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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?!"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to His Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."


                               A German, a Japanese, and a Mexican .....

Three men, a German, a Japanese and a Mexican were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager", he said. "I have a microschip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobil phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Mexican felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone, he decided to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Mexican finally said......."Ay Dios mio, will you look at that? I'm getting a fax....."


A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."



(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.

(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.

(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

(6) She makes onions cry.

(7) Her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.


"God populated the earth with vegetables of all kinds, so that Man would live a long and healthy life.
And Satan created the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "Want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them!" And Man gained pounds.
And God created healthful yogurt, and Satan froze the yogurt, and brought forth chocolate,
nuts and brightly colored candy to put on top.
And Man gained more pounds.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV, remote control and potato chips. And Man clutched his remote and ate his chips.
Satan saw this and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs..." :lol:


A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem," she complained, "is that it wakes me up."


If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg?

You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard.

Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys.

But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother.

So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!


Are you a Mexican ?

   If you can run and play any sport while wearing chanclas....
Mexican status!!
   If your late Tio left you a van and you turned it into a taco
vending business,
   Yes, you're a Mexican.
   If you have ever hurt yourself and your mamacita rubbed the area
while chanting, "Sana, Sana, Colita de rana....."  You're Mexican, big
   If you have your last name in old English lettering anywhere on
your car, truck, or tattooed on your back.  Yes, you ARE a Mexican
(proud one too).
   If you refer to your wife as your ruca, your hina, your wifa, your
old lady, or your vieja, guess what?  You're a Mexican.
   If you throw a "Grito" every time you hear Vicente Fernandez,
   then not only are you a Mexican, but you are a drunk Mexican.
   If you have ever been pinched in church and been told "pobrecito de
ti si lloras" or "Vas a ver orita que salgamos."  Yes, you're
definitely a Mexican.
   If you grew up scared of someone called La Llorona, or fear the
dark because of El CuCuy!  Yes! Mexican!
   Si te persinas with a lotto ticket in your hand before every
drawing. You're in the Mexican Zone!!!

   If you ask for something by "dame esa chingadera" instead of
calling it by its name.  Yup! Mexican!
   If you constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys" or cake as "kay
ke". You're a Mexican.
   If you use manteca instead of vegetable oil and can't figure out
why your butt is getting bigger......You might be a Mexican.
   If you have some tias that dress up in their prom dresses to go to
a birthday party at "el parque".  You are a Mexican.
   If your Tias and Abuela dress up in their Sunday best with heels
and all to go to the "pulga." (AKA the Flea Market)  Then, yes, you are a
   If most of the houses on your block are painted bright pink, mint
  green, and purple.  Mexican.
   If you use the bushes in front of your house, the fence, or the top
of an old car to dry laundry.  Yes, you're a Mexican.
   If you're congested and your mamasita rubbed "Bicks" into your
nostrils and gives you "jugo de sebolla" with sugar,  (grandma's recipe) to
help relieve your symptoms.  You're Mexican.
   You know your laughing your head off.  It's all in fun, so don't get all
   "adoloridos." Just pass it on so another Mexican can laugh too




Man Schooling:

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....


Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-mesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates degree in MA (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity

MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework!

MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy underclothes for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM

MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception

EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook

EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong

MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence

MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex

MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It

SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower

SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise

MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)

MEN 221 Real Men Ask for Directions

MEN 222 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Forep!lay

MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:

EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu

EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils

EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly

MEN 231 Mothers-in-law

MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening

MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"

ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there...

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?


Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."


