Lawyer Jokes  
Hit Counter   4-11-13 

Brief Lawyer Jokes

    How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    How many can you afford?

    How many personal injury lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Three one to change the light bulb, one to shake him off the ladder,
    and one to sue the ladder company.

    How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance,
    one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents,
    one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn
    in their time cards, one to depose, one to write
    interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary
    to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for
    professional services.

    Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
    Cats keep covering them with sand.

    The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
    They had pictures of lawyers on them,
    and people couldn't figure outwhich side to spit on.

    How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
    She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

    How does an attorney sleep?
    First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.

    How many lawyer jokes are there?
    Only three. The rest are true stories.

    If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
    save only one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

    What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
    Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

    What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

    Why does California have the most lawyers in the country
    while New Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
    New Jersey got first choice.

    What did the lawyer name his daughter?     Sue.

    What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?     Skeet.

    What do you call a lawyer gone bad?     Senator.

    What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?     Your honor.

    What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?     His partners.

    What does a lawyer use for birth control?     His personality.


A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding
man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on
bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a
perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding
man and asks him what he's doing.

The man replies, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards
signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," was the reply.


Johnny Cochran Goes Duck Hunting

Johnny Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr. Cochran what he was doing on his property. "Retrieving this duck that I just shot", he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the farmer.

Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No", replied the farmer, "I don't know, and I don't care."

"I am Johnny Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles", came the reply. "I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3 kicks law'."

"Never heard of it", said Johnny.

The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours".

Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said.

So the farmer kicked Johnny violently in the groin. As he was doubling over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs. After several moments, Johnny slowly made it back to his feet "Alright, now it's my turn", said Johnny.

"Aw, forget it", said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

How Much For a Heart?

A cardiac patient with end-stage heart disease was informed that he
needed an immediate heart transplant operation.

The heart surgeon told him, "You can have a doctor’s
heart for $10,000 dollars or a Rabbi’s heart for $25,000
dollars or I can give you a lawyer’s heart for$100,000 dollars."

The patient asked, "Why is the lawyer’s heart so much
more expensive than the others?" "

Well," replied the surgeon, "we have to go through a lot
of lawyers to find a heart."

A Physician, An Engineer, And A Lawyer

A Physician, an Engineer, and a Lawyer were discussing their professions. They were trying to determne which profession had been around the longest.

The Doctor said "Doctors were first. In the good book, it states that Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs.....That required the first surgery. So Doctors were here first."

The Engineer said, "NOPE, it also said, before Adam and Eve, that God created the heavens and the earth. That required a lot of plans and engineering work, so Engineers were here first."

The Lawyer said, "SORRY GUYS, lawyers were here before all that. If you read a little closer, it says that in the beginning there was confusion."

A Rich Man's Request

A rich man was dying and called his doctor, minister and lawyer to the hospital room. Over the years people had warned him that he could not take it with him and he was determined to take some of it with him. He gave each one of them $250,000 in cash with the instructions to place it in the casket just before burial.

At the funeral each one dutifully tossed the package into the coffin just before it was lowered into the grave and buried.

Afterwards the minister confessed that needs at the orphanage were extensive and he had taken out $10,000.

The doctor then confessed that he had removed $20,000 for the new children's hospital.

The lawyer then said: "I'm appalled at your lack of ethics. I placed my personal check for the full amount in the coffin!"


A Woman And Her Little Girl

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’"

Do You Serve Lawyers?

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "
Do you serve lawyers here?".

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my ‘gator."


"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.

"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected,
"Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record,
let's get on with the case."


Anal Sex

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had
developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such
a good idea.

The doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said that it didn't.

The doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that you
shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you
take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked "You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

The doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think attorneys come from?"


A Doctor, A Priest, And A Lawyer

A doctor, a priest, and a lawyer are adrift on a raft in the south Pacific. They're just about out of water, food, and hope, when they spot a small island. Only problem is, between the raft and the island is a large hungry school of tiger sharks.

The doctor insists, "I'll swim for the island and bring back coconuts and maybe even help. If the sharks attack me, with my medical knowledge I'll be able to tend to my wounds." The priest says, "No, no my son, I shall swim for the island. I will pray as soon as I hit the water and with my connections I'm sure to make it."

