoned.
`Yes, Pande, but what if someone steals your car?' Panda countered.
`Oh, that is okay,' Pande chirped happily. `I keep a spare key in the glove box!
Pundit Atul Bajpai and his family were waiting at the airport for their flight to New York. Wandering around the port, Bajpai came across a Vedic Astrology Machine. Trying it out, he shoved in a one-rupee coin. "You are Atul Bajpai and you are travelling by flight no. IA-314 to New York with your wife and kids." the machine replied. "See? How advanced! A Vedic Astrology Machine which works!" Bajpai exclaimed in delight and immediately went to show it to his family. One of his sons stood on the machine, and - lo and behold - the machine replied, "You are Ranjan Bajpai and you are the son of Atul Bajpai. You are travelling by flight no. IA-314 to New York with your wife and kids."
At this, Atul stood on the machine to demonstrate it to his wife. "You are Atul Bajpai and you have missed your flight no. IA-314 to New York with your wife and kids."
Bajpai's Son Knows a Lot
Once, Ranjan's mother told him, "If you eat too many chocolates, your stomach will become very big!" Later, Ranjan saw a pregnant lady and said, "I know what you have done!"
Bajpai and Ranjan
Once, Atul was having an argument with his son Ranjan, who was arguing that children were smarter than their parents. "Who discovered the steam engine?" Ranjan asked. "Why, James Watt." replied Atul. "Why not his father?" asked Ranjan, smiling.
Once, Atul Bajpai went to the movie hall to watch a movie. However, after going towards the hall, he kept on returning to the sales counter to buy a ticket. After three times, the salesman asked Atul, "Why do you keep on coming back and buying a new ticket?" Then Atul replied, "There is some idiot at the entrance who keeps on tearing up my ticket!"
Bajpai was employed by the Taj Hotels of Mumbai. Once a complaint came to him that the towel was dirty. "Ludicrous. The same towel has been used by ten persons before you and none of them had any complaints!" was his reply.
Sending a Sweater
Once Bajpai had to go to the US for work relating to the Indian Union embassy. Just before December, he received a package from his wife. Opening it, he found she had knit him a sweater, but the buttons were strangely placed in the left pocket. He then discovered a note attached: "I am sending you a sweater to keep you warm during the winter. As the buttons would have added to the weight of the sweater and so increased the cost of transport, I have taken them out and put them in the left pocket so that we can save on postal charges."
House for Sale
Bajpai was selling his house, and put the matter in a real estate agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales advertisement for the house that made wonderful reading. After Bajpai read it, he turned to the agent and asked,
"Have I got all you say here?"
The agent said, "Certainly you have...Why do you ask?"
Replied Bajpai, "Cancel the sale...this is too good to sell."
Pandit Bajpai gets on a bus and asks the conductor, "How lang ees the trip from Calcutta to Benaras, Kandaktar-Sahb?"
"About 8 hours," says the conductor.
"Okay," says Bajpai. "Then how lang ees the trip between Benaras and Calcutta?"
The irate conductor says to Bajpai, "It's still about 8 hours, man. Why do you think there will be a difference?"
"Well," says Bajpai, "Only 18 days after Dussera comes Diwali, but it's a very long time after Diwali that Dussera comes!"
Stuck in the Store
`Just follow the instructions written on the doors,' the guard told Bajpai, fresh from Braj-bhumi to a Delhi shop. Awe-struck, Bajpai made his way around the building. But soon he returned, dejected, to the security man.
'I tried my best. The door marked 'Push' I pushed. The door marked 'Pull' I pulled. But when I got to the big door that said 'Lift' -I couldn't get it off the floor!'
Bajpai was carrying home a mango and the recipe for mango pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the mango from his hand. As the bird flew off, Bajpai called after it, "Foolish bird! You have the mango, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
A neighbour came to Pundit Bajpai, asking to borrow his cow. "It is out on loan," the Pundit replied. At that moment, the cow snorted loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it snort, over there." "Whom do you believe," asked Bajpai, "me or a cow?"
Bajpai walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve him. Bajpai said, "First things first. Did you see me walk into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" "Never." "Then how do you know it was me?"
Believe a Wise Man or a Cow
Pandit Bajpai had an insatiable craving for knowledge, but did not seem to know what knowledge was. As a result he asked a local wise man the stupidest questions, always based upon random assumptions One day the pandit a noticed that his cow was missing. He ran to the wise man
'Well, Pandit, what is it this time?'
'My cow is gone! Where can I find it?'
The wise man was quite fed up with the Pandit. 'Bajpai,' he said, 'the cow has run off, turned into a man and been appointed the magistrate in the next town.'
Thanking the wise man for his information, the Pandit trudged to the court. There sat the magistrate, and Bajpai shook his fist at him: 'Come home at once, you foolish animal!'
The magistrate was furious. 'Who are you and how dare you talk to me like that? I'll have you sent to the cells!'
'I'm the well-known Pandit Bajpai, and I have it on the best authority that you are my cow.'
'That's ridiculous. Nobody in his right senses would credit such a thing!'
Bajpai drew himself up to his full height. 'Say what you like he said, 'I prefer to believe the statement of a wise man rather than that of a cow.'
Throwing out Hats
Atul Bajpai once sat in a train opposite a Dalit. Angered at the low-caste man, Bajpai threw out the hat of a Dalit when the latter had gone to the toilet. The Dalit saw what Bajpai had done, but kept quiet. When Bajpai had to go to the toilet, he returned to find his coat had gone.
"Where is my coat?" shouted Pundit Bajpai.
"It has gone to get my hat," replied the Dalit man.
Pandit Bajpai and a party of his friends went to listen to an address by a Sadhu who was visiting his town to talk to a group of the Sadhu's own disciples. The visitor gave a long speech, and everyone listened respect-fully; though Bajpai's friends could make neither head nor tail of it. Walking home, one of his companions said, 'Pandit, what was he talking about?' 'Ah,' said Bajpai, 'if he wouldn't tell, neither shall I!'
One day Bajpai went on a journey, his steps taking him across a dangerous, bandit-infested valley. He carried, for protection, a gun in one hand and a sword in the other. Half-way across the valley, a robber stopped him, went through his pockets and ran off with his valuables. 'Ah,' said Pandit Bajpai, 'If I hadn't had my hands full, the fellow would never have got away with it.'
Sitting at Crossroads
"Why are you sitting at the crossroad, Pandit?" "One day something will happen here, and a crowd will gather. When that comes about, I may not be able to get close enough-so I'm putting in my time now."
Bajpai was riding along one day when his cow took fright at something in its path and started to bolt. As he sped past them at an unaccustomed pace some countrymen called out: 'Where are you going,O Bajpai, so fast?' 'Pandit shouted, 'don't ask me, ask my cow!"
Facing things alone
'You may have lost you cow, Pandith, but you don't have to grieve over it more than you did about the loss of your first wife.'
The Pandit's neighbor wanted to borrow his cloth-line. Bajpai said 'Sorry, I'm using it'. Drying flour!' The neighbor said, 'How on earth can you dry flour on a clothes-line?' Pandith replied, 'It is less difficult than you think when you do not want to lend it.'
'What is truth?' a disciple asked Bajpai. 'Something which I have never, at any time, spoken-nor shall I.'
Bajpai's friend was ill. The doctor was called. "What are the symptoms?"
"Stomach cramps!" said the patient.
The doctor looked under the bed where a whole bunch of apple cores were.
"The cramps will pass but cut down your consumption of green apples."
Bajpai was most impressed. When a similar case occurred he barged in,
"What are the symptoms?" asked Bajpai.
"Stomach cramps!" said the patient.
Bajpai looked under the bed.
"The cramps will pass," said Bajpai, "but cut down your consumption of old shoes . . ."
Bajpai, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering Bajpai and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked Bajpai, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What kind of dog do you have?"
"Sir," answered Bajpai, "It's a four week old puppy." "Nonsense!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"
"It appears that he choked on it, sir."
According to Needs
As Bajpai emerged from the mandir after prayers, a beggar sitting on the street solicited alms. The following conversation ensued: "Are you extravagant?"
"Yes", replied the beggar.
"Do you like sitting around drinking coffee and smoking?", asked Bajpai.
"Yes", replied the beggar.
"I suppose you like to go to the public baths everyday?", Bajpai asked.
"Yes", replied the beggar.
"...And maybe even amuse yourself by drinking with friends?", questioned Bajpai.
"Oh, yes, I like all those things", replied the beggar.