Top 21 reasons to know if you’re a real chicano love beer grew up watching and imitating “el chavo del ocho” use to think selena was the most beautiful girl in the world
4.if when ever you asked or told your parents you wanted or when was the age they would let u have a boy/girlfriend,
  they answer you by saying todavia ni sabes   como limpiarte la cola pero ya quires novio/a have tios by the names or nick names: Chuy, Chava, Jose, Juan, Javier eat any kind of chips with: chamois, chile del amor, and lemon go to mexico to buy beer
8.Your mom takes u to mexico to learn how to drive
9.if anytime ur in mexico and make line to cross to the border you feel like crying when u see lil kids go up to ur window and ask for money
10.if when ever u watch t.v. all u watch is novelas
11.if you laugh ur ass of listening to George Lopez
12.if your dad thinks all white people are after Mexicans
13.if when ever u" accidentally" talk back to ur mom she tells u
    “te voy adar unos Buenos chingadasos que te van a quebrar los dientes, haber si me buelbes hablar asi”
14.if when u first started talking English all the gringos would make fun of u cuz u said: jello, picza, chet, beech, cheir
15.if u have atleast one of ur tias that everyone refers as “la gritona”
16.if u have more than 5 dogs and they all are dying because u always forget to feed them water
17.if your mom dressed u up with ropa that came from los patios till u were 10
18.if someone in your neighborhood sales Mexican candys
19.if u know these songs by memory: el despreciado, jefe de jefes, and all nortno music oldies go to the doctor, dentist, etc… cuz its much cheaper than the U.S.
21.You speak spanglish
                            Corporate Lessons

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and
do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the Rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All
of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very, very high up.


Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to
get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't
got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied
the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched
at the top of the tree. Soon, he was promptly spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there.


Lesson Number Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,
the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile
of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings.

After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she could say a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "Did he give you the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders ... in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift ... which she accepted.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a good look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily reached over and slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself
to remove his hand. Changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologized, "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

Upon his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible
and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A sales representative, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life."

Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answer ed: "Sure, why not?"

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.

All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second

Finally after a fourth night, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.


In Africa, every morning a gazelle awakens knowing that it must outrun the fastest lion if it wants to stay alive.

Every morning, a lion wakes up knowing it must run faster than the
slowest gazelle or it will starve to death.

Moral of the story:
It makes no difference whether you are a gazelle or a lion: When the sun comes up, you had better be hauling ass


1. Don't imagine you can change a man -- unless he's in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander -- it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.


A woman's dilemma...

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat
nice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest
in us when we take the initiative.

NOW ....WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?? Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with...


My Big MEXICAN Wedding

*Nobody has invitations . .. only maps.

*Family orders the invitations 3 months in advance and mails them out a day before . . ...then calls.

*An average of 12 people attend per invitation.

*Hispanics never RSVP.

* The wedding party rolls up to the church in Lowriders.

*No one goes to church for the wedding, but EVERYONE goes to the reception.

*All the centerpieces are gone . .. and the reception has just started.

*Everyone's kids are running around crazy and all you want to do is throw a bottle at them.

*La comida has rice and beans and macaroni salad.

*People are taking food plates home . . .. "para manana."

*People are taking huge pieces of cake home . . and telling others "alla hay mas."

*One of the relatives is drunk and hugging everyone telling them . . .. "te quiero mucho."

*The brides "Tio Cha Cho" (the one who always gets into trouble) is drunk (as always) and picking
fights with people from the grooms family

*The dollar dance lasts over an hour with the same tune... .. and that's Only with relatives.

*There are nine bridesmaids. And nine sets of "padrinos"

Everyone wants to be a "madrina" for your wedding.

The cake was made by "la senora que hace los cakes" instead of the bakery.

The wedding ends at midnight "en el salon" but ends at 6:00 a.m. at the bride's house.

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her
panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing
a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was
lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her
ass that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget


A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."


Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

What did God say after creating man?
"I must be able to do better than that."

What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect." :wink:

How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small. :lol:

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where
she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,

a carton of eggs,

a quart of orange juice,

a head of romaine lettuce,

a 2 lb. can of coffee, and

a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she
placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the
drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but
she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since
she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on
the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well,
you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on
earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly


Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together. The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been.

The white guy says, "My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night".

The black guy says "I can't get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?"

The white guy says, "I read her poetry every night."

His black friend then asks, "What kind of poetry?"

The white guy replies, "Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you." Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it - it's a sure thing!

The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling.

The white man asks, "What happened?!"

The black man says, "Man, don't ever speak to me again!"

The curious white man asks, "Well, what did you say to her?"