While the doctor and priest are arguing over who is to go, the lawyer dives into the water and swims toward the island. Miraculously, the sharks move away and clear a path for the attorney. A little while later, the barrister retruns to the raft with a lovely bunch of coconuts. And again the sharks clear a path for him.

He finally gets to the raft and the bewildered doctor and priest ask him what was the source of this miracle, and he replied, "Professional courtesy, of course!"


Satan's Fence

Satan was building a fence around hell one day when St. Peter saw him and noticed that the fence was on their side a little. Well he requested that the fence be moved and when Satan said no, St. Peter gave him a week to move the fence. A week went by and St. Peter again looked down and saw that the fence had not been moved. So again he calls Satan:

ST. PETER: "Look Satan You'll have to move the fence over to your side !"

SATAN: "I built the fence to keep my people in, and I ain't gonna move it one inch."

ST. PETER: "Then you leave me no choice, I'll have to sue you!"

SATAN: "Where do you think you'll get a lawyer?"

I'm fine

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the......."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?"

He's Alive!

A noted criminal defense lawyer was making his closing argument for his client accused of murder, although the body of the victim had never been found. The lawyer dramatically turned to the courtroom's clock and, pointing to it, announced, "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have some astounding news. I have found the supposed victim of this murder to be alive! In just ten seconds, she will walk through the door of this courtroom."

A heavy quiet suddenly fell over the courtroom as everyone waited for the dramatic entry. But nothing happened.

The smirking lawyer continued, "The mere fact that you were watching the door, expecting the victim to walk into this courtroom, is clear proof that you have far more than even a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was actually committed."

Tickled with the impact of his cleverness, the cocky lawyer confidently sat down to await acquittal.

The jury was instructed, filed out, and filed back in just ten minutes with a guilty verdict.

When the judge brought the proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer chased after the jury foreman: "Guilty? How could you convict? You were all watching the door!"

"Well," the foreman explained, "Most of us were watching the door. But one of us was watching the defendant, and he wasn't watching the door."

Cross Examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The Will

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"


A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?"

"Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

"So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?"

"Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home."

Bad Neighbours

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"

"$7.98." said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

Flight Emergency

Noticing they were having engine trouble, the pilot instructed the crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few moments later, the pilot asked the attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"We're all set back here, Captain," an attendant replied. "Except for one lawyer who is still going around passing out his business cards."

The Compliment

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

New Client

A lawyer opened his own office right after successfully passing the bar exam. Sitting idly at his desk, his secretary announced that a Mr. Baker was there to see him. He told his secretary to show him right in.

Thinking that it was a new client he wanted to make a good impression. As Mr. Baker was entering his office, the lawyer picked up the phone and yelled into it…"Absolutely not! You tell them I will not settle this case for less than five hundred thousand dollars. Don't bother me again until that amount has been agreed to!"

Slamming the phone down, he greeted Mr. Baker saying, "How do you do Mr. Baker. What can I do to help you?"

Mr. Baker replied, "Hi, I'm from the phone company. I'm here to connect your phone."

Justice Has Triumphed

A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!"

The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"

Suit Settled

A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home totally elated.

"Dad, listen, you aren't going to believe this," he said to his father. "I've finally settled that old Whitmore suit."

"Settled it!!" bellowed his father. "You bumbling idiot! We've been living off of that money for over five years now!"

Jury Duty

A man who was chosen for jury duty wanted very much to be dismissed from serving. He tried just about every excuse he could come up with, but nothing worked.

On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more try. Just as the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I feel I must be excused from this trial since I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those sneaky, beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said, 'He's a crook! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!' Therefore, your Honor, I could not possibly remain on this jury."

Glaring at him, the Judge replied, "Get yourself back in the jury box. That man is his lawyer!"

The Diner

Two lawyers entered the diner and ordered a couple of drinks. They then took sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry owner went over to them and said, "Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!"

Shrugging their shoulders the lawyers exchanged sandwiches.

