Visitor's Jokes
   4-11-13 

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid’s
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call 4 Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean & Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef & Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer & a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado & a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
Now, admit it... at least one of these made you smile.

***
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

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He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . ."Okay, ma'am, all done."    My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.   "You can board your flight now."

Who is Jack Schitt ??

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack

Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in

an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the

fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt,

Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious

couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt,

Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb

Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and

Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because

her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a

son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the

other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable

throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a

dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the

Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,

Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He

recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can

correct them.

Now this is how to do a prank!   Oink!

True Story - Some clever fun loving minor teenage hooligans let three pigs loose in their local high school. They painted on the side of the pigs #1, #2, and #4. The school officials and police rounded up the three pigs in short order, then they spent hours looking for pig #3.

following too closely

You know you have a good lawyer when he gets a charge of sodomy reduced to "following too closely"

in-laws

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws.

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have a joke for you guys and gals:

Mother-in-Law

A man, his wife , and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here in the HOLY LAND for $150". 

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead,  I just can't take that chance."

A Full Life

A boat is docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist is complimenting a Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asks how long it takes him to catch them. 

"Not very long," answered the Mexican. 

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. 

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. 

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" 

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life." 

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. Then, with the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Also, instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge and successful enterprise." 

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty five years, at the most" replied the American. 

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" 

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"

Instructions for Life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama:

 1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

 2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

 3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions.

 4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

 5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

 6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

 7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

 8. Spend some time alone every day.

 9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

 10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

 11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a
 second time.

 12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

 13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

 14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

 15. Be gentle with the earth.

 16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before.

 17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need  for     each other.

 18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

 19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

by: Carlo Montes

Question: When is the best time to milk a cow?
  Answer: When she is in the mooooood.

by: Angela and Maria

When your friend loses her house it's a recession.
When you lose your house it's a depression....

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 Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7? A: 'Cus 7 8 9.

Q: How do you fit 4 elephants in a Volkswagen? A: 2 in the front, 2 in the back.

Q: Why don't elephants play basketball? A: They can't find round sneakers.

Q: Why don't elephants ride tricycles? A: They don't have a thumb to ring the bell.

Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant in your refrigerator? A: Footprints in the butter.

Q: How can you tell if there are 2 elephants in your refrigerator? A: 2 sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How can you tell if there are 3 elephants in your refrigerator? A: 3 sets of footprints in the butter.

Q: How can you tell if there are 4 elephants in your refrigerator? A: There's a Volkswagen parked in your driveway.

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Why did the Mexican fella get a promotion?

 He had seniority

The ice-cream man was found dead in his truck, covered in raspberry sauce and chocolate sprinkles. The police reckon he topped himself.

 What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fat guys in a pub. One says to the other 'your round'. The other turns and says 'so are you, you fat bastard'.

 Man walks into a doctors and says 'Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places!'. The doctor says 'Well, don't go there any more.'

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Q. Where does a horse go when it is sick?

A. The Horspital

 Q. What time should you go to the dentist?

 A. Tooth hurty

 What's red and smells like blue paint?

 Red paint!

Why is imitation like a plateau?

 They're both the highest form of flattery.

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What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

 What do you call a guy with rabbits up his ass? Warren .

 What's brown and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven's last movement.

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Can a carboard box?

 No, but a tin can

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What's worse than a can opener? A can't opener.

 You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

 What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.

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Two guys are fishing, one guy snags a fish, and when he stands up, his wallet falls into the lake! As he watches it fall into the murky depths, a fish swims up with the wallet on its nose. Then to his amazement the fish passes the wallet to another fish, then to another fish. The guy goes "wow, i've never seen anything like that before" so his buddy replies "what, you've never seen carp to carp walleting before?"

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what is brown and sticky? A stick.

Q: What is the definition of a farmer? A: A man outstanding in his field.

You know what they say about cats and dogs. There's a 'b' in both.

You know what they say about plains in Spain . There's no 'n' in either.

What do a raven and a writing desk have in common? Poe wrote on both.

Two nuns visit the city for the first time.

They ask for 2 hot dogs from a street vendor.

Upon receiving the food, nun 1, blushing madly, whispers to nun 2: "what part did you get?"

How do you find a lost dog in the woods?

Put your ear to a tree and listen to the bark.

 Where do you find a dog with no legs? Where you left it.

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What you call a dog with no hind legs, and huge ball berrings testicles? Sparky.

 Knock knock.

 Who's there?

Mark Snifferpippitz.

Mark Snifferpippitz, who?

 How many Mark Snifferpippitz's do you know? Lemme in, it's cold out here. Jeez.

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What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?

 One is against the law and the other is a sick bird of prey.

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Q: Why won't lobsters share their lunch?

A: Because they're shellfish.

Q: What was Beethoven's favourite fruit?

A: Ba-na-na-naaa!

 What you call a fly with no wings... a walk

 What you call a fly with no wings and no legs... A raisin

This reminds me of: What do you call a woman with one leg and one arm? Eileen. What do you call 2 guys with no arms and no legs hangin out over a window? "Kurt n' Rod" etc. What you call a one eyed deer? " Have No' eye deer".. What?

Q - What do ya call a guy with no legs and no arms on the wall?

 A - Art.

Q - What do ya call a guy with no legs and no arms in the ocean?

A - Bob.

Q - What do ya call a guy with no legs and no arms laying on the floor?

A - Matt.

Q - What do you call a woman with one leg shorter that the other?

A - Eileen

Q - An Asian woman with the same affliction?

A - Irene

Q - After the operation?

A - Noleen

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs under a pile of leaves? Rustle. :)

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Ole and Sven were out hunting and they came upon a set of tracks. "Those are bear tracks" said Ole. "No, those are deer tracks" said Sven. And while they were standing there arguing a train ran them over.

 Why do firemen wear red suspenders?

To keep their pants up.

Next time you drive through a town and pass the cemetary, elbow him in the ribs and go "Look Dad, it's the dead centre of town!"

 That cemetery is packed; people must be dying to get in there!

 I think this is a standard dad move. My dad takes it to another level by following it up with a little poetry:

 Why are there walls around graveyards? It's silly, without a doubt. The people outside don't want to get in, and the people inside can't get out.

 My dad always says, "You know how many dead people are buried there? All of them." (he also does the same with "how many trees are in that forest?"

 What did one casket say to the other? That you, coffin?

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chemistry joke:

What's the difference between an enzyme and an hormone? You can't hear an enzyme.

 Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead.

 Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

 It was stapled to the first one.

 Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

 Peer pressure.

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Why did the cowboy fall of his horse? Hit by falling monkeys.

Where do spaceships park?

 At parking meteors

Why shouldn't you play cards in the jungle? Because of all the cheetahs.

Did you hear the one about the pianist who composed while falling down a mine shaft?

All his songs were in a-flat miner.

Did you hear about the wooden car? It wooden go.

A neutron walks into a bar, orders a beer and asks "How much for the drink?" The bartender replies, "for you, no charge."

What language do they speak in Cuba ? Cubic.

What has 4 legs and a machine gun?

A pool table. I was lying about the machine gun.

If you wanna catch a polar bear just cut a hole in the ice and leave some peas around the hole. When the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

There were two penguins standing on an ice floe. One penguin turns to the other and says, "You look like you're wearing a tuxedo." Second penguin says, "Who says I'm not?"

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho Cheese

What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? A chipmonk.

What do wolves say to each other when they are introduced? Howl do you do?

Q: Did you hear about the two drums and a cymbal that fell off of a cliff?

A: Ba-dum-tish

Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus are incapable of feeling fear.

Why didn't the pirate watch the movie?

Because it was rated ARRRRRRRR.

Why are pirates pirates?

Because they ARRRRR.

How do pirates travel on land?

by CARRRRRRR.

What's the pirate's favorite fast food place?

ARRRRRRRBY'S

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch.

The bartender asks, "Do you realize that you have a steering wheel below your belt?"

The pirate responds, "Aye, and it's drivin' me nuts!"

A man walks into a bar and says ouch.

Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

Two penguins walk into a bar, the third one's a duck.

Three baby seals walk into a club.

What do you call a Judge with no thumbs?

Justice Fingers

After many years of research, I believe I have found the absolutely worst joke ever. It crosses boundaries of language. It isn't just not funny, it kills funniness.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?

Cloud.

After the buildup it's funny, but as long as you don't do the build up it's not bad.

Hedgehogs? Why don't they just share the hedge!

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.

I metaphor once. It was hanging around with five and six because seven eight nine.

What's gray and not there?

No elephant.

I like the extended version of OP's joke: Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7? A: Because 7 8 9 10 11. (10 = then)

Why do they call them tree-fellers? Because there's 1, 2, tree of them.

What do you call a lighter that just smoked weed? A HIGHlighter!

What do you call a potato that just smoked weed? A BAKED potato

I once saw a bum begging for money, so I gave him my 2 cents. He told me it was the best advice he has ever gotten.

Why did the schoolteacher who was in love with head of the school take out a loan with the bank?

Because she had an interest in the principal.

Q: What do you all a bunch of barbies waiting in line? A: A Barbie-Q

A man and a wife are at the store. He puts $20 beer in the cart, which his wife quickly removes and says "We can't afford that!" Later, in the makeup aisle, she puts a $40 jar of face cream in the basket. The man asks "What is that for!? You would'nt let me buy $20 of beer" The wife says "This will make me pretty!" The man then says "So will the beer, and it's half the price!" edit: spelling

For her birthday, a wife asks for something that goes from 0-200 in 5 seconds from her husband. He gets her a scale.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall? DAM!

What is big and red and eats rocks? A big, red, rock-eater.

Seen outside a cafe: "Don't laugh at our coffee. You too may be old and weak someday."

What's black and white and green and black and white?

two zebras fighting over a pickle

What's white and minty?

A polo bear.

Two Hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says "I think I've lost an electron" the other says "Are you sure?" the first says "I'm positive!"

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New Stock Market Terms

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET - a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, wife gets no jewellry, and husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION - The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO! - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS - What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR - Last year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT - an archaic word no longer in use.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But-- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above financial scenario, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called your 401-Keg.

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AMISH ELEVATOR

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is'.

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son.....'Go get your mother.'

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25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit what the hell happened?”

BONUS:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass.

-----------------

Three gents were drinking apple martinis in a bar and had gotten to the stage of arguing about details.

“I tell you it’s spelled W-O-O-M,” the first said loudly.

“No no, no,” the second protested. “It’s W-O-O-0-M.’

“You’re both wrong,” the third ventured.

“I say it’s W-O-O-M-B.”

A gynecologst passing spoke up. “You’re getting close,” she told them. “Actually, it’s W-O-M-B.”

They stared at her a moment, then stared at each other. Finally one spoke:

“Madam,” he said, “it’s obvious that you’ve never heard an elephant fart.”

---------

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he perfomed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events at the olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now, he's president of the United States."

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How to start your day with a positive attitude:

1. Create a "new folder" on your computer.

2. Name it "George W. Bush".

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your computer will ask you: "Do you really want to delete "George W. Bush"?

6. Calmly answer, "Yes", and press the mouse button firmly...

______

Who is Jack Schitt ??

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack

Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in

an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the

fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt,

Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious

couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt,

Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb

Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and

Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because

her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a

son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the

other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable

throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a

dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the

Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg,

Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He

recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can

correct them.

Now this is how to do a prank!   Oink!

True Story - Some clever fun loving minor teenage hooligans let three pigs loose in their local high school. They painted on the side of the pigs #1, #2, and #4. The school officials and police rounded up the three pigs in short order, then they spent hours looking for pig #3.

______

following too closely

You know you have a good lawyer when he gets a charge of sodomy reduced to "following too closely"______

in-laws

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws.

______

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen,

I have a joke for you guys and gals:

Mother-in-Law

A man, his wife , and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.

While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000 or you can bury her here in the HOLY LAND for $150". 

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead,  I just can't take that chance."

______

A Full Life 

A boat is docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist is complimenting a Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asks how long it takes him to catch them. 

"Not very long," answered the Mexican. 

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. 

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. 

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" 

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life." 

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you. You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. Then, with the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Also, instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge and successful enterprise." 

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty five years, at the most" replied the American. 

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" 

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"

______

Osama and the genie

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton.

His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

______ ______

Instructions for Life in the new millennium from the Dalai Lama:

 1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

 2. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

 3. Follow the three Rs: Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions.

 4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

 5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

 6. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

 7. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

 8. Spend some time alone every day.

 9. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

 10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

 11. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a
 second time.

 12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

 13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

 14. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

 15. Be gentle with the earth.

 16. Once a year, go some place you've never been before.

 17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need  for     each other.

 18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

 19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

______

by: Carlo Montes

Question: When is the best time to milk a cow?
  Answer: When she is in the mooooood.

______

Joke of the day

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you,  I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze
you,  because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night,  and what happened in my bed still leaves a  tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly  without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my  indifference,
so you applied your hungry mouth to me without  any guilt or humiliation,
and you drove me near crazy while you drained  me.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone,
I searched for you but to no avail, only the  sheets bore witness to last
nights events.

My body still bears faint marks of your  enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.................. you bloody mosquito.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Top joke in USA

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There's a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil's wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

Top joke in Belgium

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Top joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.  "Watson, you idiot!" he says.  "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Top joke in USA

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There's a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil's wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

Top joke in Belgium

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Top joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

 ROMANCE MATHEMATICS From: Raul Fernandez 
 
 
 Smart man + smart woman = romance
 
 Smart man + dumb woman = affair
 
 Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
 
 Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
 
 OFFICE ARITHMETIC
 
 Smart boss + smart employee = profit
 
 Smart boss + dumb employee = production
 
 Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
 
 Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
 
 SHOPPING MATH
 
 A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
 
 A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't  need.
 
 GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
 
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a  husband.
 
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
 HAPPINESS
 
 To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
 and love him a little.
 
 To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not 
 try to  understand her at all.
 
 LONGEVITY
 
 Married men live longer than single men do, but 
 married men are a lot  more  willing to die.
 
 PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
 
 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
 
 DISCUSSION TE! CHNIQUE
 
 A woman has the last word in any argument.
 
 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a  new argument.
 
 HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
 
 Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me  in the 
 ribs and  cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I 
 started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
 
 
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE 
SMART GUYS YOU  KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.

______

We've all known people that were able to "work the system" to their own advantage.

Here's a story that's just plain cute:

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Prison. 

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his
predicament.

Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your
mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
                                                                                Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad,
don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the next
morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug
up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote
another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what
to do next. 

His son's reply was, "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the
best I could do for you at this time."

________________________________________________

From: "Leoncio Guerrero" 
Subject: I'm older than dirt 
Date: Thu, 29 Nov 2001 08:24:43 -0800

  Oh my God, I'm older than dirt...I remember them all (except 4)!!!

How many do you remember???????????????????????????????

The Age Barometer      Count how many you remember...

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water (just bought some at the mall)

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines

8. Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive -6933)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S&H Green Stamps

16. Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with levers

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulbs

20. Beanie and Cecil

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young

If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older

If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age

If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

______

Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001
From: "Jim Thorp" 

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who
was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first
time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of
making any official requests to the tower, he said: 'Guess
who?'

The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
'Guess where!

______

From:  jthorp

How to Bath a Cat

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe
your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet
water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him
towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet
and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid
so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part
of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat
will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually
enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a
'powerwash and rinse' which I have found to be quite
effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure
that there are no people between the toilet and the
outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and
quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and
run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG
______

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER 

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and
fell into it: 

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas, and was asked to fill
in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment,
and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges(Native
Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: 

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ####, what the #### is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took
me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. 

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. 
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers
when they saw the look on my face. 

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.Needs more beans. 
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. 
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest.I'm getting ####-faced. 

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic 
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Dissappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili. 
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. 

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover 
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement. 
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming.Screw those rednecks! 

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety 
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. 
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that #### Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! 

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably. 
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like #### to match my damn shirt. At least
during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence. 
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it
was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank. 

______


A father's 10 rules for dating a daughter submitted by Leo Guerrero


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

______

BELIEVE IT OR NOT

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Starfish haven't got brains.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

The Republican National Committee is changing it's emblem

The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is
changing it's emblem from an elephant to a condom. The committee chairman explained
that "the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed."

______
A Mexican Genie...

A Mexican lady was walking along the bank of the Rio Grande when she
stumbled upon un old empty cerveza bottle. She picked it up and rubbed
it, and a la ve, a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile then the
Genie told her he would grant her ONE weesh.

She said to the Genie.  "I heard from mi prima that I coo get three
weeshes if I ever found a Genie. The Genie said, "Oh no, sorry, esa.
Three-weesh genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a ONE-WEESH Genie, Uno, no mas! So... que quiere?

The lady didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with eash other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americanos. It will bring world peace and harmony." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Orale! BE REASONABLE! These countries have been at war for thousands of years.

I'm out of shape after being in that bottle for five hundred years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it can be done. "PLEASE make another weesh and please be reasonable."

The lady thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never bean able to
fine the right man. I want a Mexicano boyfriend... You know, one that's
DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, nice y fun, likes to Cumbia and helps with cleaning la casa. I want him to be great in bed and gets along con mi familia, and is FAITHFUL and doesn't throw chingasos at me. That's what I weesh for... a good Mexicano man.

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his cavesa and said, "Chingada
vieja! Let me see that freakin' map again."
______

NEVER SAY TO A COP

 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
 5. Are You Andy or Barney?
 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a  police officer.
 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
 8. I pay your salary!
 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,  too!
 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other  cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been  drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look  glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

TWO STRANGERS IN PLANE

Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when  the first guy turned to the second and said, "Let's talk.  I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your  fellow passenger."

The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly,  took off his glasses and said to the first guy, "What would you like  to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the first guy.  "How about nuclear power?"


"OK," said the second guy.  "That could be an interesting topic. But  let me ask you a question first.

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.  The same stuff.  Yet a deer  excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.  Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the first guy.  "I have no idea."

"Well then," said the second guy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
______

BRA SIZES?

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!

A} - Almost Boobs...

B} - Barely there.

C} - Can't Complain!

D} - Damn!

DD} - Double damn!

E} - Enormous!

F} - Fake.

______

FEMALE GOLFER 

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to retrieve it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, and women will flock to him."

The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, poof! - she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. Again the frog warned, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine."

So, poof! - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like to have a 'MILD HEART ATTACK'".

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them

______

From: NyZLiLhOmE@aol.com
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 15:22:25 EDT
Subject: Mets vrs. Yanks
To: maria@jokebook.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A school teacher in NY who is a big Mets fan has gone over board. He asked
his students to tell him who was their favorite team in NY . The Yanks or The
Mets? All but one ,out of fear ,said they were Mets fans. That one boy was
asked by the teacher '' How did you end up a Yankee fan?" The kid replied ''
Because my mom and dad are Yankee fans." The teacher responds by saying to
the little boy ''that shouldn't matter, what if your mom and dad were moron's
,what would that make you''? The kid responded
''A METS FAN''

______

From: Cutie4ever838@aol.com
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 21:35:53 EDT
Subject: joke
To: maria@jokebook.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a fat man, Rupaul, and Bill Gates all died in a car accident. when they
reached heaven, God said, "You each could go back home but only if u give up
something u love." Bill Gates gave up money, the fat man gave up food, and
Rupaul gave up men. When they were all on earth again, they were walking down
a street. the fat man said "i smell pizza, i can't stand the urge" so he ate
the pizza. and poof! he disapperaed. when Rupaul, and Bill Gates were walking
down the street, bill found $50. when he bent down to pick it up, Poof !
rupaul diasppeared

From: NyZLiLhOmE@aol.com
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 15:19:32 EDT
Subject: Blonde jokes
To: maria@jokebook.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Biography of a Blonde

When God passed out looks,
I thought He said books, and I didn't want any.
When God passed out ears,
I thought He said beers, and I asked for two long ones.
When God passed out legs,
I thought He said kegs, and I asked for two fat ones.
When God passed out noses,
I thought He said roses, and I asked for a big red one.
When God passed out heads,
I thought He said beds, and I asked for a big soft one.
When God passed out brains,
I thought he said trains, and I missed mine.

From: NyZLiLhOmE@aol.com
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 15:21:02 EDT
Subject: Black and White joke
To: maria@jokebook.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Black and White

A black man talks to a white man:
When I was born I was black,
When I grew up I was black,
When I'm sick I'm black,
When I go in the sun I'm black,
When I'm cold I'm black,
When I die I'll be black.
But you:
When you're born you're pink,
When you grow up you're white,
When you're sick, you're green,
When you go in the sun you turn red,
When you're cold you turn blue,
and when you die you turn purple.
And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!

From: "becky" <39blackwidow@pennswoods.net
To: <maria@jokebook.com
Date: Sat, 14 Jul 2001 15:22:16 -0400
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what happened when a brunett told a blonde to kiss her ass ? she bent down and did it!!!!!!!

Q.did you ever here of the man whos left side got cut of?

A.he's all right now

______

This joke is about the tomatoe,the hamburger,and the dick.
the tomatoe said to the hamburger you got it maid they slice me up and put me on bread.then the hamburger said to the tomatoe.you got it maid they slice me up and put me on buns.then the dick said to the tomatoe and the hamburger.both of ya'll got it maid they put a plastic bag over my head and make me do pushup's till I throwup

______

In Chigaco Illions a woman's husband worked until late at night. She wanted to get a watch dog so she went to the pet shop. At the pet shop she asked the clerk for a recomended watch dog."I know just what you need", said the clerck "I will be right back" The clerk returned holding a dinky yippy dog. "But that's not a watch dog" protested the woman. "It is as good as any. If not better. It knows Karate". "Yeah right" replies the woman."Then let me demonstrate" says the clerk."Karate the sign!" The next thing you saw was a sale sign in tiny shreads."Karate the chair" bellowed the clerk. Wooden splinters went flying through the air and the woman was convinced. "All right I will take it" She returns home to show her husdand her new watch dog. "That's no watch dog" says the husband."Yes it is. It know Karate"
"Karate my ass!"

______

Question: Why did the Football Coach go to the bank?

Answer: Because he had to get his Quarterback

______

A parrot and magician were on a cruise ship. During the magician's acts, the parrot would continue to swear. One day, the boat blew up, and my coincedence, the magician and parrot landed on the same peice of debris to float on. The parrot kept swearing, and the magician would continually respond with, "SHUT UP". Finally the parrot asks, "hows you hole, hows you hole". The magician, again, responds with, "shut up". The parrot seems surprised at this and says, "mine too!!! Must be the salt water."

______

A blone,a red head,and a black hair girl are stuck 20 miles from shore. The red head swims 15 miles gets tired and drowns. The black hair girl swims 18 miles then drowns. The blonde swims 18 miles gets tired and swims all the way back

______

02/03/01

Why do hunters make the best lovers?

Because the go deep into the bush, they shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.

______

Conan the Barbarian

02/02/01

A deaf women and a deaf man get married. On the wedding night the women gets into bed, the man shuts of the lights and jumps into bed.

The women jumps out of bed, turns on the light and signs to the man " what if you want to have sex with me?"

The man signs back "I'll squeeze you boob once."

"But what if you don't want to have sex with me?" she signs back

To which he replies "well I'll just squeeze your breast twice."

"Ok" she signs back. Then she turns off the lights and jumps back into bed. A minute later she jumps out of bed turns on the light and sings to her husband "what if I want to have sex with you?"

"Well then just reach down and squeeze my penis once” he signs back

"Ok, but what if I don't want to have sex with you?" she signs

He replies, "Well then just reach down and squeeze my penis 100 times."

______

adam
squatingdog14
11/19/00

A school class went on a feild trip to a life savers factory they were guessing the colors when they got to yellow they were stumped. The teacher said I'll give you a hint it might be something your mom calls your dad. Then a girl said I know ASS HOLE and the techer said not that honey

______

what does a priest and a xmas tree have in common?

Both their balls are just fo decoration

______

Marlena ChattyChik34@yahoo.com

01/24/01

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
She always ran away from the ball.

______

Three gents were drinking apple martinis in a bar and had gotten to the stage of arguing about details.

“I tell you it’s spelled W-O-O-M,” the first said loudly.

“No no, no,” the second protested. “It’s W-O-O-0-M.’

“You’re both wrong,” the third ventured.

“I say it’s W-O-O-M-B.”

A gynecologst passing spoke up. “You’re getting close,” she told them. “Actually, it’s W-O-M-B.”

They stared at her a moment, then stared at each other. Finally one spoke:

“Madam,” he said, “it’s obvious that you’ve never heard an elephant fart.”

______

There was a young man from Glenglozle
Who found a remarkable fossil
He deduced from the bend
And the wart on the end
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle

______

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he perfomed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events at the olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now, he's president of the United States."

______

Dear President Bush:

The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to: "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With any forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."

Any religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment to codify marriage on biblical principles:

A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)

B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines, in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)

D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh10:30)

E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe. (Gen.38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)

______

How to start your day with a positive attitude:

1. Create a "new folder" on your computer.
2. Name it "George W. Bush".
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your computer will ask you: "Do you really want to delete "George W. Bush"?
6. Calmly answer, "Yes", and press the mouse button firmly...

______

O the freshmen get no tail up at Yale
Yes the freshmen get no tail up at Yale
You should hear them howl and wail
‘Cause they never get no tail up at Yale

There ain’t no fornication up at Yale
There ain’t no fornication
They are sunk in masturbation
It’s the arse-hole of creation up at Yale

______

BENEFITS OF FAITH-BASED ORGANIZATIONS
Childless couple told to try sex

A German couple who went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage have found out why they are still childless - they weren't having sex.

The University Clinic of Lubek said they had never heard of a case like it after examining the couple who went to see them last month for fertility tests.

Doctors subjected them to a series of examinations and found they were both apparently fertile, and should have had no trouble conceiving.

A clinic spokesman said: "When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: "What do you mean?".

"We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate."

______

PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - A federal prisoner was sentenced to an extra 18 months in jail on Friday for threatening to kill former first lady and New York Democratic Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, prosecutors said.

He told a psychologist he made the threat because his life was dull and he wanted some notoriety, they said.

Edward Falvey, 51, admitted to a charge of threatening to kill or inflict bodily harm on Clinton in an effort to gain "15 minutes of fame." He is currently serving a 30-month sentence in a Fairton, New Jersey, prison for bank robbery.

In a letter he wrote last April to a psychologist at the prison, Falvey said he wanted to shoot a famous person so he could acquire a bad reputation.

"I want notoriety in my life. My life is dull and boring. I need to spice it up," he wrote, according to a statement from U.S. Attorney Christopher Christie in Camden, New Jersey.

______

  From: hondalover11279 
 To: Aaron Leitch
 
  Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza
  Hut. May I have your national ID
  number?
 
 
  Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an
  order.
 
 
  Operator: I must have your NIDN first,
 sir.
 
 
  Customer: My National ID Number, yeah,
  hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.
 