The black man replies, 'Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bitch, and take it like a dog!!"


only in america...can a pizza get to your house faster than a ambulance.

only in america.. are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

only in america... do drugstores make sick walk all the way to back of the store to get their prescriptions while heathly people can buy cigarettes at the front of the store.

only in america... do we leave our cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

only in we use answering machines to screen calls from family and friends and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

only in we buy hot dogs buns in a package of eight and hot dogs come in package of ten.

only in they drive-up to ATM machine to get money and at the same time have gas pump suck it all up.

only in america... do we use the politics to describe the process so well: "poli"-in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "BLOODSUCKING CREATURES"

only in america... could a homeless combat veteran lives in cardboard box while a draft dodging, lying weasel lives in the White House


If you can run and play any sport while wearing chanclas, Mexican status!!

If your late tio left you a van and you turned it into a taco vending business, Yes, you're a Mexican.

If you have ever hurt yourself and your mamacita rubbed the area while chanting, "Sana, Sana, Colita de rana....." You're
Mexican, big time!!!

If you have your last name in old English lettering anywhere on your car, truck, or tattooed on your back.
Yes, You ARE a Mexican (proud one too).

If you refer to your wife as; your ruca, your hina, your wifey, your old lady, or your vieja. guess what?
You're a Mexican.

If you throw a "Grito" every time you hear Vicente Fernandez, Then not only are you a Mexican, but you
are a drunk Mexican.

If you have ever been pinched in church and been told "pobrecito de ti si lloras" or "Vas a ver orita que salgamos."
Yes, you're definitely a Mexican.

If you grew up scared of someone called La Llorona, or fear the dark because of El CuCuy! Yes! Mexican!

Si te persinas with a lotto ticket in your hand before every drawing. You're in the Mexican Zone!!!

If you constantly refer to cereal as "con fleys" or cake as "kay ke" You're a Mexican.
If you use manteca instead of vegetable oil and can't figure out why your butt is getting bigger... You
might be a Mexican.

If you have some tias that dress up in their prom dresses to go to a birthday party at "el parque" You
are a Mexican.

If your tias and abuela dress up in their Sunday best with heels and all to go to the "pulga." (AKA the Flea
Market) Then, yes, you are a Mexican.

If most of the houses on your block are painted bright pink, mint green, and purple. Mexican.

If you use the bushes in front of your house, the fence, or the top of an old car to dry laundry. Yes,
your a Mexican.

If you're congested and your mamasita rubbed "Bicks" into your nostrils and gives you "jugo de sebolla"


You know your Latino,Chicano, Hispano...if 

You Have a knob from the oven on your television. (bonus points if you got aluminum foil for an antenna)
If "Pegale al gordo", means you won the lotto!
If your daughter is asked to do an essay, and she gets pregnant.
If you own more than three cars, but only one works.
If you got a porcelain elephant in your living room for good luck. (bonus points if its only good luck if the elephants ass is facing the front door.)
If you use Aquanet hair spray.
If you use Aquanet, instead of RAID to kill bugs.
If you wear a black bra with a white tube top.
If you rent zoot suits instead of a tux at prom.
If you swear that Menudo cures a hangover.
If you hate Jehovah Witness and don't know why.
If your dad made you take off his work boots when you where a kid.
If you make 1,000,000 tamales for Christmas
If you go to Mexico and realize you don't know Spanish.
If your teacher gets stuck pronouncing your name on roll call.
If a vacation to you is a trip to the Lake an hour away from home.
If you ever gone on a 60 hour drive to Mexico.
If you got your calendar from a carneceria
If when you don't believe something you say, "For reals...?"
If you go to the bank to withdraw $3.00.
If you only put $3.00 of gas in your car.
If you use manteca for everything you cook.
If your car color is primer.
If your favorite cartoon character is Speedy Gonzalez (bonus points if you remember Slow Poke Rodriguez).
If you go to the pulga every weekend.
You learned Spanish from watching Don Francisco on Sabado Gigante every weekend!
If you need to point out how much something you just bought cost.
If your mom/dad has 8 brothers and 7 sisters.
If you go to church to get a date.
If you driver a "Cheby", an "Ohsmobeel" or a "Bolswahgon".
If your favorite super hero growing up was El Chapulin Colorado .
If you write to someone in jail.
If your favorite song is an oldie.
If you make enchiladas with government cheese.
with sugar, (grandma's recipe) to help relieve your


Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....