The Hamburger

Prosecutor : What were you doing on July 15th at 9 o'clock in the evening ?
Prisoner : I was eating hamburger.
Prosecutor : What were you doing at 9:30 p.m. ?
Prisoner : I was taking a bicarbonate of soda.
Prosecutor : Do you expect us to believe you ?
Prisoner : You would if you had eaten one of those hamburgers.

The Lawyer and the Federal Housing Authority

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA (Federal Housing Authority) loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

The lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U. S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U. S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella. The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope ... you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have our ... loan?"


Unabomber Haiku  

Technology bad
Please tell me you like my beard
Or I'll blow you up

Fun, easygoing
single, white Unabomber
seeks same for love, laughs.

Ed McMahon of death:
"You may already be a
winner! Open now!"

Bad Unabomber!
Blowing people all to hell.
Do you take requests?

Farewell to tenure
Sniping from the tower clock
already been done

Why can't I get this
stupid computer to print?
Time to buy some stamps.

Should I comb my hair
Or should I wear it matted
Judge prefers it combed

Remember when you
Laughed at his fake fur parka?
He remembers, too.

"Open your present..."
"No, you open your present..."
Kaczinski Christmas

Its circumstantial
all that stuff in my cabin
I found it all. Yeah.

Ted's fate worse than death:
"You're assigned to prison shop.
Make computer chips."

Shy Midwestern kid
Attends Harvard, and presto!
Unabomber's born

Angered all the more
enraged year after year by
lame police drawing


Why don't you tell jokes about Jonestown?

Because the punch lines are too long...


What do you do if you see a space man?

Park in it, man.


A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says to the barternder, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.

He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip. He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye. The bartender accepts knowing the man can't possibly have two glass eyes. The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.

An hour later, the same guy walks up to the bar and says "I bet you $50 I can [takes his shot glass and places it on the other end of the bar] stand on this end of the bar and piss into that shotglass. The bartender says, "Well, you can't get around this one with your fucking eyes, I'm in." The man gets up on the bar, whips out his wang and proceeds to piss all over the bar. The bartender laughs, wipes up the mess, takes his money and says "What the hell, you just lost the money you bet me - and you knew that you wouldn't piss in that glass." The man says, "Yeah, I know. I bet that table over there a hundred bucks that if I got up and pissed all over the bar, you'd just laugh and wipe it up."


A little old lady went into the headquarters of a large national bank one day, dragging a large bag behind her. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?"

The old lady replied, "I make bets."

The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"

The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"

The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the heck's the matter with your lawyer?"

"Nothing," she answered, "Except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00AM today, I'd have the president of this bank's balls in my hand."


Why don't blind people skydive?

A: Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.


So a blind guy walks into a bar with his seeing-eye dog. As soon as we walks in, he grabs the leash tightly and yanks the dog up into the air. He begins swirling the dog around above his head. The bartender yells "What are you doing!?" and the guy says "Oh, just taking a look around."


Q. How does a blind skydiver know when to pull the ripcord?

A. When the leash goes slack.


How do you titillate an ocelot?

Oscillate its tit a lot.


A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything."

He gives the vendor a 20 and when he asks for change the vendor says "Change comes only from within".


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment, to get their s to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began telling their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have lots of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car. We stopped suddenly and the basket went flying and the eggs all broke and made a mess" "What's the moral of the story?", asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket", replied Ashley. "Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Susan raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we got only ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is don't count your chickens before they hatch." "That was a fine story Susan," said the teacher.

Then the teacher turned her attention to Bobby.

"Do you have a story, Bobby?" "Yes, ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She parachuted out and all she had with her was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then killed 20 more with the machete until the blade broke and THEN she killed the last 10 with her bare hands!" "Good lord!" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that story?"

Stay the f* away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."


what did the leper say to the prostitute?

"keep the tip."


Why was the leper hockey game cancelled?

There was a face off in the corner.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Rib bit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Rib bit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Rib bit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Rib bit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Rib bit Las Vegas.

" They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Rib bit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Rib bit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Rib bit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God

The frog replies, "Rib bit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a 38-to-1 shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.


A guy walks into a bar, orders 12 shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender asks, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."

The bartender asks, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."


A man arrives home from work early and rushes into his house.

He yells, "Honey, I won the Lottery - ten million dollars! Pack your Bags !!!"

