1. Don't imagine you can
change a man -- unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend
walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon -- they
should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander --
it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as
well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same -- they just
have different faces, so that you can
tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who
has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men -- most
of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something
is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a
real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in
a mental hospital.
-------------------------------------------------
A woman's
dilemma...
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual
men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but
are nice men, have no money
6. The men who are not so handsome, but
are nice men with money think we are
only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are
after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice
and somewhat heterosexual, don't think
we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful,
that are heterosexual, somewhat
nice and have money, are cowards.
10. The men who are somewhat handsome,
somewhat nice and have some money and
thank God are heterosexual, are shy and
NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11. The men who never make the first
move, automatically lose interest
in us when we take the initiative.
NOW ....WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN??
Men are like a fine wine. They all start
out like grapes, and it's a woman's job
to stomp on them and keep them in the
dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Big MEXICAN
Wedding
*Nobody has invitations . .. only maps.
*Family orders the invitations 3 months
in advance and mails them out a day
before . . ...then calls.
*An average of 12 people attend per
invitation.
*Hispanics never RSVP.
* The wedding party rolls up to the
church in Lowriders.
*No one goes to church for the wedding,
but EVERYONE goes to the reception.
*All the centerpieces are gone . .. and
the reception has just started.
*Everyone's kids are running around
crazy and all you want to do is throw a
bottle at them.
*La comida has rice and beans and
macaroni salad.
*People are taking food plates home . .
.. "para manana."
*People are taking huge pieces of cake
home . . and telling others "alla hay
mas."
*One of the relatives is drunk and
hugging everyone telling them . . .. "te
quiero mucho."
*The brides "Tio Cha Cho" (the one who
always gets into trouble) is drunk (as
always) and picking
fights with people from the grooms
family
*The dollar dance lasts over an hour
with the same tune... .. and that's Only
with relatives.
*There are nine bridesmaids. And nine
sets of "padrinos"
Everyone wants to be a
"madrina" for your wedding.
The cake was made by "la senora que hace
los cakes" instead of the bakery.
The wedding ends at midnight "en el
salon" but ends at 6:00 a.m. at the
bride's house.
-------------------------------------------------------------
Two women friends had
gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been
decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home, they
needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one
of them suggested they do their business
behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with
so she thought she'd take off her
panties, use them, then throw them away.
Her friend, however, was wearing
a rather expensive underwear set and
didn't want to ruin hers but was
lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a
wreath that was on one of the graves and
proceeded to wipe herself with that.
After finishing, they then made off for
home.
The next day the first woman's husband
phoned the other husband and said,
"These damn girls night out have got to
stop. My wife came home last night
without her panties."
"That's nothing, said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck
between the cheeks of her
ass that said, "From All of Us At the
Fire Station, We'll Never Forget
You."
---------------------------------------------------------------
A woman and man get
into a car accident. Both of their cars
are totally demolished, but amazingly
neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage,
the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -
there's nothing left! Thank God we are
all right. This must be a sign from Him
that we should be friends and not try to
pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with
you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the
ground and says, "And here's another
miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch
from my back seat didn't break. Surely
God wants us to drink this Scotch and
celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement,
opens it, and chugs about a third of the
bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands
it back to the woman. The woman takes
the bottle, immediately puts the cap
back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll
just wait for the police..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why does it take
1 million sperm to fertilize one
egg?
They won't stop to ask
directions.
What do men and sperm have in
common?
They both have a
one-in-a-million chance of
becoming a human being.
How does a man show that he is
planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
How many honest, intelligent,
caring men in the world does it
take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road?
He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during
foreplay?
They don't have time.
What is the difference between
men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to
change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never
happened.
Why is it difficult to find men
who are sensitive, caring and
good looking?
They all already have
boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who
knows where her husband is every
night?
A widow.
When do you care for a man's
company?
When he owns it.
What are a woman's four favorite
animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar
in the garage, a tiger in the
bedroom, and an ass to pay for
it all.
Why are married women heavier
than single women?
Single women come home, see
what's in the fridge and go to
bed.
Married women come home, see
what's in bed and go to the
fridge.
How do you get a man to do
sit-ups?
Put the remote control between
his toes.
What did God say after creating
man?
"I must be able to do better
than that."
What did God say after creating
Eve?
"Practice makes perfect." :wink:
How are men and parking spots
alike?
Good ones are always taken. Free
ones are mostly handicapped or
extremely small. :lol:
What is the one thing that all
men at singles bars have in
common?
They're married.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
A
woman was shopping
at her local
supermarket where
she selected:
a half-gallon of 2%
milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange
juice,
a head of romaine
lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of
coffee, and
a 1 lb. package of
bacon.
As she was unloading
her items on the
conveyor belt to
check out, a drunk
standing behind her
watched as she
placed the items in
front of the
cashier.
While the cashier
was ringing up her
purchases, the
drunk calmly stated,
"You must be
single."
The woman was a bit
startled by this
proclamation, but
she was intrigued by
the derelict's
intuition, since
she was indeed
single. She looked
at her six items on
the belt and saw
nothing particularly
unusual about
her selections that
could have tipped
off the drunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting
the better of her,
she said "Well,
you know what,
you're absolutely
correct. But how on
earth did you know
that?"