Bajpai then reached into his pocket and gave him a gold piece. A few yards farther on, another beggar who had overheard the conversation begged for alms also.
"Are you extravagant?", Bajpai queried.
"No", replied second beggar.
"Do you like sitting around drinking coffee and smoking?", asked Bajpai.
"No", replied second beggar.
"I suppose you like to go to the baths everyday?", Bajpai asked. "No", replied second beggar.
"How about amusing yourself by drinking with friends?" asked Bajpai.
"No, I want only to live meagerly and pray", replied second beggar. Upon hearing this, Bajpai reached into his pocket and gave the second beggar a small copper coin.
"But why", wailed the second beggar, "do you give me, an economical and pious man, a penny, when you give that extravagant fellow a gold piece?"
"Ah, my friend", replied Bajpai, "his needs are greater than yours."
Bajpai opened up a small concession stand. It had a sign that read: I'll answer any 2 questions. About anything. Only 5 dollars.
A man handed over the money and said, "This is rather steep, isn't it..?"
"Yes", said Bajpai. "Now..what is your second question..?"
One day Bajpai, tempted by the fruit in a neighbouring garden, used a ladder to climb onto the garden wall, then pulling the ladder up and over, climbed down into the garden. Somewhere nearby stood the amazed gardener, whom Bajpai had failed to notice.
The gardener hurrying over to Bajpai said in a threatening tone, "And what do you think you are doing here?"
"Why, I am selling this ladder", he said.
"Look here, Bajpai! Whom do you think you are fooling? Does this garden look like the proper place to sell a ladder in?", the gardener said.
"Now, now, my good man! Let's not forget our manners. You needn't buy the ladder if you don't want it; but it belongs to me and I can sell it where I please!"
So saying Bajpai went back over the wall and away with his ladder.
"Where are all the cakes?" asked Bajpai.
"I was wondering myself," said the customer. "You are the baker and it is your shop . . ."
Bajpai was explaining how he was the 'boss' in his household.
"I always get the last word," said Bajpai. "My wife tells me to do something and I say, 'Okay'."
Riding the Cow Backwards
One day Bajpai was riding his cow backwards (facing towards the back).
The people called out to him saying, "Hey, you are sitting on your cow backwards!"
"No", he replied, "It's not that I am sitting on the cow backwards, the cow's facing the wrong way."
Bajpai opened the door after hearing many, many knocks, to find his old creditor asking for his money back.
"Soon", said Bajpai, "I will pay your money back soon." "When?", asked the man.
"Listen...I sowed the thorn seeds in the street, along our wall," explained Bajpai. "And?", queried the creditor. "And the seed will flourish and we shall have plenty of thorns in the spring." "Yes, no doubt! Then?" asked the creditor.
"Many flocks of sheep pass along this street. In passing, they will leave some of their wool on the thorns. I will collect the wool and my wife will spin it into yarn. Then, the rest is easy! I will sell the yarn on the market and pay your money back.", said Bajpai. The man burst into laughter at this ridiculous plan. Then Bajpai said:
"Now that you have felt the cash in your hand you can afford to laugh, can't you, you rascal!"
Bajpai wife writes of her stay in a Western country:
"The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus" bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and l'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed.
That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "Go Jesus Christ, Go!!!" Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my two passengers what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. Several cars behind, a very nice Chinese man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well but it sounded like "mother trucker" or "mothers from there". Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas.
And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away.
Backwards on His Cow
One day Bajpai was riding his cow backwards (facing towards the back).
The people said, "Hey, you're sitting on your cow backwards!"
"No", he replied, "My friend here wanted to go one way and I wanted to go the other, so we are compromising."
Pundit Bajpai was once called to pontificate on the 'Nature of God' in the local temple. Present where the many sadhus and acharyas of the Hindu law. Out of courtesy and because Bajpai could not be counted on saying anything worthwhile, these illustrious guests explained and inspired the audience with their eloquence and wisdom.
Finally it was Bajpai's turn to explain 'the Nature of God'. "God . . .", started Bajpai impressively "is . . ." Bajpai removed and held up an ovoid mauve vegetable from the folds of his dhoti, " . . . a mango."
There was uproar at this blasphemy. When order was finally established, Bajpai was reluctantly asked to explain his words. "I conclude that everyone has spoken of what they do not know or have not seen. We can all see this mango. Is there anyone who can deny that God is manifest in all things?"
"Very well," said Bajpai, "God is a mango."
Bajpai was reading his email.
"I can not believe it. People are so lazy," thought Bajpai.
"Nobody has bothered to send any jokes about me . . ."
"Let us toss a coin and see who is right Bajpai?"
"Certainly," said Bajpai. "Head's I win, tails you lose."
One day Pundit Bajpai, loaded with a box of tools, decided to take a ferry across a deep stretch of water to a neighboring town. Halfway across, Bajpai started to busily drill a hole in the hull of the boat just beneath his feet.
The other passengers, seeing Bajpai drilling, yelled, "Hey! Stop that! Cut that out!"
Bajpai, somewhat upset at being interrupted, answered, "Mind your own business. What is it to you anyway? I'm drilling under my feet, not yours."
One day, Bajpai sat at end of the dhabha listening to the heroic war stories of the soldiers. They told of Stealth bomber missions, intelligent missile systems, of deep zone drops, of surviving suicide runs. Bajpai suddenly smiled and stood tall.
"I once saved over 200 men single handedly during a very important mission!" he said.
"Incredible! How on earth did you do that?"
Replied Bajpai, "I accidentally shot the cook."
A crowd of people had gathered (as crowds usually do) and someone asked Bajpai if he knew how to play the guitar.
"Yes, I do", answered Bajpai. And the people give Bajpai a guitar so he could prove it. Bajpai began to play. DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING.... Bajpai played the same note - the same string - over and over. DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING....
After a few minutes of this, the people stopped Bajpai. "Bajpai, this is not the correct way of playing the guitar, you're playing the same note over and over. Guitar players move their fingers up and down, playing different strings!", the crowd exclaimed.
"Well, I know why they go up and down and try different strings." "Why is that?", the crowd asked. "They're looking for *THIS* note that I have already found...", answered Bajpai.
Scared of Wife
Bajpai attended a meeting of all the men in his village to hear someone speak to the men. After the meeting had been called to order and the men were standing waiting quietly, the leader of the meeting said,
"All those men who are afraid of their wives sit down." All the men sat down except Bajpai, who remained standing.
"It seems", said the leader, "that you and I are the only real men in this village."
"Not at all," said Bajpai, "I'm still too sore from the beating my wife gave me last night to sit down."
Falling with Dignity
Bajpai was walking with his friends when he slipped and fell on his back. They began to laugh.
"Why are you laughing?" enquired Bajpai, "when I decide to take a rest, not even the ground or dignity stand in my way."
"Bajpai, why do you never give a simple answer to a simple question?"
"Simple," said Bajpai, "I do not wish to remain simple."
One day, when yet a young boy, Bajpai was sent home from school. His father questioned him:
"What did you do?"
"A bully grabbed me by the shoulders and pushed me into the lockers then lifted me off the ground by my shirt, so I kicked him."
"How long are you on suspension?"
"How long was the bully suspended for? more I suppose because he hurt you first?"
"No, he wasn't suspended at all."
"What? Why not?"
"They don't suspend principals," replied Bajpai with a smile.
Bajpai decided to practice Buddhism. After some time he rushed into his meditation class.
"I have had a profound realisation," he informed them. "What is it?" they asked without much expectation being used to such outbursts.
"Never Mind," said Bajpai.
Dead or Alive?
Bajpai was thinking aloud. "How do I know whether I am dead or alive?"
"Don't be such a fool," his wife said; "if you were dead your limbs would be cold. Now, go to the forest and cut some wood." It was midwinter. As Bajpai was in the forest cutting wood, he realized that his hands and feet were cold.
"I am undoubtedly dead," he thought; "so I must stop working, because corpses do not work."
And, because corpses do not walk about, he lay down on the grass. Soon, a pack of wolves appeared and started to attack Bajpai's cow, which was tethered to a tree.
"Yes, carry on, take advantage of a dead man," said Bajpai from his prone position; "but if I had been alive, I would not have allowed you to take liberties with my cow."