His wife says, "That's great, where are we going?"

He says, "I don't care where you go, just get the fuck out !!!"

whats green and has wheels? grass, i lied about the wheels


I always heard that as "What's brown and has wheels? A turd, I was just shittin' you about the wheels."


Whats brown and sticky? A stick....


A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The egg is relaxing, smoking a cigarette, and looking very satisfied. The chicken is facing away and sulking.

Finally the chicken looks over and says, "Well I guess we know the answer to THAT question."


"How many Freudian slips does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, one to put the bulb in and one to hold the penis.

...ladder! One to hold the ladder."

True story: I just got a paper back from an English class and was reading over her notes. The last sentence reads: "This project brings us one step closet."

My teacher underlined it and put a smiley face. Is it that obvious?

Three cowboys – one from Oklahoma, one from Arkansas, and one from Texas, are standing around the fire trying to out-brag one another. The Oklahoman says, “Yesterday I restled a bull to the ground with my bare hands.” Then the Arkansan says, “Well I bit a rattlesnakes head off.” The Texan just sits there, silently, stirring the hot coals with his penis.

What is the difference between a shrew and a junior high girls track team star? A: One is a cunning little runt


A blind guy walks into a bar sits down and orders a beer. He then says to the bartender "do you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies "mister I can see that your blind so I'm gone give you a little help her. First off your in a lesbian bar. Secondly sitting to your right is beautiful blonde that weighs 230 and wrestles in the WWF. On your left is our blonde bouncer and she can bench press over 300 lbs. And I myself am blonde and kick both of there asses. Now do you still want to tell your joke?" The blind man replies "hell no, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."


As told to me by a San Francisco cab driver...

Q: How do you blind an Asian person?

A: Put a windshield in front of them.


What's the largest cause of pedophilia in America?
Sexy kids.

A business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!". Hearing this, the buisness man knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep.

The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the buisness man joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"

Suddenly everyone became quiet. After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"


There was this lion that was bending down to take a drink out of a watering hole when a monkey runs up behind him and fucks him up the ass really hard and runs off cackling madly. The lion was really pissed understandably and begins to chase the monkey. The monkey runs into a safari tourist camp and grabs some clothes, a hat and a newspaper, and quickly sits down behind the newspaper like he was reading it. The lion runs up and asks; "Did you see a little monkey run through here"? "You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?", the monkey said from behind the paper. "God damn it!" the lion roared; "It's in the fucking paper already!?"


A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard climbs down the tree, walks through the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says "Hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says, " much water did you drink?!"


I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic. "I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?"

The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.

"I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply.

He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...

"Iron this!"


A guy is sitting at a bar alone when he sees a really beautiful woman sitting on the other end. He sends her a drink and watches as the bartender gives her the drink and points to him. To his pleasant surprise, she gets up and sits next to him. They start talking, and she's coming on pretty strong - hands all over the place and lots of giggling. She leans over his shoulder and whispers throatily in his ear, "I want you to make me feel like a real woman." He takes off his shirt right there and says, "I need you to iron this for me."


So there is this international feminist convention in town the other day. A German lady gets up to the mic and states proudly, "I decided to get my husband to do the laundry, so I stopped doing it." The first day, I saw nothing, the second day there were some clean socks and the third day there were some shirts done, by the fourth day, he was doing all the dishes and I don't do them anymore!." Roar, the crowd is clapping.

Up comes the Finnish woman stating emphatically, "I decided I wouldn't do the cooking anymore! The first day, I saw no food, the second some eggs, by the third day, there was a full meal and I cook no more!" Roar!

Up comes the Cuban lady, "I decided I wouldn't do the dishes anymore." "The first day, I saw nothing, the second day, I still saw nothing, the third day, I saw nothing, but the fourth day, yes the fourth day I saw a little out of my right eye!"


Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard the Ref was blowing fouls.


Why did the baby cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken.


An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"


An asian car salesman finds he is having some vision problems at work. He jumps in one of his cars ont he lot and drives to the optometrist.

The doc takes one look into the asians eyes and says, "Ah, cataracts." And the asian guy says, "Oh no, rincoln continental."