Snappy Answer #6

THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever! A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, " Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

The Chicano Kids

It was the first day of school for the kindergarten class, as the teacher walked in the classroom, she noticed something was written on the chalkboard: "T T T 1A." She looked at the children and said, "Who wrote this?" Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher." "Well, what does that mean, Johnny?" asked the teacher. Johnny answers, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Apple,'" and with that, he gave the teacher an apple. "Very good," says the teacher, "Thank You."

The next morning, the teacher walks in the classroom, and notices, once again, something written on the board. This time the chalkboard reads: "T T T 1O." She asked the children, "Who wrote this?" Then little Bobby answers, "I did, teacher." The teacher says, "Well, Bobby, what does that mean?" Bobby says, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange,'" and he gives the teacher an orange. "Very good, Bobby, thank you."

The next morning, she walks in the classroom, and she noticed on the board. "F U C K 1 T." Disappointed, the teacher exclaimed, "WHO WROTE THIS!!" Then little Juanito raises his hand and says, "I did, teacher." Angrily, the teacher asks, "Well, what does this mean, Juanito?" "It means, 'From Us Chicano Kids 1 Tamale.'"


Postby Marty » Wed Oct 10, 2007 1:04 pm
A Mexican lady was walking along the bank of the L.A. River when she stumbled upon an old empty cerveza bottle. She picked it up, rubbed it, and SNAP!!! a Genie appeared. She talked with him awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her 'ONE' wish.

She said to the Genie, "I heard from mi prima that I could get three wishes if I ever found a Genie." The Genie then said, "Oh no, sorry, esa. Three-wish genies are story-tale myth. I'm a ONE-WISH Genie Uno, no mas! So..que quieres?"

The lady didn't hesitate. She said, "I want Peace in the Middle East . See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Gringos and I want all the Jews and Gringos to love the Arabs. It will bring world peace and harmony." she continued.

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Orale! BE REASONABLE!..... Those fools have pedo that goes back thousands of years, chale! I'm out of shape after being in that bottle for five hundred years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it can be done. PLEASE make another wish and please be reasonable."

The lady thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. I want a Mexican boyfriend....You know, one that DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, nice y fun, likes cumbias, and helps with cleaning la casa. I want him to be great in bed and get along con mi familia, and is FAITHFUL and doesn't throw chingasos at me. That's what I wish for....a good Mexican man!"

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his cabeza and said,
"Chingada vieja!!!......Let me see that pinchi map again!


Mexican words of the day:|

The teacher told Pepito to use the word Cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, pero cheese fat.

"Shoulder." . . .

My tia wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

"TEXAS " . . .

My ruca always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at! ALSO: My Pinche friend always TEXAS me with dumb Jokes.

"Herpes"....Me and my ruca ordered pizza.

I got mine piece and she got herpes.

”Rectum" . . .

I had 2 cars pero my wife rectum!

"Juarez" . . .

"One day my abuelita slapped me and I said juarez your problem?"

"CHICKEN" . . . .

"I was going to go to the store with my wife pero chicken go herself.

“TISSUE” . . . . . If u don’t know how 2 do it let me tissue.


“CHAIR” . . . . .

I was about 2 eat a bag of candy, them my mom said; “Mira Cabron u better Chair”

“ORCHATA” . . . . I told this guy 2 either do something about it orchata hell up.

“PUTA” . . . . . .


“HIGHWAY” . . . .

I turned around in bed, looked at my wife n said; Highway put sum makeup on, u scare me!

“ CHILE ” . . . . .

I asked my Mom 2 let me go 2 da movies n chile me go!

“SODA” . . . . .

My vieja likes to get freeky and Sodas her sister!

“LIVER & CHEESE” . Some Vato tried to sweet talk my Ruca.

I told him; “Orale Loco Liver Alone Cheese Mine”.






What did Davy Crocket say when he saw all the mexicans running towards the alamo?

Who ordered concrete?