Yes. Bajpai was on his cow and he was riding out of town, and his student saw him and he said, "Where are you going, old man?" And Bajpai just kind of grinned at him and rode on by. So the student says, "Oh, I know he's up to something! I'll catch him this time!" He jumped on a cow and started going after him. Bajpai looked back, saw him, and thought, "Ah!" So he kicked his cow and the cow started trotting, and the student thought, "I knew it!" and he kicked his cow. So Bajpai takes a shortcut across the rice field, and he jumps off his cow and gets down behind a bush, and he's hiding down there, and the student jumps off and he runs over, and he's very upset. What is his teacher doing hiding down there? And he says, "Why are you running away?" And Bajpai says, "Well, why are you chasing me?"
Galloping on His Cow
The great and venerable Brahman sage, Pundit Bajpai, once raced through Mathura on his cow, galloping as fast as the poor beast could travel. Everybody got excited and people rushed into the streets to find out why the philosopher was in such a great hurry.
"What are you looking for, Panditji?" somebody shouted.
"I'm looking for my cow!" Bajpai answered.
Ace Brahmin Smuggler
Pundit Bajpai used to take his cow across the Nepali border every day, with the sacks loaded with straw. He was becoming visibly more prosperous, and the frontier guards searched him again and again, suspecting him of smuggling. They searched his person, sifted the straw, steeped it in water and even burned it from time to time. When he retired he went to live in another country, where one of the customs officers met him, years later. "You can tell me now, Bajpai, whatever was it that you were smuggling when we could never catch you?" "Cows", said Bajpai.
Happy when the Cow is Lost
One day, Bajpai lost his cow and was looking everywhere for it. While he was searching, he was constantly praising God. "Why are you praising God if you've lost your cow?", someone asked. "I thank God that I was not on it when it disappeared", he replied.
The high cost of learning
Bajpai decided that he could benefit by learning something new. He went to see a master musician. `How much do you charge to teach lute-playing?' `Three rupees for the first month; after that, one rupee a month.` `Excellent!' said Bajpai. `I shall begin with the second month.'
Bajpai saves the Moon
Bajpai was walking past a well, when he had the impulse to look into it. It was night, and as he peered into the deep water, he saw the Moons reflection there. `I must save the Moon!' the Pandit thought. `Otherwise she will never be eaten by Rahu and Ketu, and Rahu and Ketu will die!' He found a rope, threw it in and called down: `Hold tight; keep bright; succour is at hand!' The rope caught in a rock inside the well, and Bajpai heaved as hard as he could. Straining back, he suddenly felt the rope give as it came loose, and he was thrown on his back. As he lay there, panting, he saw the Moon riding in the sky above. `Glad to be of service,' said Bajpai. `See how I saved you?'
`I can see in the dark,' boasted Bajpai one day in the dhaba.
`If that is so, why do we sometimes see you carrying a flashlight through the streets?'
`Only to prevent other people from colliding with me.'
`How old are you, Bajpai?`
`But you said the same last time I asked you, two years ago!'
`Yes, I always stand by what I have said.'
Why Cows have No Wings
`Daily,' said Bajpai to his wife, `I become more amazed at the manner in which nature is organized; and the way in which everything upon this earth is in some way planned for the benefit of mankind.' She asked for an example. `Well, for instance, you note that cows have no wings, by the mercy of Providence.' `How does that help us?` `Dont you see? If they had wings they might roost on housetops, and destroy the roofs, to say nothing of the noise and the nuisance of their chewing and spitting their cud!' replied Bajpai.
Exchanging Goods for the Same Value
Bajpai went into a shop to buy a pair of trousers. Then he changed his mind and chose a cloak instead, at the same price. Picking up the cloak he left the shop. `You have not paid,' shouted the merchant. `I left you the trousers, which were of the same value as the cloak.' `But you did not pay for the trousers either.' `Of course not,' said Bajpai - `why should I pay for something that I did not want to buy?'
Strange that you should ask ...
Bajpai climbed into someone's kitchen garden and started filling a sack with everything that he could lay his hands on. A gardener saw him and came running. "What are you doing here?" "I was blown here by a high wind." replied Bajpai. "And who uprooted the vegetables? I caught hold of them to stop myself being swept along." "And how does it come that there are vegetables in that sack?" "That is just what I was wondering about when you interrupted me!"
Hearing that a man wanted to learn the Sanskrit language, Bajpai offered to teach him. Bajpai's own knowlege of Sanskrit was limited to a few words.
`We shall start with the word for "Hot Water",' said Bajpai. `In Sanskrit, this is *pani*.' "I dont quite understand, Bajpai. How would you say "Cold Water"?' `You never say "Cold Water". The Brahmins like their water hot.'
Bajpai's cow was lost. Everyone helped him to search the neighbourhood. Someone said: You dont seem at all worried. You realize, do you not, that your cow may never be found? Bajpai said: You see that hill, yonder? Nobody has looked there yet. If they dont find it there, then I'll start worrying.
Rupee Less to Pay
Sitting near some stepping-stones across a river, Bajpai saw that ten blind men wanted to cross the stream. He offered to help them over for a rupee each. They accepted and he started to take them across. Nine were safely delivered to the further bank. But, as he was making his way with the tenth, the unfortunate man tripped and was carried away by the flood. Sensing something amiss the nine survivors began calling out: "What happened, Bajpai?"
"A rupee less to pay," said Bajpai.
Handsome Prince Bajpai
Seeing something glittering in the gutter, Bajpai ran to pick it up. It was a metal mirror. Looking at it closely, he saw his face reflected in it. "No wonder it was thrown away - nothing as ugly as this could possibly appeal to anyone. The fault is in me, for I picked it up without reasoning that it must be something unpleasant," he said
Once, Pandit Bajpai had lost his way in the jungle. `O No, I have lost my way, and soon I will die of hunger.' So he lay down on the forest floor. After a while a group of hunters accosted him. `What happened to you?' `I have lost my way, and soon I will die of hunger,' he wailed.
What is a Brahman ?
A Brahman is a man who:
May not believe there is a God,
but is totally sure of the validity of the caste system ...
Won't harm a cow,
but will not complain when humans are killed ...
Won't eat meat or fish,
but will drink bhang and liquor for breakfast ...
Hates the Muslims,
but reserves his cruelty for Dalits ...
Gets more Brahmin the further he gets from Braj-bhumi ...
Believes all human are equal,
but only those of his own caste ...
Loves religion for its own sake,
but also because it makes it so inconvenient for his neighbors....
but does everything to get it
`We're out of ammunition,' shouted the soldier to Sergeant Iyer.
'Don't let the enemy know,' called Iyer. 'Keep firing!'
There's four of you putting these telegraph poles into the ground, Pandey,' said the foreman. 'How come they've all put in twenty, and you've only managed four?' 'But sir,' reasoned Pandey, 'look how much of the poles they're leaving sticking out of the ground!'
Three men boast about their good deeds. The first, a Rajput, says, 'Last month I saw a woman drowning in a river. I am scared of cold water. Still then, I jumped into the water and saved the woman!' The second man, a Sikh, said, `I saved my neighbours when their house was on fire!' The Brahmin then said, `Suddenly I received this telegram that my inheritance in Mumbai was in danger. That too during Dusshera! So, bravely deciding to miss dussera, I jumped on a train and saved my inheritance!'
'What does your husband do?' inquired Sarita Agarwal. 'Sure he works in a clock factory,' said Pratima Pandit. 'He sits at a bench making faces all day.'
Brahmin Bus Driver
A Brahmin applies for the post of bus driver and gets the job. On the first day itself he has an accident. The inquiry commissioner asked him, `How is it possible that the bus could go into a ditch on a straight road ?' `I also don't know. When it happened, I was at the back at the cash-register.'
What happened to the Pandu hunter who went on a hunting trip? He saw a sign along the road that said, "Bear Left" and so he got scared and went home.
Pandu Kamikaze Pilot
Q: How do you know that a kamikaze pilot is a Brahmin?
A: He has flown 99 missions.
Pandus at Sawmill
Chobey and Dubey landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Chobey yelled: "Dubey! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Dubey. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"
Mishra had got a job felling trees. And he was paid by results. They gave him an electric saw and off into the forest he went. At sunset Mishra returned with the other loggers and they counted their trees.
'I got ninety-eight,' said Majhi.
'Ninety-one,' added Dombi.
'I only got sixteen,' said Mishra.
'Well, I can't understand that,' said the boss. 'Maybe your saw is defective. Pass it here.'
The boss pulled the starting rope and the saw burst into life.
'My God,' said Mishra, 'what's that noise?'