A young Chinese couple who own a restaurant get married. The wife is a virgin, but the husband is not. On the honeymoon the husband wants to impress his wife so he tells her "whatever you want, i can do it tonight". She replies, shy and quiet, "I want to try 69"... The husband looks confused, and asks her "why you want sweet and sour pork with steamed vegetables?"

It is a good indicator that a woman fancies you, if when talking to you she touches her hair. If it's her pubic hair, its a sure thing.


My Physics teacher was arguing that it's impossible to be hit by a stationary object.

Quickly changed his tune when I smacked him in the head with a stapler.


My friend got pulled over coming home from work last night. Cop walked up to his window and was being a total prick right from the start. "Do you know how fast you were going back there? 58 in a 55. What are you in such a hurry for? And why the hell are you so smelly and dirty?" My friend, now furious that he got pulled over for a minor infraction, looked at the cop and said "I just got off work."

The cop responded, "What kind of job can you have to get that dirty at work?" "Well I am a rectum stretcher" my friend responded. "I take a rectum, work one finger in, then another, and another, until I can get both hands in and stretch it six feet wide." The cop, now curious and partially disgusted, asks "What in the hell would you do with a six foot asshole?!?"

My friend replied "Aply give it a radar gun and a badge..."


A little girl walks up to her mother and says "Mom, why is my name Rose?" The mother replies "When you were a baby a rose petal fell on your head so we called you Rose." Another little girl walks into the room and asks "Mom, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies "When you were a baby a lily petal fell on your head so we called you Lily." A third little girl walks into the room and screams "mrflnlrfmrln!!!" The mother shouts "SHUT UP FRIDGE!"


Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says "But, doctor...I am Pagliacci." Good joke. Everybody laugh.


I once submitted 10 pun jokes in the hopes of winning first prize. However, no pun in ten did.


John went on vacation at the Grand Canyon. After a day of activities he decides to get a drink at a bar overlooking the canyon. He walks in, orders a drink, and starts talking to the guy next to him. The guy is clearly drunk. He starts telling John that this was a very special area of the Grand Canyon. He claimed that this area created some sort of mystic jet stream. If you were to fall down at this point, you would simply float back up. John took it as drunk talk. The drunk guy seemed angered by John, so he decided to prove his point. He got up jumped off the cliff, and somehow floated right back up from the bottom and into the bar. John was amazed and wanted to know more. They sat there talking about it over several drinks. The drunk guy jumped off again, and once again floated back into the bar. John was a little inebriated at this point, so after some coaxing from the drunk guy, he finally decides he will try it. He jumps off and hits the bottom with bone crushing force. The bar tender looks at the drunk guy and says, "You know Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."


What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape.


Q: How do you stop a clown from smiling?

A: Hit him in the face with an ax.


What do you do if attacked by two clowns?

go for the Juggler

Two cannibals feasting on a clown that got shipwrecked on their island. One says to the other "This taste funny to you?"


So a mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve mushroom here." The mushroom says, "But why, I'm a FUN GUY" ...."So go on and out of here" says the bartender. "But why?" the fungi replies. "Because there isn't MUSHROOM."


I always liked: what do you call a mushroom with a nine inch stem? a fungi.


Which side of a tiger has the most fur?

The outside.


what has seven arms and sucks? def leopard

A Scottsman walks into a bar and sits next to a wet behind the ears tourist. He orders a beer and starts to tell his tale:

"Oy mate, ya see that picture on the wall? I built the frame with me own two hands. But to they call me Duncan the Framemaker? No..."

He takes a sip of his beer.

"Oy, ya see this here bar we're at? I built this bar with me own two hands. Do they call me Duncan the Barmaker? No..."

Another long and sorrowful sip.

"Oy, mate. Ya see that there barn down the way there? I built and raised that bar with me own two hands. But do they call me Duncan the Barnraiser? No..."

He takes a breath.

"But ya fuck just ONE goat..."


A man and his buddy are drinking at the bar. The guy spills some beer on his shirt. Dammit I just spilled beer on my shirt and my wife is going to upset with me for having to get this shirt cleaned again. His friend puts a twenty dollar bill in his shirt pocket and says: "Tell your wife some guy spilled a drink on you but gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." The man says it is a great idea, so they continue on their night of drinking. When the guy gets home as expected his wife is upset about the dirty shirt. The guy tells her about the man at the bar who spilled the beer on his shirt. She reaches into his pocket and says: "Well it looks like there is forty dollars in here." The man drunkenly replies: "Oh yeah, that guy also crapped my pants."