What is the difference between a Mexican and an elevator?

One can raise a child.

What do you call a Mexican with a new car?

A felon

Why are there no Mexicans in Star Trek?

They don't work in the future either!

Did you hear about the two car pile-up in the Walmart parking lot?

50 Mexicans died

Why do mexican kids walk around school like they own the place?

Because their dads built it and their mom clean it.

What's a mexican's favorite sport?

cross country

Why cant mexicans play uno?

Because they always steal the green card

2 mexicans are in a car, who is driving?

A cop

Why can't mexicans be firemen?

They can't tell the difference between jose and hose b

Why were there only 5,000 mexican soldiers at the battle of Alamo?

They only had 2 vans.

What do you call a group of stoned mexicans?

Baked beans

When a Mexican runs into a wall whats the first thing that hits?

His Lawn Mower

How do you stop a Mexican tank?

Shoot the guy pushing it.

What is the difference between a Mexican and a bucket of crap...?

the bucket

What do you call a mexican baptism?

Bean dip

What do you call a mexican that can't do any thing?

A mexican't

What is the difference between a pizza and a mexican?

A pizza can feed a family of four

What do you get when you cross a Mexican and a black person?

Somebody too lazy to steal.

What do you call a mexican that is barefoot and stepped in poop with his toe?


 If there was a maze with with a million dollars in the center who do you think would win: the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a smart mexican, or dumb mexican?

The dumb mexican, the rest don't exist.

Why don't mexicans cross the border in 3's?

Because it says no trespassing

What do you call a midget mexican?

Paragraph because he is to short to be an essay

Why doesn't the border have electric wires?

Because Mexicans will steal the electricity to power their house.

Why are Mexicans so short?

They all live in basement apartments.

How Do You Starve A Mexican?

Put Their Food Stamps In Their Work Boots.

What do you call 100 mexicans working on a roof?


Juan,carlos,and antonio all jump off a cliff to see who will hit the ground first. who wins?


What do you call mexican basketball?

Juan on Juan.

Did you hear about the winner of the mexican beauty contest?

Me neither.

What do you get when you cross a mexican with an octopuss?

I don't know but it could pick lettuce good.

Why don't mexicans bbq?

The beans fall through the little holes.

What are the first 3 words in every mexican cookbook?

steal a chicken

Did you hear about that one mexican that went to college?

yeah.. me neither

What do you call 4 Mexicans in quicksand?

Cuatro Cinco

how do you stop a mexican from robbing your house?

put up a help-wanted sign

What's the difference between a bench and a Mexican?

A bench can support a family (sorry, that one is really mean)

What is it when a Mexican is taking a shower?

A miracle.

What do you call a pool with a mexican in it?

Bean Dip.

What do Mexicans pick in the off season?

Their nose.

A bunch of Mexicans are running down a hill, what is going on?

Jail Break.

What do you call a Mexican driving a BMW?

Grand Theft Auto.

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Any Mexican that can run jump or swim is in the US!

Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?

He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. (burn)

Why do Mexicans drive low riders?

They are too short to get into any other type of car.

What is the greatest Mexican invention?

A solar powered flash light.

Why do Mexicans re-fry their beans?

Have you seen a Mexican do anything right the first time?

What do you do when a Mexican is riding a bike?

Chase after him, it's probably yours!

Why are Mexicans so short?

When they're young, their parents say, "When you get bigger you have to get a good job."

What do you call a Mexican without a lawn mower?


How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Doesn't matter, they're to short to reach the socket.

How do you get 50 Mexicans is a phone booth?

Throw food stamps in it.

An Arab, Frenchman, American and a Mexican are riding down the highway. The Arab picks up an AK-47. He shoots a couple of rounds and then throws the gun out the window. The American asks him why he through the gun out the window and the Arab says they have so many of those where he is from he doesn't care about what happens to them.

The Frenchman picks up a bottle of wine and drinks a little and throws it out the window. The American asks him why he tossed it. The Frenchman says they have so much of it where he is from he doesn't care what happens to it.

The American picks up the Mexican and throws him out the window.