A Brahmin once wanted to cut some wild and thick bamboos growing in his garden. Unfortunately, the local Dalit bamboo cutters had gone on strike. The Brahmin tries to cut the bamboos with his sickle, but finds it is taking too long and goes to a shop. The salesman offers him a motor-saw which can easily cut one hundred bamboo canes in one day. The Brahmin is impressed, but returns after two days, angry. `This motor-saw is not working!' he shouted. The salesman picked up the motor saw and said, `Let me see!' and started the motor. Rmmmm. The Brahmin: `What kind of a sound is that ?'
The police caught Panditji as he was robbing a house. Standing in front of the judge in the courtroom, the judge asks him if he had an accomplice. `No, Your Honour,' he replied. `I have no accomplices. In this yuga, there are so many dishonest people that I have to work alone.'
Selling the Cow
A Pandu returned home one day, very happy and with a big smile on his face. `Just imagine, I sold my cow for ten thousand rupees today!' His delighted wife asked, `Very good, did you bring home: coins or notes?' `Neither! I got two dogs worth Rs. five thousand each!'
Genius Brahman Calculator
A genius Panditji fast-calculator once appeared on a television show. The moderator of the show asked him, `Here we have a heap of ants. How many ants are there in the heap?' Without hesitating, Panditji replied, `2983' Astonished, the moderator asked, `How did you find the answer so quickly?' To which Panditji replied, `If you doubt me, why don't you count and see for yourself'
Panditji was seated upon a pony in a reverse position, with his back towards the pony's mouth as it trots about the city. His friends wondered, and asked him why he is doing this. He replied, `The dumb pony ate a one-rupee coin!'
Two Brahmins meet on the road. `How are you?' `Very bad. I have to buy a new comb. One of the prongs of my old comb broke off.' `You don't need to buy a new comb just because one prong broke off!' `It was the last prong!'
Working in the Zoo
Times were tough. The recession had really bitten and jobs were scarce. Pandey had tried everything, manual labour, waiting on tables, window cleaning. Each job just seemed to melt away and now he was desperate. Then he noticed an ad in the evening paper. 'Help needed urgently at Calcutta Zoo.'
'Who cares what the work is,' thought Pandey. `I will have a try.'
'Well, Mr Pandey,' said the head keeper, I'll tell you the truth. We're desperately short of animals anyway, and now the gorilla has gone down with the flu. We're looking for someone to dress up in a gorilla outfit and bounce around the cage.'
`I'm your man,' said Pandey. I'm your man.'
So terms were agreed - Rs.100 per week and all the bananas that Pandey could eat, and Pandey set off with a wail.
All morning he bounded around the cage, swinging from trees, bellowing and charging at the people on the other side of the bars. But if the morning went well, the afternoon was a disaster. Having feasted on five pounds of bananas, Pandey decided to do a little bouncing up and down. Second bounce he landed on a loose floorboard and crashed through the cage bottom into a lower cage full of lions.
'My God, help me,' screamed Pandey, starting to rip off the gorilla skin.
'Shut your mouth,' said the nearest lion, 'or you'll get us all the sack!'
Sharma was seen trying to shin up a huge telephone pole, and having little success.
'What's the problem?' asked Shukla.
'The boss wants me to measure this pole,' said Sharma.
'Well, to save yourself the effort why don't you lay the pole down?' Shukla said.
'No good,' reasoned Sharma. 'He wants the height not the length.'
Have you any work for me, sir?' inquired Sharma of the foreman.
'You can help that gang in the trench over there.'
Over went Sharma to the trench and jumped in, falling 15 feet.
'Why didn't you use the ladder?' shouted the boss.
'I thought they were for going up!' cried Sharma.
'You guys in the trench,' shouted the foreman. 'Can you climb out a minute.'
And out they clambered.
'Stamp your feet as hard as you can,' he ordered. And they did.
'Now jump back into the trench, then jump out and stamp your feet again.'
'Excuse me, saar,' muttered Trivedi, 'would this be some kind of ritual or such like?'
'No,' said the boss, 'you're bringing out more soil with your boots than you are with your shovels!'
Off our hero duly sped with dozens of bricks in his head, 20 feet up a ladder to the first level and then across a narrow plankway. The foreman suddenly realised that Pande was hopping along on one foot.
'Hey, why are you hopping on one foot?' called the boss to Pande.
'I don't think this plank will take my full weight,' cried Pande, `But it can take one-half of my weight!' he said, hopping along.
The wedding car had been hired from Sharma's Garange. It was a strange machine.
One previous owner - Shankaracharya.
So old the log book was in Sanskrit.
But worst of all it was extremely demanding on oil and petrol. In its time apparently it leaked that much oil that Arabs were known to have made a bid for the ground it stood on!
But petrol was worse - one kilometer liter at the most. So bad was it that Sharma had pulled into a self-service filling station and stood pumping gas for at least half an hour. Eventually the attendant came out and said to Sharma: 'You'll have to switch off your engine - you're catching up with us!'
There now follows a list of of inventions of the Brahmin man who was history's unluckiest inventor:
- An inflatable dartboard
- A chocolate kettle
- A soluble life-raft
- A self-righting aspirin
- A solar-powered torch.
Did you hear about the latest Pandu invention? It's a solar powered flashlight.
'Caught you!' said Policeman Mishra. 'Poaching in the river my boy is a serious offence. I must ask you to accompany me to the station.'
Halfway out of the wood Pandey the poacher pulled up in his tracks.
'Ram!' said he, 'haven't I left my jacket by the water's edge. I'll have to go back and get it!'
'No way,' said Mishra. 'If I let you go back you'll run off. I've got a better idea. You wait here and I'll go back for the coat!'
Same Fishing Spot
The Mishra twins had never known the likes before. Only two hours fishing and already the boat was full to overflowing with mackerel.
'Begod, we've struck a rare spot here,' said Atul. 'We must somehow try to remember this exact location for future reference.'
'Why don't we put an 'x' on the back of the boat so we'll know it exactly?' ventured Vikram.
'No good,' said his brother. 'We may not get the same boat next time!'
Pande walked into the church and spotted a man sitting cross-legged on the altar.
'My son,' said the holy man, 'what are you doing? Who are you?'
'I'm God,' said the stranger. 'Pardon?'
`I'm God,' he repeated. 'This is my house!' Pandey ran into the temple reception hall and, in total panic, rang the Acharya.
'Your reverence,' said he, 'I hate to trouble you, but there's a man sat on my altar who claims he's God. What'll he do?'
`Take no chances,' said the Acharya. 'Go back to the mandir and look busy!'
Panda and Pande stood on the deck of the submarine when the order rang out:
'Dive, dive, dive.'
Off the deck they leapt into the sea, just as the sub went down.
'He Ram, Panda,' said Pande, 'we only just got off before it sank!'
Dubey had been on the firing range for over an hour and hit nothing.
'It's no good,' he said to the colonel. 'I'll never make a soldier. I'm going off to shoot myself.'
`Take plenty of ammunition,' advised the colonel.
Frozen to Death
Did you hear about the Pandu family that froze to death outside a theatre? They were waiting to see the movie "Closed for the winter"
Q: Have you heard of a working Pandu? A: Neither have the Pandus!
One Pandu was writing an application for an interview. In the place of `sex' category he wrote "twice a week". He handed it over to the officer. The officer aked that "In Sex you were supposed to write male or female !" He answered: "Sometimes male but mostly with female"
Walking into Walls
Q: `What happens when a Brahmin with an erection walks into a wall?'
A: `He breaks his nose.'
"Pande," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?" "Ah," said Pande. "They're hand grenades. Next time that gay Panda comes feeling my *andas*, I'll blow his blaady fingers off!"
A Rajput, Havildar Singh, asks his long-time Brahmin friend, Ashutosh Sharma, " Panditji, I have heard that in Brahmin families, the mother has intercourse with the son, and the father with the daughter, in the manner of Brahma and Sarasvati of the Vedas. Is that true? "
Panditji replied, " You are only two-thirds correct! "
Asked the Rajput, " How so? "
Whereupon Panditji replied, " The Son also has intercourse with the Sister, like Pushan and his Sister. "
Mr. Nene's Trip
Mister Nene, his wife and his son, members of a proud Maharashtra Brahmin family, were returning home to Maharashtra after taking a trip to South India. Mister Nene was occupying the lower berth, his wife the middle berth and his son the top-most berth of the train. At one of the stops the son and father got off to buy some cold drinks. When they returned, they found a black Telugu who couldn't understand Marathi or Hindi, lying in the son's berth, the top-most one. Outraged, Mister Nene called the ticket collector. The ticket collector who was a Gujju said that he could not understand Hindi, Marathi or Telugu, so he asked Mr. Nene to explain the situation in English. Thus Mr. Nene explained, `That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child!'