A tax auditor comes to audit a Rabbi. The auditor says, "ok Rabbi, what do you do with all the extra food you have left over? selling it for profit, huh?" The Rabbi say, "no we just donate it to homeless food shelters." "Ok ok", says the auditor, "now what do you do with all of the extra bottles of that Jewish wine you have left over, sell it for profit? "No" says the Rabbi, " we give it to an organization to sends it to families who can't afford wine in order to help them enjoy traditional Jewish dinners." "Ok ok", says the auditor, "now what do you do with these extra foreskins that you have left over after circumcision, huh? "Well," says the Rabbi, "We mail it to the IRS and they send us a prick like you."
A polar bear is driving his car through the desert when it breaks down. He manages to get the car to a garage and the mechanic tells him it will take 45 minutes to fix his car, but there's a diner and ice cream shop across the street. So the polar goes into the diner eats a big burger, then goes into the ice cream shop and has a vanilla sundae to cool off. When he's done he goes back to the garage and asks the mechanic what was wrong with his car and mechanic says: "Looks like you blew a seal" and the polar bear goes: "no, that's just ice cream".


Q: How do you know when an auto-mechanic has had sex?

A: One of his fingers is clean.

Two hillbillies are out doing a little hunting. "Them is deer tracks" said the first hillbilly. "Naw, thems hog tracks if ever seent any" said the second hillbilly. "Deer tracks!" "Hog tracks!" "Deer tracks!!" "Hog tracks !!!"

That's about when the train hit them.


A Korean goes into a bar and sits down. A man wearing a WW2 vet hat walked over to him and said, "Hey, We don't take kindly to your types 'round here." The Korean responds, "I beg your pardon." The vet goes, "Yeah. You guys shouldn't allowed here after what you did to Pearl Harbor." The Korean says, "Oh you must be mistaken. I'm Korean not Japanese." The vet says, "I don't care about that you're all the same to me, Chinese, Japanese, Korean it's all the same." The Korean replies, "Well at least my people didn't sink the titanic." The vet responds, "But I'm Jewish and it was an iceberg that sunk the titanic." The Korean retorts, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, You're all the same to me."


Q: What do American beer and making love in a canoe have in common?

A: They are both fucking close to water.


why do women wear makeup and perfume?

because they are ugly and they smell bad.

This blind man walks into a fish market, and says: "Good morning ladies."


why aren't there any natives on star trek?

they don't work in the future either


Q: Why did god create yeast infections?

A: So women would know what its like to live with an irritating cunt too


What do the Loch Ness Monster and Blondes have in common?

They both swallow seamen


Two guys walk into a bar, which is stupid because you'd think the second guy would have ducked.


A mathematician walks into a bar and orders 10 times what the guy next to him is having. The bartender says "Now thats an order of magnitutde!"

Man: Doc, I think I'm dying, it hurts when I push my head, my ribs, my stomach and my back. What do you think is wrong with me?

Doc: Ah, you have a broken finger.


A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"


There's a woman on a beach in a wheelchair and she is crying, A man comes up to her and asks her "what's wrong?" She replies "I'm's just...I've never been hugged before" another bout of crying ensues. The man feels sorry for her and gives her a friendly hug. She cheers up and the man goes on his way.

An hour later she is crying again and another man sees her and asks her "what's wrong?" She replies "I'm sorry...It's just I've never been kissed before", the man, feeling sorry for her, gives her a friendly peck on the cheek, the woman looks a bit cheerier and the man walks off.

Another hour later she is crying yet again, and another man walks up to her and asks her what's wrong. She replies "I'm sorry...It's just...I've never been fucked before" so the man looks at her, grabs her wheelchair, and wheels her into the sea, he walks off, whilst shouting "You're fucked now, the tide's coming in!"