  
  Operator: Thank you Mr. Smith. I see you
 live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the
  phone number is 494-2366. Your office
  number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-
  2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.
  Email address is smith@home.net Which
  number are you calling from?
 
 
  Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you
 get all this information?
 
 
  Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
 
 
  Customer: The HSS, what is that?
 
 
  Operator: We're wired into the Homeland
  Security System, sir. This will add only
 15 seconds to your ordering time.
 
 
  Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to
  order a couple of your All Meat
  Special pizzas.
 
 
  Operator: I don't think that's a good
  idea, sir.
 
  
  Customer: Whaddya mean?
 
 
  Operator: Sir, your medical records and
  commode sensors indicate that you've got
  very high blood pressure and extremely
  high cholesterol. Your National Health
  Care provider won't allow such an
  unhealthy choice .
 
 
  Customer: What?!?! What do you
  recommend, then?
 
 
  Operator: You might try our low-fat
  Soybean Pizza.I'm sure you'll like
 it.
 
 
  Customer: What makes you think I'd like
  something like that?
 
 
  Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet
  Soybean Recipes' from your local library
 last week, sir. That's why I made the
  suggestion.
 
 
  Customer: All right, all right. Give me
 two family-sized ones, then
 
 
  Operator: That should be plenty for you,
  your wife and your four kids.
  Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir.
  Your total is $49.99.
 
 
  Customer: Lemme give you my credit card
  number.
 
 
  Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid
   you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit
  card balance is over its limit.
 
 
  Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and
 get some cash before your driver gets
  here.
 
 
  Operator: That won't work either, sir.
  Your checking account is overdrawn also.
 
 
  Customer: Never mind! Just send the
  pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
  long will it take?
 
 
  Operator: We're running a little behind,
 sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If
  you're in a hurry you might want to
  pick'em up while you're out getting the
  cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a
  motorcycle can be a little awkward.
 
 
  Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a
  scooter?
 
 
  Operator: It says here you're in arrears
 on your car payments, so your
 car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid
 for and you just filled the tank
  yesterday.
 
 
  Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
 
 
  Operator: I'd advise watching your
  language, sir. You've already got a  
 July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out
 a cop and another one I see here in
  September for contempt at your hearing
 for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see
  here that you just got out from a 90 day
  stay in the State Correctional Facility.
 Is this your first pizza since your
  return to society?
 
 
  Customer: (speechless)
 
 
  Operator: Will there be anything else,
 sir?
 
 
  Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a
 free 2 liter of Coke.
 
 
  Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's
  exclusionary clause prevents us from
  offering free soda to diabetics. The New
  Constitution our country started using 
 in 2006 prohibits this.
  Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!
 

______

THE CLASS OF 2008

    Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will
    certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in
Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense
    of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

 Here is this year's list:

    The people who are starting college this fall across the nation
 were born in 1985/1986.

    They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and
 probably did not know he had ever been shot.

    They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
 There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
    They were 7 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember
    the Cold War..

    They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up (the
 first time).

Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.

    Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
 Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

    The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to
    them. They have never owned a record player.

    They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of
 Pong.

    They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was
    introduced when they were 1 year old.

    They have always had an answering machine.

    Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have
 they seen a black and white TV.

    They have always had cable.
    There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

    They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

    They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the
    "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

    Feeling old Yet? There's more:

    They were born the year that Walkman was introduced by Sony.

    Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
 Michael Jackson has always been white.

    Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

    They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

    Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

    They have never seen Larry Bird play.
    They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

    The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II
 and the Civil War.

    They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

    They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

    They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct
    answer, by the way, is Ork)

    They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
    Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"

    They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are
       places, not bands.

    There has always been MTV.

    They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

    Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to other
    old fogies...but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough.

______

How old is Grandma?

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end -- I think you'll be
surprised.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current
events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings
at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute.  In the year of my
birth--before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox,
contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill--there was no radar, credit
cards,laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes
dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air, and man
hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first - and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man
older than me, 'Sir' - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen
and every man with a title, "Sir.'

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare
centers,and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments,
good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference
between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our
actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having
a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft
dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze
started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends - not purchasing condominiums.

FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys
wearing earrings were unknown. The Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's
speeches were listened to on radios. And I'm sure no kid ever blew his
brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

Anything with 'Made in Japan' on it was junk. The term 'making out'
referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut,
McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.  We had 5 & 10-cent
stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were
all a nickel. Or, that nickel could be spent on enough stamps to mail 1
letter and 2 postcards.

Dads could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too
bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

Back then, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was
something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of
wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't
even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed
a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and
say there is a generation gap ..... and how old do you think I am ???

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the
same time.  Stop the world, I want to get off!!!!

This woman would be only 59 years old!

______

Date: Sun, 15 Apr 2001 21:33:25 -0700

From: Leoncio Guerrero <lfg6745@earthlink.net>
To: marialena@marialena.com
Subject: for jokebook
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd
numbered lines.

______

suhail@hotmail.com.com
Q:  Why does the third month always get tired
A:  Because it is always marching!

Q: What did the mayonnaise say when the boy opened the refrigerator door?    
A: I'm dressing!!!!

Jessica
when you were little you were so ugly that your momma had to feed you with a sling shot

cumball15@hotmail.com
Egocentric A person who believes he is everything you know you are


coolanosh@usa.net
11/28/00

once there 3 people went to god. they were bill clinton nava sarif and vajpaee. they went to god. 1st bill clinton asked god " when will corruption go from my country " god replied " about 30 40 yrs. " bill started cryin' on asked he answered that he would not live so long. 2nd nava sarif asked " when will curruption go from my country " god replied " about some 50 60 yrs. " nava started to cry. on asked he to replied that he would not live that long. now vajpaee asked the same question. then suddenly god started to cry.on bieng asked by vajpaee god replied that he himself would not live so long.

It's not how deep you fish... It's how you wiggle the worm.

What do you do when a blond throws a pin at you? 
 Run like hell because she still has the grenade.

updaters@eawrestling.com

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A COCONUT AND a DEERNUT?
ANSWER:You can get a coconut at the Super Market for under 2 dollars but you can get a DEERNUT for under a BUCK??

Knok knok whos there justin justin who?
Justin time for dinner

what do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?    sparky. 

    A man walks into a pub. in the corner of the pub there was a donkey. It was the most miserable animal that he had ever seen. Next to the donkey there was a bucket full of money. They man walks up to the barman and says "Barman, why is there a bucket of meny next to that donkey?" The barman replies "Well, this donkey is so miserable, that we r telling people to put money into the bucket, then try and cheer the donkey up, if they succeed, they get to keep the money. So far, no one has succeeded." "Well," said the man "Let me have a go." So he walked up to the donkey, put some money in the bucket, and whispered something into the donkeys ear. Suddenly, the donkey started laughing. So, the man picked up the bucket of money and walked out. 
    About two weeks later, the man returned to the pub. The donkey was there, still laughing, with another bucket of money beside it. The man walked up to the bar and said "Barman, why is there another bucket of money beside that donkey?" and the barman replied "Well, since you were last here he hasn't stopped laughing, so we are taking the same approach as before to calming him down. Whoever calms him down keeps the money." "Well," said the man. "Let me have a go" so he walked up to the donkey, put some money in the bucket and stood in front of it, so no one could see what he was doing. Suddenly, the donkey started crying his eyes out. So, once again, the man picked up the bucket of money and went to the bar to buy a drink. "That's amazing!" shouted the barman. "How did you do it? First you managed to make him laugh, then you managed to make him cry. how did you do it?" "Well" Began the man. "Last time when I was in, I bet the donkey that I had a bigger cock than him, he laughed. This time I showed him!!"

why did the pervert cross the road? he was stuck to the chicken. 

Q:Did you hear the one about the broken pencil? 
A: Ahh, nevermind it was pointless! 

There were two muffins in the oven; the first muffin turns to the other and says "whoo!It's hot in here!"
the second muffin screams "AHHH!! A talking muffin!!"

DAVID MHTEENSPIRIT@AOL.COM 11/10/00
HOW DO YOU MAKE HOLY WATER?  GET REGULER WATER AND BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT

Q:How do you clean a tuba? 
A:With a Tuba Toothpaste 

Confucious Says: 
Virginity like Balloon,one prick all gone.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who falls asleep with itchy butt wakes up with smelly fingers

mike
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" he asked. The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her." "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help," the
man said. Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon, he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy." A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?" "Sir, I'm with the police department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently. "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago," the officer said.One day a duck walks into a feed shop. He asks the manager if he had any corn. The manager said, "we don't sell to ducks." The next day the duck walks back in. He asks the same question. He gets the same answer. The manger says, "if you come in again tomorrow i'm gonna nail your beak to the floor." The next day the duck walks in and asks do you have any nails. "No", the manager answers. Do you have any corn the duck asks.

Corey Newell vikings18@hotmail.com 11/08/00
why can't blonde's make colade? Becouse they can't fit 2 quorts of water in the pakets.

Kathy barbiegurl107@goplay.com 11/08/00
there was once a bus driver who every day picked up exactly 25 white students and 25 black ones. Every day the students would argue about weather the white students or weather the black ones should have to sit in the back of the bus. Finally one day the us driver got really fead up and he pulls the bus over. He tells all the students to get off the bus and stand outside where every body could hear him. "From now on", the bus driver says, "there is no more black and white. You are all green". All the students think that is a good idea and readly agree with the bus driver. So the bus driver says, "ok then every body on the bus, and all you dark green kids move to the back".

Jace
Why is a river so rich? because it has two banks on each side
what has 4 wheels an flys? a garbage truck
Kmock knock? whos there? boo who? don't cry its just a joke.

Rosarito Jahn  r2rjahn@earthlink.net
a blond wanted to prove to her husband that not all blonds are dumb, and cant do anything on their own. so the next day when her husband went to work, she decide to paint the living room. when her husband came home, he noticed she was wearing a fur coat and another jacket over, he asked her and she replied that the paint can said "for best result apply two coats"

Derek Erwin slick_clyde2000@hotmail.com 11/07/00
How do you kill a dumb blond? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. How do you save a dumb blond? Take your foot off her head. What does a dumb blond and a shotgun have in commom? Give them a cock and they explode. What do you do if a dumb blond throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. What do you call a group of black people sitting in a shed? Antique farm equipment. What do you call a group of black people falling from the sky? Night. What do you call it when they hit the ground? Pavement.

One day a man went into a bar, and started drinking. There was a jar with 100,000,000 dollars in it. The man askes, "Whats the jar for?" The bartender replys "You get the money if you do these special tasks." The man says "Well, what are the tasks?" The bartender says "First, you gotta go over to that biker over there and kill him. Second, you have to go downstairs and pull a loose tooth out of a rabid rottweiler. Third, you see that hot chick over there? You have to do it with her. You got the rules?" The man replys "Nah, I don't think I'll do it." Later on after the guy has had a few beers, he goes back to the bartender and says "Well I guess I could use the money. I'll give it a shot." So the man goes over to the biker and throws him on the ground and kicks him in the face. Then he goes down to the basement, but he doesn't come up for a while. All of a sudden, he hears a bunch of scraping and yelping on the basement floor. The bartender goes "Well, he's done for." Then the man comes out from the basement and says to the bartender, his hair all messed up, "So now wheres the chick with the loose tooth?"

Andy Miller 
the_rottencheese_crew@hotmail.com 
whats a blondes version of safe sex? 
locking the car door 

Candace Luther 
candy_o_3000@yahoo.com 
Q: Why did the Vampire run out of the restaraunt? 
A: Because someone ordered a stake. 

BIG D 
Big_D_ny@hotmail.com 
Q. Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? 
A. Because he only comes once a year!!! 

Mr. Parton 
www.iamplayinggolf@bigpond.com 
Q: What's an Irishman's latest invention? 
A: A glass door with a peep-hole! 

sharod silas
your mama head head is so bald it slip of the pillow at night 

Marc Mueller mightymouse_mv@hotmail.com 11/03/00
A little kid and his father were playing football at a park. The little kid saw two dogs making love. So the little kid asked his father, "Daddy, what are those dogs doing over there?" The dad replied, "There just play fighting." Then they left. At home at the supper table the boy asks,"Daddy, why were those dogs fighting like that?" The dad replied, " Well son, actually they were trying to make a little puppy." Later that night the kid walked in on his parents having sex, "Daddy," he yelled, "What are you doing to mommy?" "well son we're trying to make a little brother or sister for you." The child then answered, "Daddy turn mommy over, i'd rather have a little dog instead."

Lia
GoogleBerry747@aol.com 
why do bald guys cut holes in their pockets? 
to run their fingers through their hair! 

What did the math book say to the other math book? BOY DO I HAVE PROBLEMS 

why don't lobsters share their toys? because their shellfish 

There was an organization that took a guy from Texas, a guy from Africa, Adn a guy from Japan and put them on a secluded island. They put the Texan in charge of the shelter, the African in charge of the food, and the Japanese guy in charge of supplies. A year later, the organization came back to check up on the three men. The Texan had a nice house built and the African had a nice garden with a lot of different crops. For some reason, they couldn't find the Japanese guy. "We haven't seen him since we've been here," said the other two men. They went to the backyard. The Japanese guy jumped out of a tree and yelled,"SUPPLIES!!!!"

maddog
how fare can a dog run into the woods? hafe way.

Mother and young child are walking down the street. They come to an alley and see two dogs fucking.
Child: Mama! look at those dogs.
Mother (thinking fast): The dog on the top ran into the street and was hit by a car. His legs are broken. The dog on the bottom is helping him to get to the doggie hospital because he can't walk.
Child: Oh!
Mother: Now what do you learn from that?
Child: Uhh...
Mother: Never...
Child: Never try to help anybody out because they will just stick it right in your ass.