A young Brahmin walks with his girl along the grass field of his father. Just in front of them, a bull is mounting a cow. He then whispers into her ear, `I would also like to do that now!' She replies, `Of course you can! They are your cows!'
Genie in the Bottle
Pandey was walking home, when suddenly he stumbled on a magic lamp. He rubbed the lamp, and out came a Muslim jinni [genie]. The genie told Prandey he could make three wishes, but that he would give twice the same thing to his worst enemy.
Pandey immediately thought about his annoying neighbor. Then he asked the genie for a big mountain of gold. Poof--there was a big mountain of gold on his backyard. He looked at the other side of the street, and his neighbor had two big mountains of gold.
Then he asked the genie for the ten most beautiful women the genie could think of. Poof--there were in front of him ten statuesque supermodels. He looked at the other side of the street, and his neighbor had twenty superstars from Bollywood.
Now Pandey had plenty of money and beautiful women. So he asked the jinni: Does it hurt to take out one testicle?
A Brahmin lady is against sinning and a devout follower of the Vedas. She sees the Dalit Mali [gardener] park his cycle near Babloo blootlegger's shop. Next day, she scolds the Dalit Mali, "You have been sinning." "Memsahib, what did I do ?" "I saw your cycle outside Babloo boot-legger's shop, so you must have been sinning inside." Next day, the Dalit Mali parks his bicycle outside the Brahmin mensahib's house and lets everyone see it.
Panda shows up at his friend Pande's place in a brand new red ferarri.
Pande: Wow Panda. *Kya Gaddi hai* (What a car)!"
Panda: *Main highway te lift mang reha tha* (I was asking for a lift on the highway. A fair lady came and told me, "want a ride Panda?" I hopped in, and she took me to the woods. Once in woods she got outside took off clothes and said to me "Mr Panda. take anything"
Pande is quite excited and asks, "What did you do, Panda?"
Panda: *Me gaddi leliya*. (I took the car)!
Pande: Good show - you wouldn't have fit into her clothes!
Happy Pandu Family
One day, Arvind Sharma's parents had gone out for a party, and his sister Madhu was preparing to go for her tuition class. When she had gone out, Arvind took his X tape and started to watch it. Suddenly Madhu remembered that she had left her money in her room and she returned home but she entered from back door. And accidently she watch what her brother was watching. Arvind realized that his sis was behind him watching that X movie but he let her just because he had his own plan. After few minutes he turned back and looked at her sis. They both understood what to do, and they did something what they should'nt do.
Arvind: Madhu, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done this to you. Please don't tell this to dad.
Madhu: Don't worry. I won't tell this to dad. Anyway you're better in this work than dad!
Arvind: It is! Mum told me the same thing. I'm better than dad!
A gum-chewing Brahmin (Pandu) and a Harijan are sitting together in a restaurant. The Pandu feels really proud to be a Brahmin, so he starts a conversation. He asks the Dalit, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?" "*Ji Haan!*, of course!" responds the Dalit man. "Well," says the Pandu, "we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell to Dalits." "And what about Chicken?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of them?" "Ji Haan! We do," replies the Dalit.
"You don`t say!" says the Pandu, grinning. "We don`t! We only eat the meaty part of the chicken. The greasy part we collect in containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little boneless pieces that we sell to Dalits."
Now the Dalit is really riled. So he asks, "And what do Pandus do with their used condoms?" "Hey, we throw them away of course," says the Pandu. "Ha!" exclaims the Dalit man. "We collect them in containers, take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell to Brahmins!"
Pandit Jee in America
Once a Pandit Jee went to america. He was careful of his friend's advice about the American culture. He was told to be carefull of venereal diseases. A lean boy approached Jee. "Give me all your money. If you refuse, I will use this syringe here, full of the HIV virus!" said the boy, brandishing a syringe.
Jee was too angry, and he shouted, "You fool! I am very careful I have worn condoms!"
Tattoo on Member
A Dalit guy was down with flu in bed rest in the hospital. The Brahmin nurse who was taking care of him saw that A M was tattooed in white letters on his black *lund*. She was very much eager to know the reason for this. When the man was alone she told him that she has seen his *lund* and was eager to know why he has tatooted A M there. The man told her that if she is really curious to know then she should just slap on his *lund* lightly. As the nurse did so the *lund* grew large and the name AnbhagazhagamKandalingam became visible.
Enlargening the Member
One day two teenage boys were in the change room after their gym class, one Brahmin boy called Vimal and one Harijan boy called Dombi. When Dombi removed his dress, Vimal saw his member. Vimal: "How come you have one so big? Man, I have a small one tell me your trick."
Dombi: "Well everyday I buy peanuts for 3 rupees and I eat them and thats what made me have so big a *lund*."
...the same eveving...
Vimal went to his mom and asked for 3 rupees.
Mom: "Why do you need 3 rupees?"
Vimal: "For nothing." Mom: "If you don't tell me for what, well I'm not giving you the money."
Then Vimal told his mom about the peanuts and about Dombi's Penis...
Then the mom give 30 rupees instead of 3 rupees.
Vimal: "Oh thanks mom you gave me 30 rupees." Mom: "Well son, 3 rupees is for you and buy lots of peanuts with the balance.
Vimal: "Is that for me?"
Mom: "No, Vimal ...the 27 rupees peanuts is for your dad."
Pandu and Girlfriend
This Pandu is very ashamed of his *lund* because of its size. He has an extremely small *lund* and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees its size. One night when him and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show it her. The Pandu opens his trousers, whips out his small *nuni*, and shoves it into her hand. He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction. His girlfriend says, "Thanks for offering, but I don't smoke.
Peanuts from the Garden
Two Brahmin women work in a garden. One pulls two peanuts off a peanut-bush. "See, these are just like my husband's testicles !" she exclaims. The second one replies, "Are they really that small ?"
"Well, almost - but I was talking about how dirty they are."
"You always get screwed when you buy a used van from a Dalit," said Ramani Iyer [Tamil Brahmin] to his wife Pankajam (beautiful name!).
"That settles it," she yelled. "I'm going out to buy a used van from a Dalit."
Saving the Man
A Christian father was walking down the street when suddenly he heard a scream followed by a thud. To his horror he saw a lovely young girl had been hit by a speeding motorist. In fact she had been hit so hard she had all of the clothes knocked off. The Father being a gentleman placed his hat across her privates. Meanwhile Shukla was just inside a dhaba. He'd been having several cups of bhang when he decided enough was enoug$ and he stepped out side to the accident. "He Ram" says Shukla "The first thing we got to do is get that man out of there."
Almost got Caught
Three employees - one Baniya, one Rajput and one Brahmin - find that their boss leaves early from work every day. One day, they decide to leave early too. The Baniya goes home and watches TV. The Rajput goes home early and sleeps. The Brahmin opened his bedroom door and found his wife in bed with the boss. Quickly, he closed the door and went back to work.
The next day, each tells the other what they did going home early. When asked what he did, the Pandu says, `I came back to office, because I almost got caught!'
A Brahmin and a Dalit are sick in hospital. The Pandu has his wife's name, `Varsha' tattooed on his *lund*. When it is flaccid, it becomes `Va'. The Pandu is very surprised when he sees that the Dalit guy next to him has `Va' tattooed on his *lund* too.
`Is your wife also called Varsha?' asked the curious Brahmin.
`See, I have tattooed my wife's name on my own *lund*, here,' and so saying he showed the Dalit his *lund*. `So I was wondering, because you also have `Va' on your *lund* that your wife was also called Varsha.'
`No, see, this is my wife's name,' said the Dalit, stroking his *lund*. The Brahmin looked at the Dalit's *lund* and saw the name `VijayalaksmiKumaradasa' tattooed on it.
From a Varanasi Newspaper:
Prize crossword. Solve it and win Rs.100,000! For those only playing for fun, the answers are on page 14.
Sign on the riverside road by a small Braj-bhumi village:
'When you can't read this sign, the road is flooded.'
Pandey went to the the dentist's. 'I've just had all my teeth out - never again!'
'You see my real shoe size is four,' said Varsha Mishra. 'But I'm wearing sevens because four sizes hurt!'
'How come every time you ring a wrong number it's never engaged?' wondered Pandey.
Mishra rang Mumbai airport and inquired: 'How long does it take to fly to Calcutta from Mumbai?' 'Just a second,' said the receptionist. 'Thank you,' said Mishra and replaced the phone.
Threes in the Interview
A Pandu went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies. When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Pandu.
"Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?"
After thinking for a while the Pandu took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not nine!" "Oh yes it is", said the Pandu, "Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!"
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Brahman and asked him to make it 99. After thinking for a longer while the Pandu scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: "But that is not ninety nine!" "Oh yes it is", said the Brahmin, "Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety nine."
Shukla finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like"
Shukla scratches his head, then answers "A cup of *bhang* that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the cup. Shukla was delighted and got stoned on this one magic *bhang* cup for weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes.
He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic, never ending *bhang* cup" he asked the Genie. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two of them"
Tripathi was staggering home with a bottle of beer in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
Stuck in Swamp
Sharma trapped in swamp quicksand when Shukla passed by.
"Help!" Sharma shouted, "I am falling!"
"Don't worry," assured Shukla. "I will pull you out. Shukla leaned out and grabbed Sharma's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Shukla said to Sharma, "Wait, I will get some help."
As Shukla was leaving, Sharma called "Shukla! Shukla! Do you think it will help if I pull my feet out of the stirrups?"
I spit here
Dubey was sitting in the beer bar when he had to go and relieve himself. "I spit here" he wrote on his beer can. When Dubey came back from the toilet, he saw the words "So did I" written below his own. "If I close my eyes, then I won't drink it," Dubey told himself as he quickly gulped down his beer.
Pandu: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet!
Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?
Pandu: Yes, but I thought it was mine!
'Mr Mishra,' said the boarding house landlady, 'I wonder if you would do me a great favour and change the lightbulb in the dining room?'
'Certainly,' said Mishra. Taking the bulb in his hand he stepped on to the highly polished dining table in his hobnailed boots and proceeded to set about the task.
'Hold on,' exclaimed the startled landlady, 'I'll get a sheet of paper to go under your feet.'
'No need,' said Mishra, 'I can reach already.'
The Gujju tourist entered the station and said: `The level crossing gates are jammed. Only one's open and one's closed.'
'Well, sir,' said Pandey, 'we're only half expecting a train!'
War against China
The Brahmins of Mathura declare war against China. `We declare war against your terrorist state. We have three tanks and 100 Soldiers,' the Brahmins declared in a letter. China responded, `Challenge accepted. We have 20,000 tanks and 4 Million soldiers.' The Brahmins responded, `We have to give up. There won't be enough place for all the prisoners of war in our country.'
Hang-gliding and Hunters
Panda and Pande went hunting for tigers. As they lay in the field, they suddenly spotted an object in the sky above. It was a Ghati tourist taking advantage of the windy conditions to do a little hang-gliding.
Both Brahmins opened fire simultaneously, riddling the sails with shot, causing the whole contraption to fall to earth, the passenger falling free and disappearing into the river.
'Did we kill that bird?' asked Pande.
'I don't know,' said Panda. 'But at least we got it to drop the poor Ghati!'
Rocket to the Sun
In front of the committee the ISRO scientist Dr. Pandey justified the project of building a rocket to the sun to compete with the Russians who had designed a rocket to go to space.
"This rocket is absolute necessary for the national pride," he said. "As the Russians went to space, and the Americans sent a rocket to the moon, we can beat them by sending a rocket to the Sun!" "Won't it melt?" asked a committee member.
"No, I will be sending it at ngiht!" he gleefully explained.
How much is the fare?
'How much is the bus fare to Calcutta?' asked Sharma.
'Two rupees,' said the driver.
`I've only one,' said Sharma. I'll run after the bus for a bit.'
Having sprinted two stops, Sharma breathlessly asked, 'How much is it now?'
'Three rupees,' said the driver. 'You're running the wrong way.'
Good at conundrums?
'Are you any good at conundrums?' inquired the Calcutta taxi driver.
'I've never heard of them,' said Trivedi.
'Well,' said the driver, Till give you an example. Brothers and sisters have I none, but that man's father is my father's son who is it?'
'I don't know,' said Trivedi.
'It's me, you fool,' said the driver.
'He Rama!' said Trivedi, 'I'll try that on the boys when I get home!'
On returning to Mathura he gathered his neighbourhood boys and said, `I'm going to test you all on conundrum bandrums. Think about this one. Brothers and sisters have I none, but that man's father is my father's son. Who is it?'
'We don't know,' chorused the boys.
'It's a taxi driver in Calcutta,' beamed Trivedi.
Offer then Half
Varsha Mishra went to Mumbai to do her Diwali shopping.
'Be careful,' said Madhu. Those Mumbai stores charge far more than you'd pay here in Imlinagar. They always double the price. So when you get there only offer them half.'
'I will,' said Varsha, and indeed she did.
'The green dress in the window,' she said. 'It's priced at Rs.40. That's much too dear!'
`Madam,' said the salesman, 'believe me it is a very reasonable price.'
'Don't give me that,' said Varsha. 'I know your kind, you're all robbers of the worst kind - I'll give you Rs.20 for the dress.'
'Look, madam,' said the salesman. 'I don't want a scene. If you calm down, I'll let you have the dress for Rs.20.'
In that case,' bellowed Varsha to a gathering crowd, 'I'll give you Rs.10 for it.'
'Madam, please,' begged the salesman, 'I don't want to sully our reputation. If it'll make you go away you can have it for Rs.10.'
'In that case I'll give you £5,' said Varsha.
`Madam, you're driving me nuts. To get rid of you, please take the dress for nothing.'
'In that case,' said Varsha, 'I want two!'
At Pandey's cremation, Varsha Mishra remarked about the corpse: 'Doesn't he look happy?'
'Yes,' said the widow Pandey. 'He died in his sleep and he doesn't know he's dead yet! In fact,' she went on, 'if he wakes up in the morning the shock will kill him!'
How is your son?
'How's your son Ranjan?' asked Mrs. Pandey.
'He's at university, taking Medicine,' said Mrs Panda proudly.
'And is it doing him any good?' asked Mrs. Pandey.
'Are the tablets doing you any good?' asked the doctor.
'Well, to be honest,' said Sharma, 'I haven't started taking them yet.'
'Why not?' asked the doctor.
'Well,' said Sharma, 'you told me to swallow them after a hot bath and I haven't finished swallowing the hot bath yet!'
An old soldier approached the State Bank of India counter, crutch under one arm. 'Can I withdraw ten rupees please?' he asked Tripathi, the bank clerk.
`Too late,' said Tripathi, 'we've just closed up.'
'Ah come on,' said the soldier. 'I lost my leg at Kargil.'
'Well, you won't find it in this bank,' said Tripathi.
This Pandu called Sharma and six friends sat in the corner of the *dhabha* and the barmaid was asked to bring bhang for all. She approached the seven, with six glasses on a tray, and the Pandu said:
'Whenever there's a cup missing I always get it! I'm the world's unluckiest man. If it was raining soup I'd be standing here with a fork in me hand.'
Sharma received a letter from his creditor: "If no payment is made within the next seven days, we are coming to take away your TV, your video, your dining suite, your microwave, your sound system, your washing machine and your bedroom suite. What would your neighbours think of that?'
Sharma replied, 'I've had a word with the neighbours and they think it would be a lousy trick!'
That is Nehru
Bikram Chobey, the American Brahmin with Indian ancestors, was leaving India. He was being searched at Mumbai airport by the security agents from RAW. In his bag they found a bust, recently painted by the looks of it.
'What is this?' asked the secret service man.
'What? What? This is not a what, it's a who. It's a bust of our dear departed leader Nehru, the greatest man of all time. I'm taking it to America to be part of a shrine to the man.'
Suitably impressed the RAW let him leave but it wasn't long before he was being asked similar questions as he tried to pass customs at New York airport.
'What is this?' they asked.
`What? What? This is not a what, it's a who. It's Nehru, the most evil man in the history of the world. I'm going to place it in my bedroom in my son's house to remind me of all the anguish I suffered in India, and how fortunate I am to live here in beautiful New York.'
Satisfied, the immigration officials allowed Chobey entry and he straightaway made tracks for his son's home in Bronx. Unpacking his bags he brought out the bust of Nehru.
'Who's that?' asked son Anil.
'Who? Who? That's not a who, it's a what,' said Chobey. 'And I'll tell you what that is. Four kilos of platinum, that's what that is, son!'
Are you an inmate?
Inside the perimeter fence of the lunatic asylum sat Satish Shukla, lazily painting the railings a bright blue. As he stroked the brush gently up and down he was approached by a passing Brahmin tourist.
'Are you an inmate of this place?' he inquired.