A successful real estate broker, with a very posh condo on the 12th floor of the nicest high rise in town, was absolutely certain his wife was cheating on him. He went to some lengths to find evidence of it, but had been unsuccessful, so far. He had even gone so far as to have a P.I. follow her but to no avail. He finally concocted a scheme that he was certain would finally catch her in the act. He told her he had to go out of town on business. On the appointed day, she dropped him off at the airport, where he boarded a quick commuter flight to a nearby city, whereupon he climbed right back on to the return flight. He had been gone maybe two hours when he climbed into the taxi and headed home. He waited very anxiously for the elevator in the lobby of his condo, certain his proof was at hand. By the time he reached the front door of his condo, he was so nervous he dropped his keys. When the door finally opened, he tore through the dining room, where, sure enough, an intimate dinner for two had already been consumed. The candles were burned down to nubs, and the wine bottle was empty. He ran as fast as his feet could carry him into the bedroom to find his wife, sweaty and naked, on top of a very disheveled bed.

"WHERE IS HE?!?!" the man bellowed, "Where is the disgusting, shit-faced , son of a whore you're fucking?"

"Who are you talking about, dear, I was just napping," was the best she could do. "I'll find the asshole myself then," was his cold reply. He tore the condo apart looking but his search proved futile. Not in the shower, or the closet, or under the bed. "He must have slipped by me. He could be leaving as I sit here," the man said to himself. He ran to the balcony and peered over the side. His view of the front door was clear and, as he watched, a dapper young man strolled through them, straightened his tie, lit up a large cigar, smiled a huge shit eating grin up towards his condo, and began to walk down the side walk underneath the balcony.

"That's him, that's the fucking man whore that's doing my wife!" the man cried. As the young man continued under the balcony, the cuckold grabbed for the nearest thing he could find, a small apartment size refrigerator that was kept on the patio to keep drinks cold, and he hurled it over the edge of the balcony. It landed square on the young mans head, killing him instantly. Suddenly overcome by the realization of what he had done, the older man decided he had nothing left to live for and he jumped over the railing, dying soon after his impact with the ground.

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is at his podium, reading over the book of names. He calls out for the next person in line, the young man approaches, and is asked how he died. The young man explains how he had been having a nice day, and had just completed a deal that would allow him to pay off all his debts and finally start living the life he and his young wife had always dreamed of. He was walking back to his home to tell his wife, he lit up a cigar especially saved for the occasion, smiled up at the beaming sun, and was suddenly crushed by a small apartment size refrigerator.

St Peter glances sidelong at one of his colleagues, they share a knowing look, and he tells the young man to enter into his eternal rest. He then calls for the next in line. Our cuckold walks to the podium, and is asked how he died. He explains at length how he had caught they guy who had been sleeping with his wife and had killed him, then remorsefully committed suicide. St. Peter tells the man his fate, and as he walks away to his doom, St. Peter says to his aide, "These stories get stranger and stranger every day." He then calls for the next man in line, who walks to the podium and says, "If you think their stories were strange, I was in this refrigerator when..."


Two flies sitting on a pile of shit. One of them farts. The other one says; "God damn it! I'm trying to eat over here!"


Man finds snake named Nate in desert. Snake has lever that ends mankind and gives man option to pull it, but he does not. Man and snake become friends. Man comes back to visit snake, but breaks on his vehicle fail, so he ends up running over the snake instead of accidentally hitting the lever and ending humanity. He shouts "Better Nate than Lever."

Why were the baker's hands brown?

Because he kneaded a shit.
I was interviewing students for a high school radio station. I asked, "What's the biggest problem here on campus -- ignorance, apathy or isolation?" One student paused for a minute, then said, "I don't know, I don't care, leave me alone!"


This guy goes into a grocery store, picks up some donuts, beer, a box of macaroni & cheese, and a can of tuna. He walks up to the checkout counter and puts his purchases on the belt. The cashier scans his groceries, looks up at him, smiles, and goes, "I bet you're single, aren't you?" The guy laughs a little, and says, "Yeah, how'd you know?" The cashier says, "'Cause you're ugly."

whats brown and sticky? a stick...

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bulldozer

What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

Q)What's the difference between n*s and snow tires?

A)Snow tires don't sing when you slap chains on them.

What's the difference between the pope and Madeline McCann? The Pope died a virgin.