    Mickey and Minnie were going thru a bitter long drawn out divorce court battle both attorneys were accusing each side of terrible treatment and the battle lasted for days.    Finally the judge says "OK I've heard enough, I'm going to take a 1 hour break and I'll come back with my decision"
    One hour passes with both sides squirming in their seats. Finally the judge emerges from his chambers sits down and looks across the court room and down at Mickey and says, "Well Mr. Mouse, I've heard your arguments but I'm afraid this court has found you have been unable to prove that your wife is crazy"
    Mickey looks up at the judge perplexed and says, "Crazy? I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was fucking goofy".

    An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
    The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with 'How much is two plus two?' The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, 'Four.'
    The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced 'Four.'
    The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked 'How much do you want it to be?'

Why do blondes hate making Kool-aid?
They can't fit the 8 cups of water in the envelope!

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

iluvchelsie4eva@aol.com
Why didnt the skeleton cross the road? A.He didnt have the guts to.

what does a blonde do if you tell her "hey, look a dead bird"????? she looks up and says " where "

What did the blonde do to the orenge juice?? she concentrated!!!!!

yomomma so ugly that she went to church a god told her church is not for everybody.

How can you tell if a Polack is at an airport? He's throwing bread at the airplanes!

What do you do when you see 15 lions, 14 tigers, and 20 elephants? Wait for the Merry-Go-Round to stop and
run away.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?...Shine a flashlight in their ear.

why do blonde's have T.G.I.F written on the front of there shirt? TITS GO IN FRONT

Courtney
adisabilitie5187@aol.com
whats smaller than a chiger? a chigers thingie majiger

Scott Rauwerda
sisque@hotmail.com
why do golfers wear two pears of pants? IN CASE THEY GET A HOLE IN ONE!!!!

Why did the blonde climb over the glass fence? To see what was on the other side.

your mama so ugly that the peeping tom reach in the window and pulled the shad down

WHAT KIND OF BEES GIVE MILK? BOOBIES!!!!

What do you see when the Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts

a blond a brunette and a readhead are running away from the police and they
run into a barn. the redhead hides behing a horse and the cops say, " maybe
their is someone behind the horse". the redhead says naaaaaaaaaaay and the
cops say, " nope its just a horse". the brunette hides behind a cow and the
police say, " maybe there is someone behind the cow", the brunette goes
mooooooooooo and the cops say " no its just a cow. the blond hides behind a
sack of potatoes and the police say
"maybe there is someone behind the sack of potatoes", and the blond says
potatoes!

what do a blond and a bowling ball have in common
they both get fingered thrown in the gutter and come back for more!

Q: How can you tell if you have thick glasses?
A: If you look at a map and see people waving!

Q: How can you tell if your mom is fat?
A: If she fills up the bath tub and then turns on the water!

(q)where do books sleep? (a) under their covers.

nicole
ghettegirl181248
(q)why did the boy stick a hose in his friends ear?
(a)because he wanted to brainwash him.

A man walks into a retaurant and orders the soup of the day. A little later on the waiter brings him a hot
bowl of soup and sets it down in front of him. The man looks at the soup and then asks the waiter, "What
kind of soup is this?" The waiter answers, "It's bean soup, sir." The man says, "I don't care what it's
been, what is it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Erin Dailey
Why did the blonde carry a mirror every where she went?
Because she heard a rumor that her boyfriend was seeing another girl behind her back.

kendall hinton
indiannanicole2000@hotmail.com
10/23/00
There was this little girl named Annie that sat infront of a little boy named Johnny in Sunday school. Annie alway slept during the Sunday school lesson. One Sunday the teacher asked " Who created the earth?" and she called on Annie to answer. Annie was sleeping so Johnny stabbed her with a pencil. Annie woke up and said "Jesus Christ" The teacher said very good Annie. A few minutes later Annie was sleeping again and the teacher asked "Who was Jesus' father?" Johnny stabbed Annie again and she yelled out "God Allmighty" the teacher said very good Annie. About five minutes later the teacher asked Annie,"what was the first words Eve said to Adam" Johnny stabbed her once more and Annie jumped up and shouted "If you stick that thing in me one more time in gonna break it in half." The teacher fainted.

10/20/00
Once there was a sick woman that was about to die so she called her lawer and her preecher and she said "will you both stand on each side of my bed and hold my hand and the two men said why and the woman said because I want to die like jesus did with two thieves on each side.


10/18/00
a couple of fishing buddies from Alabama decided yo travel to minnesota one winter to try ic fishing.Just before they reached the frozen lake, they stopped at a bait shop to buy some supplies. "don't forget an ice pick," one of them said. They paid for thier purchases and were off. two hours later they came back. "we need another dozen ice picks,"they said. they bought a whole box full and left. But in an hourthey were back. the bait man asked "how you fellow's doing?" "not to well the fishermen replied. "we don't even got the boat in the water yet."


10/18/00
How did the dum blonde brake her arm raking leafs?
She fell out the tree.

clay
Gaclay788@aol.com
There were 3 men stuck on a tropical island with a canibal. The canibal caught all three of them and said to them,"Go into the forest and bring back 10 of the same fruit. When you get back i will tell you what to do next. The first guy came back with 10 apples and then the canibal said, "Now shove all 10 up your butt without laughin and i will let u live. He gets to three and starts laughing.So the canibal eats him and he goes to hevan. The second guy comes back with bluberrys the canibal says the same the canibal tells him the same thing. He got to 9 and burst out laughing.So the canibal eats him and he goes to hevan. Well the first guy meets the second guy in hevan and says,"What happin u were so close" the second guy says " I saw the third guy comin up with pineapples"


There once was a guy named Arty, and he worked at a grocery store. One day, two guys came along and stole his wallet and ran off with it, fortunatly, it only had $1 in it. Arty noticed the theft and ran after them, caught them, and choked them to death. the newspaper made a typying error on the story saying Artichokes 2 for  $1.

cheers4fun@yahoo.com 
Q. what did one physics teacher say to the other physics teacher? 
A. Whats the matter? 

Tony E.
cybertigerdesire@Hotmail.com
How do keep a blonde busy all day? You put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner

Mackenzie
A blond a burnett and a red head all swam the English Channel. The burnett did it in 5 hours the read
head in 7. The blond showed up three days later. When they asked her what took her so long she replied,
"Well the other girls cheated! They used their arms and legs while doing the breast stroke!"

Ben
Bashingben@aol.com
theres a blonde a brunet and a red head, they are all running from the cops when they run into a factory
and hide in three empty sacks the cops run in and one kicks the brunet, she brks like a dog then the cop
says oh its only a dog then kicks the red head she meows like a cat the cop says oh its only a cat then
kicks the blonde she goes patatoe patatoe

tou
vicate@netvigator
The boxer said have i damage my opponent yet? No,but keep swinging it might give him a draft! 

nico vicate@netvigator
Once there was a snail that crashed with a turtle. In the hospital the doctor said what happened.He said "you see it happened so fast i couldn't remember.

storyteller vicate@netvigator
Once there was a man named Forget. He wanted to by a horse.He asked the shop owner,that he wanted to have a horse. There was only one left.The shop owner said i have one more but it only obeys 2 commands.If you want it to go fast as the wind say thank goodness. If you want it to stopsay TomCruise.He was riding as fast the wind he was going to fall on cliff but he could'nt remember how to stop! He said Billclinton,santaclause,helenhunt. Finally he remembered it was tomcruise he stopped at the nick of time. Then he said THANK GOODNESS!

there was a blond who wanted to buy a T.V. so she went to the t.v. store and said hi want to buy a
t.v. "sorry we don't serve blonds" she came back once again the next day and said "Hi I would like to buy a
t.v." the clerk once again said "sorry we don't serve blonds" well the blond went back several more times,
asked the same question and got the same answer as she did all the other times,"sorry we don't serve blonds" so the next day she put on a burnette wig and went to the store and said "i would like to buy a t.v." and the clerk said
"sorry we don't serve blonds" the blond answered "How the heck do you know Im a blond?" the clerk smiled and said" well mam because those aren't t.v.s those are microwaves"

grandpa&grandma
grandpa was sick so they went to the doctor. the doctor said grandpa your heart is geting weak.
there can be no more climbing stairs or hanky panky. grandpa & grandma went home.
that night grandpa went to bed down stairs. while grandma went to bed up stairs.
about 11 oclock that night they meet on the stairs. grandma said were are you going.
grandpa said up stairs to die. were are you going. grandma said down stairs to kill you.
they lived happy the rest of there lives

what do you call a smart blonde?A golden retriever 

santacruz100@hotmail.com 
Why don"t chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their face!! 

What is tougher than a pitbull with aids? The sick bastard who gave it to him!!! 

Ryan F. Brian 
bry0373@aol.com 
what three words women never want to hear while having sex? "HONEY I'M HOME" 

Three Newfies are hitch-hiking down a road, when a drver in an uncovered pick-up truck stops and asks where their
going, and they say Toronto. He gives them a ride, but they have to ride in the back. Half way there, the truck
crashes into Lake Ontario. The driver quickly climbs out and surfaces, and looks around for the Newfies but he can't
find them. One minute passes, no Newfies. Two minutes pass, no Newfies. Three minutes pass, no Newfies. Finally, five
minutes later, the Newfies suface. "What took so long! I thought you drowed!" The driver exclamed. "Sorry," one said.
"We had trouble opening the tailgait. 

Ryan F. 
A blond is putting a puzzle together, when her boy friend comes to the door. She tells him shes having trouble putting her puzzle together. He asks what the picture is, and she tells him a rooster. He walks into the room and says, "For gods sake! put the Corn Flakes away!" 

There was this little boy sitting on the side of the road. He'd eat a M&M, bite a cat on the ass, move on down the curb. Eat a M&M, bite a cat on the ass, move on down the curb. This man came along, said, " Boy what are you doing?" Boy said " Playing truck driver." "Playing truck driver???" Boy said yeah..... "Poppin' pills, eatin pussy, and mvin' on down the road."

Kaitlyn
Kait2005@aol.com 
Why do graveyards have fences around them?... To keep the dead people in..

Becky 
Three men die in a car crash and to get a good car in heaven they each have to answer a question, so st.peter says to the first man 'how many years were you with your wife and did you ever cheat on her?' the 1st man replies 'I was with my wife for 12 years and I cheated on her 9 times,' 'right,you get a mini,'says st.peter'who's next?' so the 2nd man steps forward and st.Peter asks the same question, 'I was with my wife 20 years and I cheated on her 6 times' 'right said st.peter you get a rover, and now for you' 'I was with my wife 30 years and I didn't cheat on her once!' 'Thats what we like to hear, you get a jaguar,' so the 2 men with the mini and the rover are driving around when they see a the man with the Jaguar crying so they ask him whats wrong and he replies 'I just saw my wife driving around on a skateboard!'

A man died and went to Heaven and along the road to the white pearly gates he saw a shack to the side of the road and went inside an angel was sitting at a desk and was doing some paper work . and the walls were covered with clocks . so the man said what are all the clocks for.the Angel looked up and said the hand on each clock moves each time someone tells a lie. she said for example this is mona lias clock it has moved only 2 time ,so she has told only 2 lies. then she said this is bradd pits clock it has not moved at all. then the man said where is Bill clitions clock? the angel said it is in Gods office he uses it as a fan.

Q. What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? A. findinf half of a worm 

Two blondes were standing on a corner the first said "look at that dog with one eye the other covered her eye.
what do you call 4 dumb blondes at a 4 way stop? ETERNITY 

Brandy 
Brandy_pooh2000@yahoo.com 
an Englishman,an Irishman, and a Scotsman were hiding from bandits up in trees. The chief bandit called up one tree "anyone up there?" "cheep cheep" like a bird. then the next tree he called again "anyone up there?" "Eeek! eeek!" like a monkey. Then he called to the next one "anyone up there?" Moo-oo

Becky 
Three Nuns die in a car crash and when they arive at heavens gates st.Peter said 'if you want to get into heaven you each have to answer a question' the nuns replied 'OK' so he askes the first nun 'who was the first women?' the first nun replies 'Eve' 'right your in, next, where did Eve live?' 'The garden of Eden' 'correct your in,next,now because your the mother superier you get a harder question' 'that seams fair'says the nun 'OK what did Eve say to Adam the first time she saw him?' 'Ooh thats a hard one...' 'right your in'

mb_026@hotmail.com 
09/26/00 
Santa Claus, The tooth fairy, a dumb blond, and a smart blonde are walking down the street and they spot a twenty dollar bill. Who picks it up? 
Answer- the dumb blond because, their is no such thing as Santa, the tooth fairy 
and a smart blond!!! 