'Well, yes and no,' said Shukla. 'You see I masterminded the greatest train robbery in India's history. Fifteen crores of rupees we took. I was arrested but tricked the court into thinking I was nuts, and they put me in here.'
'Well, what happened to the money?' asked the tourist, who was called Pradip Pandey.
'Sure that's the greatest part of the whole affair. I managed to plant it not a mile from here. At Ganga Road there's a tall mango tree and I dug down twelve feet and buried the cash on the north side,' said Shukla with a smile.
The tourist Pandey could hardly stop from breaking into a gallop as he covered the mile to Ganga Road. He bought a spade at the general store and, finding the mango tree, he dug for dear life, ten feet, twelve feet, fifteen feet, twenty feet - nothing! A big fat zero.
Back to the nuthouse he raced and there sat Shukla, still painting. 'There's no money under that tree!' bellowed Pandey. 'No money at all.'
`You've dug down and searched have you?' asked Shukla.
'Yes,' muttered Pandey.
Shukla smiled and said, 'Grab a brush!'
Two Brahmin counterfeiters had produced thousands of genuine-looking notes - Rs.50, Rs.20, Rs.10 - and really they should have been happy with their lot. However, greed breeds greed, and they scrambled through the discarded notes that had not passed close scrutiny. Among the jumble they came upon a perfectly fine note - watermark in exactly the right place. The only trouble was that the amount shown was Rs.18.
'Never mind,' said Shukla, the bossman. 'We'll unload it when we're over in Gujjusthan.'
And so they took the note with them and, whilst in Baroda, they entered a corner shop to dispense with it. 'Excuse me,' said Shukla to shopkeeper Mehta. 'Have you got change for an Rs.18 note?'
'Indeed, sir,' said Mehta. 'And would you like three sixes or two nines?'
Calling the Doctor
"My wife is having a baby, can you come Dr.?" inquired Tripathi on the phone. "Yes," replied the doctor "Is this her first child?"
"No this is her husband speaking."
What are your names?
Three Pandus, their brains well whettened with *bhang*, startedt to quarrel on the Mathura street. Names were called, aspersions were cast and blows seemed inevitable. Suddenly, like the US cavalry, there appeared a van load of policemen called by a worried passer-by.
'Right boys,' shouted the cop, 'let's all calm down and get our heads together. For a start we'll have your names!'
Not wishing to disclose his identity, one looked around and saw a shop name.
'J.C.Hans, sir,' he said with a smile.
'Well done,' said number two glancing at another sign. 'Ganguram's Son,' he cried.
Number three, the worst of all for drink, looked round and then kept up the theme with the totally unforgettable: "Mathura Central Bank!"
Where do you live?
Sharma never ever learned and would seek the fruits of the grain and the grape at every chance he could. So no wonder that Friday night, the holy of holy times when the work of the week was done, found him drunk as usual and happily traipsing home with Shukla. As they sang and shuffled along the street they were confronted by a very large policeman.
'Now my fine fellows,' he glowered. 'Would you tell me where you live?'
'Well,' said Sharma, 'I live at no fixed abode.' 'And I,' added Shukla, 'live in the flat above!'
How many ducks in this bag?
'Anyone who can guess how many ducks I have in this sack can have both of them,' said Chobey.
'Three,' said Dubey.
'That's close enough,' said Chobey.
Want to buy a Watch?
Standing at the dhabha, all alone, Saroj Shukla was approached by Sharma, a local Pandu gangster.
'Hey there,' said Sharma out of the corner of his mouth, 'wanna buy a watch?'
'What's it like?' asked Shukla.
'Sh!' said Sharma. 'The fellow next to you is still wearing it!'
Draining his glass of bhang, Sharma said, 'I must be going. I'm taking night school classes in Rajasthani.'
`You learning Rajju? Why so?' asked the bartender. 'Well, we've just adopted a Rajput baby and I want to know what it says when it grows up,' replied Sharma.
Wise Brahmins travel to the Sun
Two Brahmins are hired as astronauts by ISRO to fly on a solar mission. `Where are we flying to? asks one. `To the Sun,' replies the other. `You mad Pandu! How can that be? Don't you know that it is too hot there? We will be burnt alive in the flames!' `Yes, during the daytime. But we are flying at night.'
Chobey had been told that the streets of Bangalore were paved with gold. Newly arrived in that fair city he was ambling along enjoying the morning air when he passed a dhabha outside which last night's rubbish had been stored in plastic bags. One had been kicked open and all over the pavement were gold tops from beer bottles.
'Gold,' shouted Chobey. 'I've struck a vein!'
Hurriedly he gathered all he could stuff into his pockets and marched into the dhabha.
`I'll have a double bhang,' he called to the barman, and placed a bottle top on the counter.
'This is tin,' sneered the barman.
'Thank God,' said Murphy. 'I thought it was only five - I'll have two double bhangs.'
Price of an Ad
'Is that the Times of India?' said Chobey.
'How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?'
'Five rupees an inch,' replied the receptionist.
`Too expensive!' snapped Chobey.
'Why? What are you selling?'
'A ten-foot cow-rope,' said the Pandu, and banged the phone down.
Nothing faster than a Tiger
'Before we enter the wilds of the Terai,' warned the hunter, 'always remember that the deadliest creature in these parts is the Tiger. Nothing in the world can outrun a hungry tiger!'
`I'll remember that,' said Tripathi. 'Don't you worry.'
For weeks on end the two trekked on towards the distant trading post until one morning the air was rent with an almighty roar.
'Say your prayers,' screamed the trapper. 'It's a hungry tiger.'
'I hear it,' called Tripathi, pulling on a pair of running shoes.
'Forget the shoes,' cried the trapper. 'You can't outrun a hungry tiger.' 'No, but I can outrun you,' smiled Tripathi.
Pandey sat in the cafe and perused the menu. Then he called the waitress and said:
'Well,' said Pandey, 'how much are two boiled eggs?'
`Two boiled eggs is Rs. 1.50 sir,' was the reply.
'And how much is one boiled egg?' he asked.
`One boiled egg is Rs.1, sir,' muttered the waitress impatiently.
'Well, then,' said Pandey, 'I'll have the other boiled egg.
Beat the Odds
Mishra had studied the facts carefully and had come up with the following conclusions.
The odds against being on a plane which had a bomb on board were 10,000 to 1.
However, the odds against being on a plane which had two bombs on board were 10,000,000 to 1.
'That settles it,' he said. 'From now on, every time I fly I'm taking a bomb with me!'
As the funeral procession went by, the American tourist inquired of the Pandu policeman called Mishra:
'I'm not sure,' said Mishra, 'but I think it's the fellow in the front car.'
Pande and Panda had stumbled on a dead cow.
'What shall we do with it?' asked Panda.
'Let's give it away as a prize,' said Pande. '2 Rs. a ticket, limited sale of 200 tickets.'
'But what happens when the winner finds out it's dead?' reasoned Panda.
'Sure, we'll give him his money back!' came the reply.
Feeding the Baby
'Wake up,' said Mishra. 'The baby's crying. It wants feeding.'
'Well, you feed it,' said his wife. 'It's your son.' 'Yes,' spluttered Mishra. 'But he's half yours.' 'I know,' smiled the wife. 'But it's your half that's crying!'
'I'll have two fish,' said Tripathi at the *dhabha*.
'Very well,' said the shopkeeper. 'The fish won't be long.'
'Then they'd better be fat,' warned Tripathi.
The young Salvation Army girl placed the collection box under the nose of Sharma and asked:
'Can you give a rupee for God?'
'How old are you?' asked Sharma.
`Twenty-four,' she replied.
'Well, I'm sixty-eight, I'll see him before you do. I'll pay him meself" came the retort.
'Why don't you give up the drinking, smoking and carousing?' said the do-gooder to drunkark Panda.
'It's too late,' replied Panda.
'It's never too late,' assured the virtuous one.
'Well, there's no rush then,' smiled Panda.
Not enough parachutes
The plane had developed engine trouble and the pilot had collapsed while trying to control the steep dive. The passengers scrambled for safety, but they could only find three parachutes and there were four of them. What to do? It was hard to think for the noise of the Brahmin yapping off about what he'd done in the war and how he'd succeeded in life and how he should be saved above all the others.
'Indeed that's true,' said the Dalit co-pilot, 'you should take one parachute.' Without further argument the Brahmin grabbed the chute and leaped out.
'And you, my dear,' said the Dalit co-pilot to the young Gujju nurse. 'You must be saved. Because you have so much to offer and so much to live for.' Out leapt the Gujju nurse with the second chute.