What do you call a black guy who flies a plane?

A pilot you racist fuck!
A leper walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He sips on it and notices out of the corner of his eye that the guy beside him is glancing over at him periodically, and after one of the glances, the guy leans up and pukes into an empty beer mug. It causes a small ruckus, the bartender throws the glass in the trash, and it's soon forgotten. After only a couple minutes pass, the guy is looking over at him again, and just as the leper is about to look back, the guy leans up and pukes all over the bar. The leper says, "Hey man, I didn't choose to have this disease. If you can't help being sickened by it, maybe you should leave."

The guy replies, "Oh no, it's not that. It's just... well.. that lady sitting on the other side of you keeps dipping her chips in your elbow."

One day a tiny man entered a North Zone café and ordered a cup of very hot, sweet coffee adding, "I shan’t pay, because I’m afraid of no one"

He drank his coffee

He left

He didn’t pay for his coffee

For the sake of peace, the café owner said nothing

But when the tiny man repeated the trick three times the café owner decided to get a tough to sort him out

So, on the fourth day when the tiny man called for his cup of coffee the tough lumbered up to him and said:

"So you’re afraid of no one?"

"That’s right"

"Well, neither am I"

"Make that two cups of coffee", called the man

A man returns home from a fantastic round of golf to a voicemail from his doctor. "Mr. Miller, I have some terrible news. Please call me as soon as possible." The man reluctantly calls the doc. "Mr. Miller, are you near a chair? Can you sit down? While you were out golfing your trophy wife was in a terrible car accident. 85% of her body was burned and she is currently in critical condition. The good news is we are nearly certain she will pull through, but she will never look the same and will require round-the-clock service from you, her beloved husband." The man lets out a sigh as the doctor replies, "Nah I'm just fucking with you, she's dead, what'd you shoot?!"
Whats the definition of impossible?

Nailing diarrhea to the ceiling.

A Pirate walks into a doctors office with a steering wheel in his pants.

the doc says "hey you've got a steering wheel in your pants" pirate says "AARR, it's drivin me nuts"

q: how many freudian psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
a: two. one to replace the bulb and one to hold the penis. ladder.


What's the worst thing about putting a baby in a blender?

The noise it's mother makes.

What sound does a baby make when you put it in the blender?

I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.

Whats the difference between a woman in chruch and a woman in a bath tub? The woman in church has hope in her soul... (say it out loud)


See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"


A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?"

"Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.


A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98."

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .


A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"


"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25'."



The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"



A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, "Now got into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?"

"Well, dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody get up in a croud and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "



What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.



A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"


A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"


An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."



The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"


When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the lawyer writes:
"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."


In the USA, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.
In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.
In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.
In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
In Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.


A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."


A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches."

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."


A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"



An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery."

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."


An engineer dies and reports to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
Satan by Deddi Shy
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"


A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"


A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner. The attorney asked, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"
"No," the coroner replied.

The attorney then asked, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"
The coroner said, "No."

"Did you check for breathing?", asked the attorney.
Again the coroner replied, "No."

The attorney asked, "So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"
The coroner, now tired of the brow beating said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."



What's wrong with Lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.

When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.

There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defence."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"
The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer

He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
He tells you that he has never told a lie.
A big sign in his office says: "Don't ask me."
A prison guard is shaving your head.


How lawyers do it...

Lawyers do it with appeal.
Lawyers do it confidentially.
Lawyers do it on a trial basis.
Lawyers do it until justice prevails.
Lawyers do it as long as you can pay them.
Lawyers do it unless it is prohibited by law.


You Might Be a Lawyer if...

* you are charging someone for reading these jokes.
* you believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one.
* you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
* you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written.
* your other car is a BMW.
* when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
when your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.



How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many can you afford?"
It only takes one to change your his.
Two. One to change it and one to keep interrupting by standing up and shouting "Objection!"
Three. One to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
Three. One to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
Three. One to sue the power company for insufficiently supplying power, or negligent failure to prevent the surge that made the bulb burn out in the first place, one to sue the electrician who wired the house, and one to sue the bulb manufacturers.
Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, lawyers only screw us.

What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a scum sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.


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