Jake 
methodboy888 
09/26/00
she was so blonde she thought a quarterback was a refund! she was so blonde she sat on the tv and watched the couch! 

ben bopes
bennymac57@hotmail.com 
09/25/00
why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton? she had a blonde boyfriend 

Jack Butler
09/25/00
A hunter is out in the woods, creeping along through the undergrowth. All of a sudden, he notices a hairy lump sticking in the air behind a bush. So, he takes aim with his rifle, takes a breath and fires. BANG! The lump explodes in a shower of feathers and fur. The hunter feels a tap on his shoulder. There's a big grizzly behind him. "You thought that was me, didn't ya," growls the bear. "By rights, I should rip you limb from limb. But," the bear continues, "I won't on the condition that you let me take you behind that bush and have sex with you." The hunter, desperate for his life, agrees.
Next day he returns to the woods, this time carrying a heavy bore shotgun, as well as his rifle and a serious need for revenge. He creeps along and notices a hairy lump sticking in the air behind a bush. He takes his shotgun and pumps a couple of shots into the lump, then takes his rifle and fires a few shots. BANGBANGBANGBANG!!!
Feather and furs fly everywhere. The hunter feels a tap. ("ulp") He turns round, this time to see two bears. The same ultimatum is offered, this time that it's to be with both bears. Again the hunter agrees. Next day. The hunter crawls slowly-slowly through the undergrowth, his backside sore, carrying a grenade launcher. He sees the lump again, takes aim and lets a couple of grenades go. BOOM!!! BOOM!!! Feathers and fur. Again, the tap. The hunter turns round, knowing what he's going to see. He gasps when he sees a long line of Grizzlies. The lead grizzly grins and says, "It's not really the hunting you're here for is it."

09/25/00 
why did raggaty ann get kickred out of the toy box * because she sat on pinocio's face and moaned lie to me lie to me What do you call a blonde with pigtails *a blowjob with handlebars 
why did frosty the snowman pull down his pants * he heard the snow blower coming 

How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?
They left the plunger in the toilet

Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A:  Choked 

SARA RYAN 
SUPERSJR58@AOL.COM 
JOE:WHAT DO YOU CALL A TALK SHOW HOSTED BY A VEGETABLE? 
MOE: OKRA WINFREY! 

Kim 
Kim2oo5@aol.com 
What's the one-legged man's favorite restaraunt? IHOP!!! 

What's in the middle of Paris? 
"R" 

Where does the general keep his armies? 
Up his sleeve! 

Alex Bansleben
bans@erols.com 
Knock,knock
Who's there? Alex Alex who? Alexplain later 

DonBans@sealedair.com 
09/22/00 
A lady once lost her three dogs in a village.Their names were Earthquake, Tidal Wave, and lie.She tried to find them and she called, Earthquake!And everybody got out of their houses and ran around until they realized there wasn't an earthquake.Then she called Tidal Wave! And everybody came running out of their houses and all of them climbed a tree.Then she called Lie! And everybody got down from the trees and went over to her and started a fight. 

Q: what has 14 legs, bad breathe, musty, & doesn't take a bath 
A: I don't know but i'm staying away from it 

hugo watney
www.watney@netcomuk.co.uk 
A man walks into a bar and says to the bar man."I bet you five hundred pounds that i can pee into that glass over there".The bar man says ok.so the guy starts to pee,and he's peeing all over the place .He's peeing on the walls ,on the ceiling,on the barman ,and he's peeing every where exept the glass.So the barman's laughing, with urine dripping off his face and he's realy happy and says ,"you dumb idiot you now owe me five hundred pounds"!So the man goes to the back of the bar where he sees these guys playing snooker ,then comes back to the bar.The guy slaps the money on the bar with a great big grin on his face. "Why are you so happy you just lost five hundred pounds"? "Well see those guys over there,I just bet them a thousand pounds that I could pee on you ,pee on your bar and you not only not be mad about it but you'd be happy"!

A guy walked into a bar with a duck under his arm and the bartender asked, "Where'd ya get the
pig?" The guy lookd at the bartender and said, "It's not a PIG you idiot, it's a DUCK!" The
bartender looked at the guy and said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck!" 

mike otis mma2000@hotmail.com 08/19/00
A preacher skipped his Sunday sermon to go bear hunting. He packs his truck and trusty rifle and heads to the woods. As he is walking through the forest, he hears a movement in the bushes behind him. He turns around and there is a huge grizzly standing there. His first instinct is to take off running. As he is running, he is praying "God, please forgive for skipping church! Answer my one prayer and I will never skip church!" "Please make a christian out of this bear." Instantly the bear drops to his knees and prays "dear Lord bless this food I'm about to receive!"

lenny c. sanchez lennysanchez@hotmail.com 09/16/00
Why is Santa Claus so merry? He knows where all the bad girls live.

what time is it when the clock strikes 13'0clock? time to get a new clock

Q: What do you call a fish with ten I's? A: Fiiiiiiiiish

Q: Why did the coach go to the bank? A: To get his quarter back!

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doc? A: He was feeling kind of crumby!

Q: You're in a dream and there is a stoned wall with no door or no window. There's one mirror through.You have to get out but the only utensils you have are a knife and a gun. How do you get out? A: You wake up!

Q: What do you call two banana peels? A: Slippers

Joke of the day

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you,  I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze
you,  because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night,  and what happened in my bed still leaves a  tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly  without any reservations,
you laid on my naked body...you sensed my  indifference,
so you applied your hungry mouth to me without  any guilt or humiliation,
and you drove me near crazy while you drained  me.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone,
I searched for you but to no avail, only the  sheets bore witness to last
nights events.

My body still bears faint marks of your  enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you.................. you bloody mosquito.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Top joke in USA

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There's a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil's wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

Top joke in Belgium

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Top joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip.  After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment.  "Watson, you idiot!" he says.  "Someone has stolen our tent!"

Here are some of the top jokes in different countries:

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Top joke in USA

The American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:
‘There's a weasel chomping on my privates.’

Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes.

One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:

At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil's wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.”
“Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”

However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

Top joke in Belgium

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Top joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

 ROMANCE MATHEMATICS From: Raul Fernandez 
 
 
 Smart man + smart woman = romance
 
 Smart man + dumb woman = affair
 
 Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
 
 Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
 
 OFFICE ARITHMETIC
 
 Smart boss + smart employee = profit
 
 Smart boss + dumb employee = production
 
 Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
 
 Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
 
 SHOPPING MATH
 
 A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
 
 A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't  need.
 
 GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
 
 A woman worries about the future until she gets a  husband.
 
 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
 
 A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
 
 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
 
 HAPPINESS
 
 To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot
 and love him a little.
 
 To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not 
 try to  understand her at all.
 
 LONGEVITY
 
 Married men live longer than single men do, but 
 married men are a lot  more  willing to die.
 
 PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
 
 A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
 
 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
 
 DISCUSSION TE! CHNIQUE
 
 A woman has the last word in any argument.
 
 Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a  new argument.
 
 HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
 
 Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me  in the 
 ribs and  cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I 
 started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
 
 
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE 
SMART GUYS YOU  KNOW CAN HANDLE IT.

We've all known people that were able to "work the system" to their own advantage.

Here's a story that's just plain cute:

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Prison. 

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his
predicament.

Dear Son,
I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your
mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I
know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.
                                                                                Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad,
don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the next
morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug
up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote
another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what
to do next. 

His son's reply was, "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the
best I could do for you at this time."

________________________________________________

From: "Leoncio Guerrero" 
Subject: I'm older than dirt 
Date: Thu, 29 Nov 2001 08:24:43 -0800

Oh my God, I'm older than dirt...I remember them all (except 4)!!!

How many do you remember???????????????????????????????

The Age Barometer      Count how many you remember...

1. Blackjack chewing gum

2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water (just bought some at the mall)

3. Candy cigarettes

4. Soda pop machines that dispensed bottles

5. Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes

6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers

7. Party lines

8. Newsreels before the movie

9. P.F. Flyers

10. Butch wax

11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive -6933)

12. Peashooters

13. Howdy Doody

14. 45 RPM records

15. S&H Green Stamps

16. Hi-fi's

17. Metal ice trays with levers

18. Mimeograph paper

19. Blue flashbulbs

20. Beanie and Cecil

21. Roller skate keys

22. Cork popguns

23. Drive-ins

24. Studebakers

25. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young

If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older

If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age

If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

Date: Mon, 18 Jun 2001
From: "Jim Thorp" 

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool and show who
was boss on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first
time approaching a field during the nighttime. Instead of
making any official requests to the tower, he said: 'Guess
who?'

The controller switched the field lights off and replied:
'Guess where!'

From:  jthorp

How to Bath a Cat

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe
your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet
water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him
towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet
and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid
so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part
of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be
reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat
will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the
noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually
enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a
'powerwash and rinse' which I have found to be quite
effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure
that there are no people between the toilet and the
outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and
quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and
run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER 

These are notes from an inexperienced chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from New Jersey and
fell into it: 

"Recently I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at the State Fair in Texas, and was asked to fill
in to be a judge at a chili cook-off. Apparently the original judge #3 called in sick at the last moment,
and I happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges(Native
Texans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste of Texas hospitality. They assured me that the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: 

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ####, what the #### is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took
me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. 

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. 
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to
wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers
when they saw the look on my face. 

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.Needs more beans. 
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. 
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone
knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest.I'm getting ####-faced. 

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic 
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Dissappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili. 
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. 

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover 
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement. 
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming.Screw those rednecks! 

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety 
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. 
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except that #### Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! 

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I
should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably. 
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the
sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like #### to match my damn shirt. At least
during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it,
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence. 
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it
was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank. 




A father's 10 rules for dating a daughter submitted by Leo Guerrero


Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding,
middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All Polar bears are left-handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton growers in the '30s lobbied against hemp farmers, they saw it as competition.

Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
Starfish haven't got brains.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

The Republican National Committee is changing it's emblem

The Republican National Committee announced today that the Republican Party is
changing it's emblem from an elephant to a condom. The committee chairman explained
that "the condom more clearly reflects the party's stance today, because a condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed."

A Mexican Genie...

A Mexican lady was walking along the bank of the Rio Grande when she
stumbled upon un old empty cerveza bottle. She picked it up and rubbed
it, and a la ve, a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile then the
Genie told her he would grant her ONE weesh.

She said to the Genie.  "I heard from mi prima that I coo get three
weeshes if I ever found a Genie. The Genie said, "Oh no, sorry, esa.
Three-weesh genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a ONE-WEESH Genie, Uno, no mas! So... que quiere?

The lady didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with eash other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americanos. It will bring world peace and harmony." The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Orale! BE REASONABLE! These countries have been at war for thousands of years.

I'm out of shape after being in that bottle for five hundred years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it can be done. "PLEASE make another weesh and please be reasonable."

The lady thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never bean able to
fine the right man. I want a Mexicano boyfriend... You know, one that's
DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, nice y fun, likes to Cumbia and helps with cleaning la casa. I want him to be great in bed and gets along con mi familia, and is FAITHFUL and doesn't throw chingasos at me. That's what I weesh for... a good Mexicano man.

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his cavesa and said, "Chingada
vieja! Let me see that freakin' map again."

NEVER SAY TO A COP

 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
 3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
 5. Are You Andy or Barney?
 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a  police officer.
 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
 8. I pay your salary!
 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,  too!
 10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other  cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been  drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look  glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

TWO STRANGERS IN PLANE

Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when  the first guy turned to the second and said, "Let's talk.  I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your  fellow passenger."

The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly,  took off his glasses and said to the first guy, "What would you like  to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the first guy.  "How about nuclear power?"


"OK," said the second guy.  "That could be an interesting topic. But  let me ask you a question first.

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass.  The same stuff.  Yet a deer  excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.  Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the first guy.  "I have no idea."

"Well then," said the second guy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

BRA SIZES?

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E and F are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!

A} - Almost Boobs...

B} - Barely there.

C} - Can't Complain!

D} - Damn!

DD} - Double damn!

E} - Enormous!

F} - Fake.

FEMALE GOLFER 

Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to retrieve it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay." For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, and women will flock to him."

The woman replied, "That will be okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, poof! - she's the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. Again the frog warned, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay, because what is mine is his, and what is his is mine."

So, poof! - she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered, "I'd like to have a 'MILD HEART ATTACK'".

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them

From: NyZLiLhOmE@aol.com
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 15:22:25 EDT
Subject: Mets vrs. Yanks
To: maria@jokebook.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A school teacher in NY who is a big Mets fan has gone over board. He asked
his students to tell him who was their favorite team in NY . The Yanks or The
Mets? All but one ,out of fear ,said they were Mets fans. That one boy was
asked by the teacher '' How did you end up a Yankee fan?" The kid replied ''
Because my mom and dad are Yankee fans." The teacher responds by saying to
the little boy ''that shouldn't matter, what if your mom and dad were moron's
,what would that make you''? The kid responded
''A METS FAN''

From: Cutie4ever838@aol.com
Date: Tue, 10 Jul 2001 21:35:53 EDT
Subject: joke
To: maria@jokebook.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a fat man, Rupaul, and Bill Gates all died in a car accident. when they
reached heaven, God said, "You each could go back home but only if u give up
something u love." Bill Gates gave up money, the fat man gave up food, and
Rupaul gave up men. When they were all on earth again, they were walking down
a street. the fat man said "i smell pizza, i can't stand the urge" so he ate
the pizza. and poof! he disapperaed. when Rupaul, and Bill Gates were walking
down the street, bill found $50. when he bent down to pick it up, Poof !
rupaul diasppeared

From: NyZLiLhOmE@aol.com
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 15:19:32 EDT
Subject: Blonde jokes
To: maria@jokebook.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Biography of a Blonde

When God passed out looks,
I thought He said books, and I didn't want any.
When God passed out ears,
I thought He said beers, and I asked for two long ones.
When God passed out legs,
I thought He said kegs, and I asked for two fat ones.
When God passed out noses,
I thought He said roses, and I asked for a big red one.
When God passed out heads,
I thought He said beds, and I asked for a big soft one.
When God passed out brains,
I thought he said trains, and I missed mine.