Two Americans and a Mexican are exploring in Africa and they stumble upon a tribe. The chief of the tribe tells the explorers that they are going to get fruit shoved up their butts and if they laugh they are going to get killed. Luckly, the Chief tells them they get to pick their own fruit. The two whittes pick berries and the Chief shoves it up their butts. They both laugh their heads off. In heaven God asks them why they laughed. And the Americans reply, "The Mexican picked a watermelon."

A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, "Mom, look - I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother." The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!"

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?





Are You The Perfect Chicano Schmuck?

I get all my news from major media sources and it is accurate, truthful, and good journalism. ___ ___
I believe the US two party system actually elects the President and Congressional members. ___ ___
I think paper money is worth something and Wall Street is necessary. ___ ___
I believe all my votes are counted and tabulated accurately and honestly. ___ ___
I think wars are necessary and inevitable, and that there are actually "rebels" behind the "problems" in the Mid East. ___ ___
I think the TSA is there to protect me. ___ ___
I think the EPA totally cares for, and works to protect, the natural environment, for citizens. ___ ___
I think the FDA totally cares for, and works to protect, the safety of the national food supply for citizens. ___ ___
I think the CDC totally cares for, and works to protect, the health and safety of citizens. ___ ___
I believe a difference of opinion or belief, religious or otherwise, and concerns about illegal immigration, gay marriage or abortion equals "hate". ___ ___
I think Lady Gaga is awesome. ___ ___
I think sex is just sex, and morals are passe'. ___ ___
I think the Federal Reserve is just a big government bank and is necessary, trustworthy, and has my best interest at heart.. ___ ___
I think "conspiracy theories" like Obama's origin, UFO's, 911, OKC, the Aurora shootings, the NWO, "chemtrails", Morgellons, etc are all bunk. They wouldn't do thaaaaaat. ___ ___
I believe government entitlement programs like welfare and subsidies are rights. ___ ___
I think cell phones, smart meters, x-rays, and wireless technologies, and nuclear energy are safe. ___ ___
I think Wal Mart is awesome. ___ ___
I think the opening ceremonies of the 2012 Olympics were awesome. ___ ___
I know more about football or who's on Dancing With the Stars than what is happening in my child's classroom. ___ ___
I think vaccines and fluoridated water and anti-depressants are safe, and for my benefit. ___ ___
I think marijuana is the devil's weed and dangerous with no medicinal benefits whatsoever. ___ ___
I think race, gender, or age make a difference. ___ ___
I think owning guns for protection of life and property is wrong and dangerous. ___ ___
I think the government has my best interest at heart. ___ ___
I think, "What's love got to do with it?" ___ ___
I think Facebook and Twitter are awesome. ___ ___
I think I am not a slave. ___ ___


To determine your score and find out how big of a chicano schmuck you are...add up your "Yes" responses and check the legend below:

0..You are a rare breed, nearly extinct. You don't "think", you know that you are not a slave. You need to reproduce immediately. You strike fear into the holes where the hearts of the evil creeps in charge should be. May the force be with you. Namaste'.

1 - 6..Obviously you have a clue as to what is going on in the US and across the world, and are most likely losing sleep, or are at least mildly depressed. (Try to stay off the meds.) Tackling those last few areas will be difficult, but try to endure. You're worth it.

7 - 12..Although you may have a grasp of the reality of some issues, you are still holding on to some illusions. You think Alex Jones is a "truth seeker". You could benefit from more research and self determination. Think of it as taking your selfhood back.

13 - 19..You are well on your way to becoming a successful schmuck. Look forward to increasing relinquishment of your personal power.

20 - 26..You are what is commonly referred to as a "sheeple", which, like schmuck, is a perjorative. Good Luck.

27..You are a Perfect schmuck! And I mean that in the nicest way possible. So you know what that makes you. You are totally compromised as a true planetary human being and US citizen. You have played right into their hands, and should seek help immediately, if it's not too late already.

Wasn't that fun?

So, now you know your score. Some of you may take that information and have a "light bulb" moment and try to escape the path to Schmucktopia. I wish you well on your honorable quest.

The rest of you?'ll just keep on being schmucky, more, or less, I suppose. For the sake of this nation, and humanity, I hope it's less.