A JEWISH MOTHER WAS TELLING A FREIND ABOUT HER KIDS...Q. why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
MY DOUGHTER MARRIED SUCH A NICE BOY,
HE LETS HER STAY IN BED ALL DAY, SHE DOESN'T GET UP UNTILL LATE SHE EATS BREAKFAST IN BED DOSN'T DO ANY HOUSEWRK, OH, WHAT A LIFE...
BUT MY SON...
OH MY GOD DID HE MARY A BITCH !
SHE STAYS IN BED ALL DAY, SHE DOESN'T GET UP UNTILL LATE SHE EATS BREAKFAST IN BED DOSN'T DO ANY HOUSEWRK
IS THAT A WIFE ?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q. What is the difference between an Italian grandmother and a Jewish grandmother?
A. One says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill you," and the other says, "If you don't eat, I'll kill myself."
Q. Why is money green?
A. Jews pick it before its ripe
Q. How was the Grand Canyon formed?
A. A long, long time ago, a Jew dropped a nickel down a gopher hole.
Q. How was copper wire invented?
A. Many years ago, two Jews found the same penny.
Q. What's a jew's idea of Christmas?
A. Parking meters on the roof.
Q. What does the Jewish Santa Claus say?
A. "Ho! Ho! Ho! Anybody wanna buy some toys?"
Father Murphy and the Rabbi were at a buffet. Father Murphy helped himself to a selection of cold meats and joked, 'I wonder if I'll ever see you helping yourself to a plate of cold ham?" The Rabbi said, "I probably will--at your wedding!"
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me," said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?" asked the father. "I turned to God for the answer" replied the Rabbi. "And what did he say?" pressed the father. "God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas. When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, "Sammy, since you're Jewish, I guess your family didn't celebrate Christmas."
Sammy replied, "Oh yes, we did. We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing 'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'
Three sons of a Yiddish Mama left their homeland, went abroad and prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.
AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."
MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the good book. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable rare priceless parrot that recites the whole book in yiddish -- Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and he does it perfectly."
Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.
"AVRAHAM", she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house".
"MOISHE", she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver has shpilkas -- he's a pain in the tuchas".
"But DAVID", she said, "THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS!"
The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 announcing we have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the mideast OTHER than Israel."
A short while later he announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel."
No answer from anyone.
A while later the pilot announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the mid-East OTHER than Israel.
Still no answer from anyone.
Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the mid-East, INCLUDING Israel.
Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit:
"This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help."
"God bless you," said the Syrian pilot, what should we do?"
Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitgadash..."
A Jewish lady calls the newspaper and asks for the obituary section. The obit guy asks, "What can I do for you?"
"I'd like to place an obituary."
"Awright, how would you like it to read?"
"Irving Cohen died."
"That's it? Irving Cohen died?"
"But you get four lines in the obit. It's included in the price."
"All right. Irving Cohen died... Cadillac for sale."
Jewish MP3 Comedy
Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The Jew requests a plate of strawberries.
He is told "But they are out of season !"
"So, I'll wait..."
A korean and jew are at a bar having some drinks. Out of the blue, the Jew punches the Korean in the face.
" What was that for! " exclaimed the Korean.
" Now that, " said the Jew " Was for Pearl harbor"
" Pearl Harbor! That was the Japenese!"
" Japenese, Chinese, Korean, what's the difference!"
Time passes and out of the blue the korean punches the Jew in the face.
" What was that for!" excaimed the Jew
" That, " said the Korean, " Was for the titanic"
" The Titanic was sunk by an iceburg! "
" Iceburg, Goldburg, what's the difference!"
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
In the early twenties, three Jews emigrated to the United States. As so often happened in those days, the American immigration officials at Ellis Island simplified their complicated names on the official records. In this case, the three were recorded as Diamond, Gold, and Taylor. Many years later, they met and asked how each of them had done.
Diamond: Oh, I've done very well. With my name I started a jewelry store. Right from the start it was successful. Now there are Diamond Jewelers all over the country.
Gold: Well, brother Diamond, I, too, have succeeded. Same idea. Gold? So I started the Gold Ornaments Shop. The shop succeeded wonderfully. The branches spread.
Now, I'm a millionaire.
Taylor: With me it wasn't so simple. My name is Taylor, so I started a clothing store. I worked very hard, but it failed. So I started another, but it also failed. My family, they were starving. So what could I do but pray to God. "Oh, Lord," I said, "help me to prosper. Lord, if you do, I'll promise to give you 50 percent of the profits."
Diamond and Gold: Well, tell us. Did it work?
Taylor: Did it work? You never heard of Lord and Taylor?
Moskowitz had bought a parrot and one morning found the bird at the eastern side of the cage, with a small prayer shawl over its head, rocking to and fro, and mumbling. Bending low to listen, Moskowitz was thunderstruck to discover the parrot was intoning prayers in the finest Hebrew.
"You're Jewish?" asked Moskowitz.
"Not only Jewish," said the parrot, "but Orthodox. So will you take me to the synagogue on Rosh Hashanah?"
Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, was indeed only 2 days away, and it would as always usher in the high-holiday season which would end with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, ten days later. Moskowitz said "Of course I'll take you, but can I tell my friends about you? This isn't a secret is it?"
"No secret at all. Tell anyone you want to." And the parrot returned to his praying.
Moskowitz went to all his friends to tell them about his Jewish parrot. Of course no one believed him, and in no time at all Moskowitz was taking bets. By Rosh Hashanah he had $1,000 in bets riding on the parrot.
Grinning, Moskowitz brought the parrot to the synagogue in its cage. He put him in a prominent place and everyone turned to watch the parrot do his prayers. Even the rabbi watched, as he had $7 that said the parrot would not pray.
Moskowitz waited. Everyone waited. The parrot did not pray. Moskowitz put the prayer shawl over the parrot's head, but the bird ducked and shawl fell off. After the services all of Moskowitz's friends laughed, and collected their money.
Utterly humiliated, Moskowitz returned home, turned viciously on the bird, screaming, "Prepare to die you little monster, for I'm going to wring your neck! If you can pray, now's the time!"
The parrot's voice rang out clear, "Hold it, you idiot. In 10 days it's Yom Kippur, when all the Jews will sing the tragic, haunting Kol nidre. Why don't you bet everyone that I can sing Kol Nidre."
"Why? You didn't do anything today!"
"Exactly," replied the bird. "So for Yom Kippur, just think of the odds you'll get!"