From: NyZLiLhOmE@aol.com
Date: Fri, 13 Jul 2001 15:21:02 EDT
Subject: Black and White joke
To: maria@jokebook.com
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Black and White

A black man talks to a white man:
When I was born I was black,
When I grew up I was black,
When I'm sick I'm black,
When I go in the sun I'm black,
When I'm cold I'm black,
When I die I'll be black.
But you:
When you're born you're pink,
When you grow up you're white,
When you're sick, you're green,
When you go in the sun you turn red,
When you're cold you turn blue,
and when you die you turn purple.
And you have the nerve to call me colored!!!

From: "becky" <39blackwidow@pennswoods.net
To: <maria@jokebook.com
Date: Sat, 14 Jul 2001 15:22:16 -0400
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
what happened when a brunett told a blonde to kiss her ass ? she bent down and did it!!!!!!!

Q.did you ever here of the man whos left side got cut of?

A.he's all right now

This joke is about the tomatoe,the hamburger,and the dick.
the tomatoe said to the hamburger you got it maid they slice me up and put me on bread.then the hamburger said to the tomatoe.you got it maid they slice me up and put me on buns.then the dick said to the tomatoe and the hamburger.both of ya'll got it maid they put a plastic bag over my head and make me do pushup's till I throwup

In Chigaco Illions a woman's husband worked until late at night. She wanted to get a watch dog so she went to the pet shop. At the pet shop she asked the clerk for a recomended watch dog."I know just what you need", said the clerck "I will be right back" The clerk returned holding a dinky yippy dog. "But that's not a watch dog" protested the woman. "It is as good as any. If not better. It knows Karate". "Yeah right" replies the woman."Then let me demonstrate" says the clerk."Karate the sign!" The next thing you saw was a sale sign in tiny shreads."Karate the chair" bellowed the clerk. Wooden splinters went flying through the air and the woman was convinced. "All right I will take it" She returns home to show her husdand her new watch dog. "That's no watch dog" says the husband."Yes it is. It know Karate"
"Karate my ass!"

Question: Why did the Football Coach go to the bank?

Answer: Because he had to get his Quarterback

A parrot and magician were on a cruise ship. During the magician's acts, the parrot would continue to swear. One day, the boat blew up, and my coincedence, the magician and parrot landed on the same peice of debris to float on. The parrot kept swearing, and the magician would continually respond with, "SHUT UP". Finally the parrot asks, "hows you hole, hows you hole". The magician, again, responds with, "shut up". The parrot seems surprised at this and says, "mine too!!! Must be the salt water."

A blone,a red head,and a black hair girl are stuck 20 miles from shore. The red head swims 15 miles gets tired and drowns. The black hair girl swims 18 miles then drowns. The blonde swims 18 miles gets tired and swims all the way back

02/03/01

Why do hunters make the best lovers?

Because the go deep into the bush, they shoot more than once, and they eat what they shoot.

Conan the Barbarian

02/02/01

A deaf women and a deaf man get married. On the wedding night the women gets into bed, the man shuts of the lights and jumps into bed.

The women jumps out of bed, turns on the light and signs to the man " what if you want to have sex with me?"

The man signs back "I'll squeeze you boob once."

"But what if you don't want to have sex with me?" she signs back

To which he replies "well I'll just squeeze your breast twice."

"Ok" she signs back. Then she turns off the lights and jumps back into bed. A minute later she jumps out of bed turns on the light and sings to her husband "what if I want to have sex with you?"

"Well then just reach down and squeeze my penis once” he signs back

"Ok, but what if I don't want to have sex with you?" she signs

He replies, "Well then just reach down and squeeze my penis 100 times."

adam
squatingdog14
11/19/00

A school class went on a feild trip to a life savers factory they were guessing the colors when they got to yellow they were stumped. The teacher said I'll give you a hint it might be something your mom calls your dad. Then a girl said I know ASS HOLE and the techer said not that honey

what does a priest and a xmas tree have in common?

Both their balls are just fo decoration

Marlena ChattyChik34@yahoo.com

01/24/01

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
She always ran away from the ball.

Three gents were drinking apple martinis in a bar and had gotten to the stage of arguing about details.

“I tell you it’s spelled W-O-O-M,” the first said loudly.

“No no, no,” the second protested. “It’s W-O-O-0-M.’

“You’re both wrong,” the third ventured.

“I say it’s W-O-O-M-B.”

A gynecologst passing spoke up. “You’re getting close,” she told them. “Actually, it’s W-O-M-B.”

They stared at her a moment, then stared at each other. Finally one spoke:

“Madam,” he said, “it’s obvious that you’ve never heard an elephant fart.”

---

 There was a young man from Glenglozle
 Who found a remarkable fossil
 He deduced from the bend
 And the wart on the end
 'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle
 

---

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he perfomed a private concert for the Queen of England." One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events at the olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, who was high on cocaine and alcohol, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now, he's president of the United States."

---

 There was a young monk of Hong Kong
 Who had a three-headed dong
 A small one for sucking
 A BIG one for fucking
 And an extra for beating the gong
 

---

Dear President Bush:

The Presidential Prayer Team is currently urging us to: "Pray for the President as he seeks wisdom on how to legally codify the definition of marriage. Pray that it will be according to Biblical principles. With any forces insisting on variant definitions of marriage, pray that God's Word and His standards will be honored by our government."

Any religious person believes prayer should be balanced by action. So here, in support of the Prayer Team's admirable goals, is a proposed Constitutional Amendment to codify marriage on biblical principles:

A. Marriage in the United States shall consist of a union between one man and one or more women. (Gen29:17-28; II Sam 3:2-5)

B. Marriage shall not impede a man's right to take concubines, in addition to his wife or wives. (II Sam5:13; I Kings 11:3; II Chron 11:21)

C. A marriage shall be considered valid only if the wife is a virgin. If the wife is not a virgin, she shall be executed. (Deut 22:13-21)

D. Marriage of a believer and a non-believer shall be forbidden. (Gen24:3; Num 25:1-9; Ezra 9:12; Neh10:30)

E. Since marriage is for life, neither this Constitution nor the constitution of any State, nor any state or federal law, shall be construed to permit divorce. (Deut 22:19; Mark 10:9)

F. If a married man dies without children, his brother shall marry the widow. If he refuses to marry his brother's widow or deliberately does not give her children, he shall pay a fine of one shoe. (Gen.38:6-10; Deut 25:5-10)

---

How to start your day with a positive attitude:

1. Create a "new folder" on your computer.
2. Name it "George W. Bush".
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your computer will ask you: "Do you really want to delete "George W. Bush"?
6. Calmly answer, "Yes", and press the mouse button firmly...

---

O the freshmen get no tail up at Yale
Yes the freshmen get no tail up at Yale
You should hear them howl and wail
‘Cause they never get no tail up at Yale

There ain’t no fornication up at Yale
There ain’t no fornication
They are sunk in masturbation
It’s the arse-hole of creation up at Yale

---

BENEFITS OF FAITH-BASED ORGANIZATIONS
Childless couple told to try sex

A German couple who went to a fertility clinic after eight years of marriage have found out why they are still childless - they weren't having sex.

The University Clinic of Lubek said they had never heard of a case like it after examining the couple who went to see them last month for fertility tests.

Doctors subjected them to a series of examinations and found they were both apparently fertile, and should have had no trouble conceiving.

A clinic spokesman said: "When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: "What do you mean?".

"We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate."

---

PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - A federal prisoner was sentenced to an extra 18 months in jail on Friday for threatening to kill former first lady and New York Democratic Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, prosecutors said.

He told a psychologist he made the threat because his life was dull and he wanted some notoriety, they said.

Edward Falvey, 51, admitted to a charge of threatening to kill or inflict bodily harm on Clinton in an effort to gain "15 minutes of fame." He is currently serving a 30-month sentence in a Fairton, New Jersey, prison for bank robbery.

In a letter he wrote last April to a psychologist at the prison, Falvey said he wanted to shoot a famous person so he could acquire a bad reputation.

"I want notoriety in my life. My life is dull and boring. I need to spice it up," he wrote, according to a statement from U.S. Attorney Christopher Christie in Camden, New Jersey.

---

 From: hondalover11279 
 To: Aaron Leitch
 
 Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza
 Hut. May I have your national ID
 number?
 
 
 Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an
 order.
 
 
 Operator: I must have your NIDN first,
 sir.
 
 
 Customer: My National ID Number, yeah,
 hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610.
 
 
 Operator: Thank you Mr. Smith. I see you
 live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the
 phone number is 494-2366. Your office
 number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-
 2302 and your cell number is 266-2566.
 Email address is smith@home.net Which
 number are you calling from?
 
 
 Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you
 get all this information?
 
 
 Operator: We're wired into the HSS, sir.
 
 
 Customer: The HSS, what is that?
 
 
 Operator: We're wired into the Homeland
 Security System, sir. This will add only
 15 seconds to your ordering time.
 
 
 Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to
 order a couple of your All Meat
 Special pizzas.
 
 
 Operator: I don't think that's a good
 idea, sir.
 
 
 Customer: Whaddya mean?
 
 
 Operator: Sir, your medical records and
 commode sensors indicate that you've got
 very high blood pressure and extremely
 high cholesterol. Your National Health
 Care provider won't allow such an
 unhealthy choice .
 
 
 Customer: What?!?! What do you
 recommend, then?
 
 
 Operator: You might try our low-fat
 Soybean Pizza.I'm sure you'll like
 it.
 
 
 Customer: What makes you think I'd like
 something like that?
 
 
 Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet
 Soybean Recipes' from your local library
 last week, sir. That's why I made the
 suggestion.
 
 
 Customer: All right, all right. Give me
 two family-sized ones, then
 
 
 Operator: That should be plenty for you,
 your wife and your four kids.
 Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir.
 Your total is $49.99.
 
 
 Customer: Lemme give you my credit card
 number.
 
 
 Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid
 you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit
 card balance is over its limit.
 
 
 Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and
 get some cash before your driver gets
 here.
 
 
 Operator: That won't work either, sir.
 Your checking account is overdrawn also.
 
 
 Customer: Never mind! Just send the
 pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How
 long will it take?
 
 
 Operator: We're running a little behind,
 sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If
 you're in a hurry you might want to
 pick'em up while you're out getting the
 cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a
 motorcycle can be a little awkward.
 
 
 Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a
 scooter?
 
 
 Operator: It says here you're in arrears
 on your car payments, so your
 car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid
 for and you just filled the tank
 yesterday.
 
 
 Customer: Well, I'll be a #%#^^&$%^$@#
 
 
 Operator: I'd advise watching your
 language, sir. You've already got a 
 July 4, 2003, conviction for cussing out
 a cop and another one I see here in
 September for contempt at your hearing
 for cussing at a judge. Oh yes, I see
 here that you just got out from a 90 day
 stay in the State Correctional Facility.
 Is this your first pizza since your
 return to society?
  
 
 Customer: (speechless)
 
 
 Operator: Will there be anything else,
 sir?
 
 
 Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a
 free 2 liter of Coke.
 
 
 Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's
 exclusionary clause prevents us from
 offering free soda to diabetics. The New
 Constitution our country started using 
 in 2006 prohibits this.
 Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!
 

THE CLASS OF 2008

    Just in case you weren't feeling old enough today, this will
    certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in
Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense
    of the mindset of this year's incoming freshman.

 Here is this year's list:

    The people who are starting college this fall across the nation
 were born in 1985/1986.

    They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and
 probably did not know he had ever been shot.

    They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
 There has been only one Pope in their lifetime.
    They were 7 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember
    the Cold War..

    They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up (the
 first time).

Tiananmen Square means nothing to them.

    Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
 Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.

    The statement "You sound like a broken record" means nothing to
    them. They have never owned a record player.

    They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of
 Pong.

    They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was
    introduced when they were 1 year old.

    They have always had an answering machine.

    Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have
 they seen a black and white TV.

    They have always had cable.
    There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.

    They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

    They don't know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the
    "Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up" commercial.

    Feeling old Yet? There's more:

    They were born the year that Walkman was introduced by Sony.

    Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
 Michael Jackson has always been white.

    Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

    They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.

    Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

    They have never seen Larry Bird play.
    They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

    The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as W.W.I, W.W.II
 and the Civil War.

    They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.

    They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

    They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. (The correct
    answer, by the way, is Ork)

    They never heard: "Where's the beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a
    Camel," or "De plane, de plane!"

    They do not care who shot J.R. and have no idea who J.R. was.

Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are
       places, not bands.

    There has always been MTV.

    They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

    Do you feel old yet? If you do, then pass this on to other
    old fogies...but don't send it back to me, I feel old enough.

How old is Grandma?

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end -- I think you'll be
surprised.

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current
events. The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings
at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute.  In the year of my
birth--before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox,
contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill--there was no radar, credit
cards,laser beams or ball-point pens.

Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes
dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air, and man
hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first - and then lived together.
Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man
older than me, 'Sir' - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen
and every man with a title, "Sir.'

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare
centers,and group therapy. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments,
good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference
between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our
actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a
bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having
a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft
dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze
started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
weekends - not purchasing condominiums.

FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys
wearing earrings were unknown. The Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's
speeches were listened to on radios. And I'm sure no kid ever blew his
brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

Anything with 'Made in Japan' on it was junk. The term 'making out'
referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza Hut,
McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.  We had 5 & 10-cent
stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were
all a nickel. Or, that nickel could be spent on enough stamps to mail 1
letter and 2 postcards.

Dads could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too
bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

Back then, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was
something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of
wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't
even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed
a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and
say there is a generation gap ..... and how old do you think I am ???

Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the
same time.  Stop the world, I want to get off!!!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
This woman would be only 59 years old!