'And now,' said the co-pilot. 'Now ..." 'Wait a moment,' said the Tamil. 'There's only one chute left, and you must take it.' 'Indeed, my son, we will both be saved. There are two parachutes left,' said the co-pilot.
`Two?' stuttered the Tamil. 'How so?' 'Simple,' said the Dalit co-pilot. 'I gave the big-mouthed Pandu your food-sack!'
Pandu in Heaven
A Pandu (Brahmin) died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with 'T'.
2. How many seconds are in a year?
The pandu thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with 'T' are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, 'OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year?'
The Pandu replied, 'Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd,etc....' Saint Peter lets him in without another word
This Pandu Mishra was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled in the columns titled `Name, Age, Address' etc. Then he came to the column `Salary Expected:'. He was not sure as to what was to be filled there. After much thought he wrote: Yes
'I'm the unluckiest person in the whole world,' moaned Madhuri Tripathi. 'I bought a non-stick pan and can't get the label off.'
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Mishra. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the cop. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Pandu.
Kalpana Dikshit came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a rupee a word and he remembered Dikshit very well. She thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two rupees. But she wrote out the obituary, "Dikshit died." The newsman said he thought old Dikshit deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Dikshit thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Dikshit died. Cow for sale"
'The dinner seems to be taking forever to cook!' moaned Chobey.
'Don't blame me,' said his wife, 'I'm only following instructions. On the box it says that the peas have to be boiled separately. I can't tell you how long it's taking!'
Standing in Boiling Water
On a box of instructions it said 'Stand in boiling water for twenty minutes'. Mrs Pandey could never manage that, her feet hurt to much when the water got too hot!
The Bhangi and the Brahmin Begum
A Bhangi [beggar] walked up to the Brahmin mother on the street and said, "Begum [lady], I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself to," she replied.
Half a Brain
Q: What do you call a Brahmin Bimbo with half a brain?
Two Brain Cells
Q: What do you call a Brahmini with two braincells?
Q: Why aren't Brahminis good cattle herders?
A: They can't even keep two calves together!
Right Leg to Left Leg
Q: What did the Brahmini's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They have never met.
Washing in Sinks
Q: Why do Brahminis wash their hair in the sink?
A: That is where you are supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why do Brahminis wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a Brahmini passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
No Coffee Breaks
Q: Why should Brahminis not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
No Coffee Breaks
Q: Why don't Brahminis eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Brahmin Advice to Young Men from an Old Man
1. Don't pick on the weak. It's immoral. Don't antagonize the strong without cause, its stupid.
2. Don't hate women. It's a waste of time
3. Invest in yourself. Material things come to those that have self actualized.
4. Get in a fistfight, even if you are going to lose.
5. As a former Marine, take it from me. Don't join the military, unless you want to risk getting your balls blown off to secure other people's economic or political interests.
6. If something has a direct benefit to an individual or a class of people, and a theoretical, abstract, or amorphous benefit to everybody else, realize that the proponent's intentions are to benefit the former, not the latter, no matter what bullshit they try to feed you.
7. Don't be a Republican. They are self-dealing crooks with no sense of honor or patriotism to their fellow citizens. If you must be a Republican, don't be a conservative. They are whining, bitching, complaining, simple-minded self-righteous idiots who think they're perpetual victims. Listen to talk radio for a while, you'll see what I mean.
8. Don't take proffered advice without a critical analysis. 90% of all advice is intended to benefit the proponent, not the recipient. Actually, the number is probably closer to 97%, but I don't want to come off as cynical.
9. You'll spend your entire life listening to people tell you how much you owe them. You don't owe the vast majority of people shit.
10. Don't undermine your fellow young men. Mentor the young men that come after you. Society recognizes that you have the potential to be the most power force in society. It scares them. Society does not find young men sympathetic. They are afraid of you, both individually and collectively. Law enforcement's primary purpose is to suppress you.
11. As a young man, you're on your own. Society divides and conquers. Unlike women who have advocates looking out for them (NOW, Women's Study Departments, government, non-profit organizations, political advocacy groups) almost no one is looking out for you.
12. Young men provide the genius and muscle by which our society thrives. Look at the Silicone Valley. By in large, it was not old men or women that created the revolution we live. Realize that society steals your contributions, secures it with our intellectual property laws, and then takes credit and the rewards where none is due.
13. Know that few people have your best interests at heart. Your mother does. Your father probably does (if he stuck around). Your siblings are on your side. Everybody else worries about themselves.
14. Don't be afraid to tell people to Fuck off when need be. It is an important skill to acquire. As they say, speak your piece, even if your voice shakes.
15. Acquire empathy, good interpersonal skills, and confidence. Learn to read body language and non-verbal communication. Don't just concentrate on your vocational or technical skills, or you'll find your wife fucking somebody else.
16. Keep fit.
17. Don't speak ill of your wife/girlfriend. Back her up against the world, even if she's wrong. She should know that you have her back. When she needs your help, give it. She should know that you'll take her part.
18. Don't cheat on your wife/girlfriend. If you must cheat, don't humiliate her. Don't risk having your transgressions come back to her or her friends. Don't do it where you live. Don't do it with people in your social circle. Don't shit in your own back yard.
19. If your girlfriend doesn't make you feel good about yourself and bring joy to your life, fire her. That�s what girlfriends are for.
20. Don't bother with emotional affairs. They are just a vehicle for women to flirt and have someone make them feel good about themselves. That's the part of a relationship they want. For you it is a lot of work and investment in time. If they are having an emotional affair with you, they're probably fucking someone else.
21. Becoming a woman's friend and confidant is not going to get you into an intimate relationship. If you haven't gotten the girl within a reasonably short period of time, chances are you won't ever get her. She'll end up confiding to you about the sexual adventures she's having with someone else.
22. Have and nurture friendships with women.
23. Realize that love is a numbers game. Guys fall in love easily. You're going to see some girl and feel like you'll die if you don't get her. If she rejects you, move on to the next one. It's her loss.
24. Don't be an internet troll. Got out and live life. There is not a cadre of beautiful women advertising on Craigslist to have NSA sex with you. Beautiful women don't need to advertise. The websites that advertise with attractive women's photos and claims of loneliness are baloney. All they want is your money and your personal information so that they can market to you. The posts on Craigslist by young women seeking NSA sex, and asking for a picture are just a bunch of gay troll pic collectors. This is especially true if the post uses common gay lexicon like 'hole' as in 'fuck my hole' or seeks masculine men, or uses the word cock (except in the context of Don't send a cock shot.) There are women on Craigslist. They are easily recognizable by their 2-5 paragraph postings. Most are in their 30's or older.
25. When you become a man in full, know that people will get in your way. People who are attracted to you will somehow manage to step in your path. Gay guys will give you the look. Old people will somehow stumble in front of you at the worst time. Don't get frustrated. Just step aside and go about your business. Know that these are passive aggressive methods to get you to acknowledge their existence.
26. Don't gay bash. Don't mentally or physically abuse people because of who they are, or how they present themselves. It's none of your business to try to intimidate people into conformity.
27. If your gay, admit it to yourself, your parents, your friends and society at large. Be prepared to get harassed. See rule 14. If someone threatens you or assaults you, call the cops. Have them arrested. You have no obligation to self sacrifice because of who you are. As a gay person, you'll have more social freedom than straight men. Use it to protect yourself. Be prepared to get out of Dodge if your orientation makes your life unbearable. Move to San Francisco, New York, Atlanta, or New Orleans. You'll find a welcoming community there.
28. Don't be a poser. Avoid being one of those dudes who puts a surfboard on top of their car, but never surfs, or a dude with a powder coated fixed gear bike and a messenger bag, but was never a messenger. Live the life. Earn your bona fides.
29. Don't believe the crap about the patriarchy. More women are accepted and attend college. More degrees are awarded to women than men. Women outlive men. More men commit suicide. Men are twice as likely to be victims of violence, including murder. If you consider sexual assaults in prisons, twice as many men are raped as women (society thinks prison rape is funny). The streets are littered with homeless men, sprinkled with a few homeless women. Statically, women are happier than men. The myth that girls are being cheated by are educational system is belied by the fact that schools are bastions of femininity, mostly run by and taught by women. Girls outperform boys in school. It is the boys in school getting fucked over, and prescribed ritalin for being boys. Real wages for men are falling, while real wages for women are rising. Just because someone says something enough times, doesn't make it true. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
30. Remember, 97% of all advice is worthless. Take what you can use, and trash the rest.