Date: Sun, 15 Apr 2001 21:33:25 -0700

From: Leoncio Guerrero <lfg6745@earthlink.net>
To: marialena@marialena.com
Subject: for jokebook
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Perfect Employee?

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd
numbered lines.

suhail@hotmail.com.com
Q:  Why does the third month always get tired
A:  Because it is always marching!

Q: What did the mayonnaise say when the boy opened the refrigerator door?    
A: I'm dressing!!!!

Jessica
when you were little you were so ugly that your momma had to feed you with a sling shot

cumball15@hotmail.com
Egocentric A person who believes he is everything you know you are


coolanosh@usa.net
11/28/00

once there 3 people went to god. they were bill clinton nava sarif and vajpaee. they went to god. 1st bill clinton asked god " when will corruption go from my country " god replied " about 30 40 yrs. " bill started cryin' on asked he answered that he would not live so long. 2nd nava sarif asked " when will curruption go from my country " god replied " about some 50 60 yrs. " nava started to cry. on asked he to replied that he would not live that long. now vajpaee asked the same question. then suddenly god started to cry.on bieng asked by vajpaee god replied that he himself would not live so long.

It's not how deep you fish... It's how you wiggle the worm.

What do you do when a blond throws a pin at you? 
 Run like hell because she still has the grenade.

updaters@eawrestling.com

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A COCONUT AND a DEERNUT?
ANSWER:You can get a coconut at the Super Market for under 2 dollars but you can get a DEERNUT for under a BUCK??

Knok knok whos there justin justin who?
Justin time for dinner

what do you call a dog with no back legs and balls of steel?    sparky. 

    A man walks into a pub. in the corner of the pub there was a donkey. It was the most miserable animal that he had ever seen. Next to the donkey there was a bucket full of money. They man walks up to the barman and says "Barman, why is there a bucket of meny next to that donkey?" The barman replies "Well, this donkey is so miserable, that we r telling people to put money into the bucket, then try and cheer the donkey up, if they succeed, they get to keep the money. So far, no one has succeeded." "Well," said the man "Let me have a go." So he walked up to the donkey, put some money in the bucket, and whispered something into the donkeys ear. Suddenly, the donkey started laughing. So, the man picked up the bucket of money and walked out. 
    About two weeks later, the man returned to the pub. The donkey was there, still laughing, with another bucket of money beside it. The man walked up to the bar and said "Barman, why is there another bucket of money beside that donkey?" and the barman replied "Well, since you were last here he hasn't stopped laughing, so we are taking the same approach as before to calming him down. Whoever calms him down keeps the money." "Well," said the man. "Let me have a go" so he walked up to the donkey, put some money in the bucket and stood in front of it, so no one could see what he was doing. Suddenly, the donkey started crying his eyes out. So, once again, the man picked up the bucket of money and went to the bar to buy a drink. "That's amazing!" shouted the barman. "How did you do it? First you managed to make him laugh, then you managed to make him cry. how did you do it?" "Well" Began the man. "Last time when I was in, I bet the donkey that I had a bigger cock than him, he laughed. This time I showed him!!"

why did the pervert cross the road? he was stuck to the chicken. 

Q:Did you hear the one about the broken pencil? 
A: Ahh, nevermind it was pointless! 

There were two muffins in the oven; the first muffin turns to the other and says "whoo!It's hot in here!"
the second muffin screams "AHHH!! A talking muffin!!"

DAVID MHTEENSPIRIT@AOL.COM 11/10/00
HOW DO YOU MAKE HOLY WATER?  GET REGULER WATER AND BOIL THE HELL OUT OF IT

Q:How do you clean a tuba? 
A:With a Tuba Toothpaste 

Confucious Says: 
Virginity like Balloon,one prick all gone.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot
Man who falls asleep with itchy butt wakes up with smelly fingers

mike
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride. His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle. Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice. "Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?" he asked. The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her." "Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help," the
man said. Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home. "Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone. Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him? He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon, he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there. A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy." A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?" "Sir, I'm with the police department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer. "Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently. "Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago," the officer said.One day a duck walks into a feed shop. He asks the manager if he had any corn. The manager said, "we don't sell to ducks." The next day the duck walks back in. He asks the same question. He gets the same answer. The manger says, "if you come in again tomorrow i'm gonna nail your beak to the floor." The next day the duck walks in and asks do you have any nails. "No", the manager answers. Do you have any corn the duck asks.

Corey Newell vikings18@hotmail.com 11/08/00
why can't blonde's make colade? Becouse they can't fit 2 quorts of water in the pakets.

Kathy barbiegurl107@goplay.com 11/08/00
there was once a bus driver who every day picked up exactly 25 white students and 25 black ones. Every day the students would argue about weather the white students or weather the black ones should have to sit in the back of the bus. Finally one day the us driver got really fead up and he pulls the bus over. He tells all the students to get off the bus and stand outside where every body could hear him. "From now on", the bus driver says, "there is no more black and white. You are all green". All the students think that is a good idea and readly agree with the bus driver. So the bus driver says, "ok then every body on the bus, and all you dark green kids move to the back".

Jace
Why is a river so rich? because it has two banks on each side
what has 4 wheels an flys? a garbage truck
Kmock knock? whos there? boo who? don't cry its just a joke.

Rosarito Jahn  r2rjahn@earthlink.net
a blond wanted to prove to her husband that not all blonds are dumb, and cant do anything on their own. so the next day when her husband went to work, she decide to paint the living room. when her husband came home, he noticed she was wearing a fur coat and another jacket over, he asked her and she replied that the paint can said "for best result apply two coats"

Derek Erwin slick_clyde2000@hotmail.com 11/07/00
How do you kill a dumb blond? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. How do you save a dumb blond? Take your foot off her head. What does a dumb blond and a shotgun have in commom? Give them a cock and they explode. What do you do if a dumb blond throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back. What do you call a group of black people sitting in a shed? Antique farm equipment. What do you call a group of black people falling from the sky? Night. What do you call it when they hit the ground? Pavement.

One day a man went into a bar, and started drinking. There was a jar with 100,000,000 dollars in it. The man askes, "Whats the jar for?" The bartender replys "You get the money if you do these special tasks." The man says "Well, what are the tasks?" The bartender says "First, you gotta go over to that biker over there and kill him. Second, you have to go downstairs and pull a loose tooth out of a rabid rottweiler. Third, you see that hot chick over there? You have to do it with her. You got the rules?" The man replys "Nah, I don't think I'll do it." Later on after the guy has had a few beers, he goes back to the bartender and says "Well I guess I could use the money. I'll give it a shot." So the man goes over to the biker and throws him on the ground and kicks him in the face. Then he goes down to the basement, but he doesn't come up for a while. All of a sudden, he hears a bunch of scraping and yelping on the basement floor. The bartender goes "Well, he's done for." Then the man comes out from the basement and says to the bartender, his hair all messed up, "So now wheres the chick with the loose tooth?"

Andy Miller 
the_rottencheese_crew@hotmail.com 
whats a blondes version of safe sex? 
locking the car door 

Candace Luther 
candy_o_3000@yahoo.com 
Q: Why did the Vampire run out of the restaraunt? 
A: Because someone ordered a stake. 

BIG D 
Big_D_ny@hotmail.com 
Q. Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? 
A. Because he only comes once a year!!! 

Mr. Parton 
www.iamplayinggolf@bigpond.com 
Q: What's an Irishman's latest invention? 
A: A glass door with a peep-hole! 

sharod silas
your mama head head is so bald it slip of the pillow at night 

Marc Mueller mightymouse_mv@hotmail.com 11/03/00
A little kid and his father were playing football at a park. The little kid saw two dogs making love. So the little kid asked his father, "Daddy, what are those dogs doing over there?" The dad replied, "There just play fighting." Then they left. At home at the supper table the boy asks,"Daddy, why were those dogs fighting like that?" The dad replied, " Well son, actually they were trying to make a little puppy." Later that night the kid walked in on his parents having sex, "Daddy," he yelled, "What are you doing to mommy?" "well son we're trying to make a little brother or sister for you." The child then answered, "Daddy turn mommy over, i'd rather have a little dog instead."

Lia
GoogleBerry747@aol.com 
why do bald guys cut holes in their pockets? 
to run their fingers through their hair! 

What did the math book say to the other math book? BOY DO I HAVE PROBLEMS 

why don't lobsters share their toys? because their shellfish 

There was an organization that took a guy from Texas, a guy from Africa, Adn a guy from Japan and put them on a secluded island. They put the Texan in charge of the shelter, the African in charge of the food, and the Japanese guy in charge of supplies. A year later, the organization came back to check up on the three men. The Texan had a nice house built and the African had a nice garden with a lot of different crops. For some reason, they couldn't find the Japanese guy. "We haven't seen him since we've been here," said the other two men. They went to the backyard. The Japanese guy jumped out of a tree and yelled,"SUPPLIES!!!!"

maddog
how fare can a dog run into the woods? hafe way.

Mother and young child are walking down the street. They come to an alley and see two dogs fucking.
Child: Mama! look at those dogs.
Mother (thinking fast): The dog on the top ran into the street and was hit by a car. His legs are broken. The dog on the bottom is helping him to get to the doggie hospital because he can't walk.
Child: Oh!
Mother: Now what do you learn from that?
Child: Uhh...
Mother: Never...
Child: Never try to help anybody out because they will just stick it right in your ass.

    Mickey and Minnie were going thru a bitter long drawn out divorce court battle both attorneys were accusing each side of terrible treatment and the battle lasted for days.    Finally the judge says "OK I've heard enough, I'm going to take a 1 hour break and I'll come back with my decision"
    One hour passes with both sides squirming in their seats. Finally the judge emerges from his chambers sits down and looks across the court room and down at Mickey and says, "Well Mr. Mouse, I've heard your arguments but I'm afraid this court has found you have been unable to prove that your wife is crazy"
    Mickey looks up at the judge perplexed and says, "Crazy? I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was fucking goofy".

    An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation.
    The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with 'How much is two plus two?' The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, 'Four.'
    The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced 'Four.'
    The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and asked 'How much do you want it to be?'

Why do blondes hate making Kool-aid?
They can't fit the 8 cups of water in the envelope!

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
"A seagull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook."

iluvchelsie4eva@aol.com
Why didnt the skeleton cross the road? A.He didnt have the guts to.

what does a blonde do if you tell her "hey, look a dead bird"????? she looks up and says " where "

What did the blonde do to the orenge juice?? she concentrated!!!!!

yomomma so ugly that she went to church a god told her church is not for everybody.

How can you tell if a Polack is at an airport? He's throwing bread at the airplanes!

What do you do when you see 15 lions, 14 tigers, and 20 elephants? Wait for the Merry-Go-Round to stop and
run away.

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?...Shine a flashlight in their ear.

why do blonde's have T.G.I.F written on the front of there shirt? TITS GO IN FRONT

Courtney
adisabilitie5187@aol.com
whats smaller than a chiger? a chigers thingie majiger

Scott Rauwerda
sisque@hotmail.com
why do golfers wear two pears of pants? IN CASE THEY GET A HOLE IN ONE!!!!

Why did the blonde climb over the glass fence? To see what was on the other side.

your mama so ugly that the peeping tom reach in the window and pulled the shad down

WHAT KIND OF BEES GIVE MILK? BOOBIES!!!!

What do you see when the Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts

a blond a brunette and a readhead are running away from the police and they
run into a barn. the redhead hides behing a horse and the cops say, " maybe
their is someone behind the horse". the redhead says naaaaaaaaaaay and the
cops say, " nope its just a horse". the brunette hides behind a cow and the
police say, " maybe there is someone behind the cow", the brunette goes
mooooooooooo and the cops say " no its just a cow. the blond hides behind a
sack of potatoes and the police say
"maybe there is someone behind the sack of potatoes", and the blond says
potatoes!

what do a blond and a bowling ball have in common
they both get fingered thrown in the gutter and come back for more!

Q: How can you tell if you have thick glasses?
A: If you look at a map and see people waving!

Q: How can you tell if your mom is fat?
A: If she fills up the bath tub and then turns on the water!

(q)where do books sleep? (a) under their covers.

nicole
ghettegirl181248
(q)why did the boy stick a hose in his friends ear?
(a)because he wanted to brainwash him.

A man walks into a retaurant and orders the soup of the day. A little later on the waiter brings him a hot
bowl of soup and sets it down in front of him. The man looks at the soup and then asks the waiter, "What
kind of soup is this?" The waiter answers, "It's bean soup, sir." The man says, "I don't care what it's
been, what is it now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Erin Dailey
Why did the blonde carry a mirror every where she went?
Because she heard a rumor that her boyfriend was seeing another girl behind her back.

kendall hinton
indiannanicole2000@hotmail.com
10/23/00
There was this little girl named Annie that sat infront of a little boy named Johnny in Sunday school. Annie alway slept during the Sunday school lesson. One Sunday the teacher asked " Who created the earth?" and she called on Annie to answer. Annie was sleeping so Johnny stabbed her with a pencil. Annie woke up and said "Jesus Christ" The teacher said very good Annie. A few minutes later Annie was sleeping again and the teacher asked "Who was Jesus' father?" Johnny stabbed Annie again and she yelled out "God Allmighty" the teacher said very good Annie. About five minutes later the teacher asked Annie,"what was the first words Eve said to Adam" Johnny stabbed her once more and Annie jumped up and shouted "If you stick that thing in me one more time in gonna break it in half." The teacher fainted.

10/20/00
Once there was a sick woman that was about to die so she called her lawer and her preecher and she said "will you both stand on each side of my bed and hold my hand and the two men said why and the woman said because I want to die like jesus did with two thieves on each side.


10/18/00
a couple of fishing buddies from Alabama decided yo travel to minnesota one winter to try ic fishing.Just before they reached the frozen lake, they stopped at a bait shop to buy some supplies. "don't forget an ice pick," one of them said. They paid for thier purchases and were off. two hours later they came back. "we need another dozen ice picks,"they said. they bought a whole box full and left. But in an hourthey were back. the bait man asked "how you fellow's doing?" "not to well the fishermen replied. "we don't even got the boat in the water yet."


10/18/00
How did the dum blonde brake her arm raking leafs?
She fell out the tree.

clay
Gaclay788@aol.com
There were 3 men stuck on a tropical island with a canibal. The canibal caught all three of them and said to them,"Go into the forest and bring back 10 of the same fruit. When you get back i will tell you what to do next. The first guy came back with 10 apples and then the canibal said, "Now shove all 10 up your butt without laughin and i will let u live. He gets to three and starts laughing.So the canibal eats him and he goes to hevan. The second guy comes back with bluberrys the canibal says the same the canibal tells him the same thing. He got to 9 and burst out laughing.So the canibal eats him and he goes to hevan. Well the first guy meets the second guy in hevan and says,"What happin u were so close" the second guy says " I saw the third guy comin up with pineapples"


There once was a guy named Arty, and he worked at a grocery store. One day, two guys came along and stole his wallet and ran off with it, fortunatly, it only had $1 in it. Arty noticed the theft and ran after them, caught them, and choked them to death. the newspaper made a typying error on the story saying Artichokes 2 for  $1.

cheers4fun@yahoo.com 
Q. what did one physics teacher say to the other physics teacher? 
A. Whats the matter? 

Tony E.
cybertigerdesire@Hotmail.com
How do keep a blonde busy all day? You put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner

Mackenzie
A blond a burnett and a red head all swam the English Channel. The burnett did it in 5 hours the read
head in 7. The blond showed up three days later. When they asked her what took her so long she replied,
"Well the other girls cheated! They used their arms and legs while doing the breast stroke!"

Ben
Bashingben@aol.com
theres a blonde a brunet and a red head, they are all running from the cops when they run into a factory
and hide in three empty sacks the cops run in and one kicks the brunet, she brks like a dog then the cop
says oh its only a dog then kicks the red head she meows like a cat the cop says oh its only a cat then
kicks the blonde she goes patatoe patatoe

tou
vicate@netvigator
The boxer said have i damage my opponent yet? No,but keep swinging it might give him a draft! 

nico vicate@netvigator
Once there was a snail that crashed with a turtle. In the hospital the doctor said what happened.He said "you see it happened so fast i couldn't remember.

storyteller vicate@netvigator
Once there was a man named Forget. He wanted to by a horse.He asked the shop owner,that he wanted to have a horse. There was only one left.The shop owner said i have one more but it only obeys 2 commands.If you want it to go fast as the wind say thank goodness. If you want it to stopsay TomCruise.He was riding as fast the wind he was going to fall on cliff but he could'nt remember how to stop! He said Billclinton,santaclause,helenhunt. Finally he remembered it was tomcruise he stopped at the nick of time. Then he said THANK GOODNESS!

there was a blond who wanted to buy a T.V. so she went to the t.v. store and said hi want to buy a
t.v. "sorry we don't serve blonds" she came back once again the next day and said "Hi I would like to buy a
t.v." the clerk once again said "sorry we don't serve blonds" well the blond went back several more times,
asked the same question and got the same answer as she did all the other times,"sorry we don't serve blonds" so the next day she put on a burnette wig and went to the store and said "i would like to buy a t.v." and the clerk said
"sorry we don't serve blonds" the blond answered "How the heck do you know Im a blond?" the clerk smiled and said" well mam because those aren't t.v.s those are microwaves"

grandpa&grandma
grandpa was sick so they went to the doctor. the doctor said grandpa your heart is geting weak.
there can be no more climbing stairs or hanky panky. grandpa & grandma went home.
that night grandpa went to bed down stairs. while grandma went to bed up stairs.
about 11 oclock that night they meet on the stairs. grandma said were are you going.
grandpa said up stairs to die. were are you going. grandma said down stairs to kill you.
they lived happy the rest of there lives

what do you call a smart blonde?A golden retriever 

santacruz100@hotmail.com 
Why don"t chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their face!! 

What is tougher than a pitbull with aids? The sick bastard who gave it to him!!! 

Ryan F. Brian 
bry0373@aol.com 
what three words women never want to hear while having sex? "HONEY I'M HOME" 

Three Newfies are hitch-hiking down a road, when a drver in an uncovered pick-up truck stops and asks where their
going, and they say Toronto. He gives them a ride, but they have to ride in the back. Half way there, the truck
crashes into Lake Ontario. The driver quickly climbs out and surfaces, and looks around for the Newfies but he can't
find them. One minute passes, no Newfies. Two minutes pass, no Newfies. Three minutes pass, no Newfies. Finally, five
minutes later, the Newfies suface. "What took so long! I thought you drowed!" The driver exclamed. "Sorry," one said.
"We had trouble opening the tailgait. 

Ryan F. 
A blond is putting a puzzle together, when her boy friend comes to the door. She tells him shes having trouble putting her puzzle together. He asks what the picture is, and she tells him a rooster. He walks into the room and says, "For gods sake! put the Corn Flakes away!" 

There was this little boy sitting on the side of the road. He'd eat a M&M, bite a cat on the ass, move on down the curb. Eat a M&M, bite a cat on the ass, move on down the curb. This man came along, said, " Boy what are you doing?" Boy said " Playing truck driver." "Playing truck driver???" Boy said yeah..... "Poppin' pills, eatin pussy, and mvin' on down the road."

Kaitlyn
Kait2005@aol.com 
Why do graveyards have fences around them?... To keep the dead people in..

Becky 
Three men die in a car crash and to get a good car in heaven they each have to answer a question, so st.peter says to the first man 'how many years were you with your wife and did you ever cheat on her?' the 1st man replies 'I was with my wife for 12 years and I cheated on her 9 times,' 'right,you get a mini,'says st.peter'who's next?' so the 2nd man steps forward and st.Peter asks the same question, 'I was with my wife 20 years and I cheated on her 6 times' 'right said st.peter you get a rover, and now for you' 'I was with my wife 30 years and I didn't cheat on her once!' 'Thats what we like to hear, you get a jaguar,' so the 2 men with the mini and the rover are driving around when they see a the man with the Jaguar crying so they ask him whats wrong and he replies 'I just saw my wife driving around on a skateboard!'

A man died and went to Heaven and along the road to the white pearly gates he saw a shack to the side of the road and went inside an angel was sitting at a desk and was doing some paper work . and the walls were covered with clocks . so the man said what are all the clocks for.the Angel looked up and said the hand on each clock moves each time someone tells a lie. she said for example this is mona lias clock it has moved only 2 time ,so she has told only 2 lies. then she said this is bradd pits clock it has not moved at all. then the man said where is Bill clitions clock? the angel said it is in Gods office he uses it as a fan.

Q. What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? A. findinf half of a worm 

Two blondes were standing on a corner the first said "look at that dog with one eye the other covered her eye.
what do you call 4 dumb blondes at a 4 way stop? ETERNITY 

Brandy 
Brandy_pooh2000@yahoo.com 
an Englishman,an Irishman, and a Scotsman were hiding from bandits up in trees. The chief bandit called up one tree "anyone up there?" "cheep cheep" like a bird. then the next tree he called again "anyone up there?" "Eeek! eeek!" like a monkey. Then he called to the next one "anyone up there?" Moo-oo

Becky 
Three Nuns die in a car crash and when they arive at heavens gates st.Peter said 'if you want to get into heaven you each have to answer a question' the nuns replied 'OK' so he askes the first nun 'who was the first women?' the first nun replies 'Eve' 'right your in, next, where did Eve live?' 'The garden of Eden' 'correct your in,next,now because your the mother superier you get a harder question' 'that seams fair'says the nun 'OK what did Eve say to Adam the first time she saw him?' 'Ooh thats a hard one...' 'right your in'

mb_026@hotmail.com 
09/26/00 
Santa Claus, The tooth fairy, a dumb blond, and a smart blonde are walking down the street and they spot a twenty dollar bill. Who picks it up? 
Answer- the dumb blond because, their is no such thing as Santa, the tooth fairy 
and a smart blond!!! 

Jake 
methodboy888 
09/26/00
she was so blonde she thought a quarterback was a refund! she was so blonde she sat on the tv and watched the couch! 

ben bopes
bennymac57@hotmail.com 
09/25/00
why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton? she had a blonde boyfriend 

Jack Butler
09/25/00
A hunter is out in the woods, creeping along through the undergrowth. All of a sudden, he notices a hairy lump sticking in the air behind a bush. So, he takes aim with his rifle, takes a breath and fires. BANG! The lump explodes in a shower of feathers and fur. The hunter feels a tap on his shoulder. There's a big grizzly behind him. "You thought that was me, didn't ya," growls the bear. "By rights, I should rip you limb from limb. But," the bear continues, "I won't on the condition that you let me take you behind that bush and have sex with you." The hunter, desperate for his life, agrees.
Next day he returns to the woods, this time carrying a heavy bore shotgun, as well as his rifle and a serious need for revenge. He creeps along and notices a hairy lump sticking in the air behind a bush. He takes his shotgun and pumps a couple of shots into the lump, then takes his rifle and fires a few shots. BANGBANGBANGBANG!!!
Feather and furs fly everywhere. The hunter feels a tap. ("ulp") He turns round, this time to see two bears. The same ultimatum is offered, this time that it's to be with both bears. Again the hunter agrees. Next day. The hunter crawls slowly-slowly through the undergrowth, his backside sore, carrying a grenade launcher. He sees the lump again, takes aim and lets a couple of grenades go. BOOM!!! BOOM!!! Feathers and fur. Again, the tap. The hunter turns round, knowing what he's going to see. He gasps when he sees a long line of Grizzlies. The lead grizzly grins and says, "It's not really the hunting you're here for is it."

09/25/00 
why did raggaty ann get kickred out of the toy box * because she sat on pinocio's face and moaned lie to me lie to me What do you call a blonde with pigtails *a blowjob with handlebars 
why did frosty the snowman pull down his pants * he heard the snow blower coming 

How did Helen Kellers parents punish her?
They left the plunger in the toilet

Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A:  Choked 

SARA RYAN 
SUPERSJR58@AOL.COM 
JOE:WHAT DO YOU CALL A TALK SHOW HOSTED BY A VEGETABLE? 
MOE: OKRA WINFREY! 

Kim 
Kim2oo5@aol.com 
What's the one-legged man's favorite restaraunt? IHOP!!! 

What's in the middle of Paris? 
"R" 

Where does the general keep his armies? 
Up his sleeve! 

Alex Bansleben
bans@erols.com 
Knock,knock
Who's there? Alex Alex who? Alexplain later 

DonBans@sealedair.com 
09/22/00 
A lady once lost her three dogs in a village.Their names were Earthquake, Tidal Wave, and lie.She tried to find them and she called, Earthquake!And everybody got out of their houses and ran around until they realized there wasn't an earthquake.Then she called Tidal Wave! And everybody came running out of their houses and all of them climbed a tree.Then she called Lie! And everybody got down from the trees and went over to her and started a fight. 

Q: what has 14 legs, bad breathe, musty, & doesn't take a bath 
A: I don't know but i'm staying away from it 

hugo watney
www.watney@netcomuk.co.uk 
A man walks into a bar and says to the bar man."I bet you five hundred pounds that i can pee into that glass over there".The bar man says ok.so the guy starts to pee,and he's peeing all over the place .He's peeing on the walls ,on the ceiling,on the barman ,and he's peeing every where exept the glass.So the barman's laughing, with urine dripping off his face and he's realy happy and says ,"you dumb idiot you now owe me five hundred pounds"!So the man goes to the back of the bar where he sees these guys playing snooker ,then comes back to the bar.The guy slaps the money on the bar with a great big grin on his face. "Why are you so happy you just lost five hundred pounds"? "Well see those guys over there,I just bet them a thousand pounds that I could pee on you ,pee on your bar and you not only not be mad about it but you'd be happy"!

A guy walked into a bar with a duck under his arm and the bartender asked, "Where'd ya get the
pig?" The guy lookd at the bartender and said, "It's not a PIG you idiot, it's a DUCK!" The
bartender looked at the guy and said, "I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck!" 

mike otis mma2000@hotmail.com 08/19/00
A preacher skipped his Sunday sermon to go bear hunting. He packs his truck and trusty rifle and heads to the woods. As he is walking through the forest, he hears a movement in the bushes behind him. He turns around and there is a huge grizzly standing there. His first instinct is to take off running. As he is running, he is praying "God, please forgive for skipping church! Answer my one prayer and I will never skip church!" "Please make a christian out of this bear." Instantly the bear drops to his knees and prays "dear Lord bless this food I'm about to receive!"

lenny c. sanchez lennysanchez@hotmail.com 09/16/00
Why is Santa Claus so merry? He knows where all the bad girls live.

what time is it when the clock strikes 13'0clock? time to get a new clock

Q: What do you call a fish with ten I's? A: Fiiiiiiiiish

Q: Why did the coach go to the bank? A: To get his quarter back!

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doc? A: He was feeling kind of crumby!

Q: You're in a dream and there is a stoned wall with no door or no window. There's one mirror through.You have to get out but the only utensils you have are a knife and a gun. How do you get out? A: You wake up!

Q: What do you call two banana peels? A: Slippers