The drunk replied,
"Cause you're ugly
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two
friends, a white guy and a
black guy, both work
together. The white guy came
in late one morning and his
black friend asks where he
had been.
The white guy says, "My wife
gives me good sex every
night and she kept me up
really late last night".
The black guy says "I can't
get my wife to have sex with
me, no matter what! How do
you do it?"
The white guy says, "I read
her poetry every night."
His black friend then asks,
"What kind of poetry?"
The white guy replies,
"Blondie, blondie, eyes so
blue, how I want to make
love to you." Then the white
guy tells his friend to go
home and try it - it's a
sure thing!
The next morning the black
guy was about 2 hours late.
When he comes in, he has a
black eye and his arm is in
a sling.
The white man asks, "What
happened?!"
The black man says, "Man,
don't ever speak to me
again!"
The curious white man asks,
"Well, what did you say to
her?"
The black man replies,
'Nappy head, nappy head,
eyes like a frog, bend over
bitch, and take it like a
dog!!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
only in
america...can a pizza get to
your house faster than a
ambulance.
only in america.. are there
handicap parking places in
front of a skating rink.
only in america... do
drugstores make sick walk
all the way to back of the
store to get their
prescriptions while heathly
people can buy cigarettes at
the front of the store.
only in america... do we
leave our cars worth
thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless
junk in the garage.
only in america...do we use
answering machines to screen
calls from family and
friends and then have call
waiting so we won't miss a
call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first
place.
only in america...do we buy
hot dogs buns in a package
of eight and hot dogs come
in package of ten.
only in america...do they
drive-up to ATM machine to
get money and at the same
time have gas pump suck it
all up.
only in america... do we use
the politics to describe the
process so well: "poli"-in
latin meaning "many" and
"tics" meaning "BLOODSUCKING
CREATURES"
only in america... could a
homeless combat veteran
lives in cardboard box while
a draft dodging, lying
weasel lives in the White
House
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If you can
run and play any sport while
wearing chanclas, Mexican
status!!
If your late tio left you a
van and you turned it into a
taco vending business, Yes,
you're a Mexican.
If you have ever hurt
yourself and your mamacita
rubbed the area while
chanting, "Sana, Sana,
Colita de rana....." You're
Mexican, big time!!!
If you have your last name
in old English lettering
anywhere on your car, truck,
or tattooed on your back.
Yes, You ARE a Mexican
(proud one too).
If you refer to your wife
as; your ruca, your hina,
your wifey, your old lady,
or your vieja. guess what?
You're a Mexican.
If you throw a "Grito" every
time you hear Vicente
Fernandez, Then not only are
you a Mexican, but you
are a drunk Mexican.
If you have ever been
pinched in church and been
told "pobrecito de ti si
lloras" or "Vas a ver orita
que salgamos."
Yes, you're definitely a
Mexican.
If you grew up scared of
someone called La Llorona,
or fear the dark because of
El CuCuy! Yes! Mexican!
Si te persinas with a lotto
ticket in your hand before
every drawing. You're in the
Mexican Zone!!!
If you constantly refer to
cereal as "con fleys" or
cake as "kay ke" You're a
Mexican.
If you use manteca instead
of vegetable oil and can't
figure out why your butt is
getting bigger... You
might be a Mexican.
If you have some tias that
dress up in their prom
dresses to go to a birthday
party at "el parque" You
are a Mexican.
If your tias and abuela
dress up in their Sunday
best with heels and all to
go to the "pulga." (AKA the
Flea
Market) Then, yes, you are a
Mexican.
If most of the houses on
your block are painted
bright pink, mint green, and
purple. Mexican.
If you use the bushes in
front of your house, the
fence, or the top of an old
car to dry laundry. Yes,
your a Mexican.
If you're congested and your
mamasita rubbed "Bicks" into
your nostrils and gives you
"jugo de sebolla"
------------------------------------------------------------
You know your Latino,Chicano, Hispano...if
You Have a
knob from the oven on your
television. (bonus points if
you got aluminum foil for an
antenna)
If "Pegale al gordo", means
you won the lotto!
If your daughter is asked to
do an essay, and she gets
pregnant.
If you own more than three
cars, but only one works.
If you got a porcelain
elephant in your living room
for good luck. (bonus points
if its only good luck if the
elephants ass is facing the
front door.)
If you use Aquanet hair
spray.
If you use Aquanet, instead
of RAID to kill bugs.
If you wear a black bra with
a white tube top.
If you rent zoot suits
instead of a tux at prom.
If you swear that Menudo
cures a hangover.
If you hate Jehovah Witness
and don't know why.
If your dad made you take
off his work boots when you
where a kid.
If you make 1,000,000
tamales for Christmas
If you go to Mexico and
realize you don't know
Spanish.
If your teacher gets stuck
pronouncing your name on
roll call.
If a vacation to you is a
trip to the Lake an hour
away from home.
If you ever gone on a 60
hour drive to Mexico.
If you got your calendar
from a carneceria
If when you don't believe
something you say, "For
reals...?"
If you go to the bank to
withdraw $3.00.
If you only put $3.00 of gas
in your car.
If you use manteca for
everything you cook.
If your car color is primer.
If your favorite cartoon
character is Speedy Gonzalez
(bonus points if you
remember Slow Poke
Rodriguez).
If you go to the pulga every
weekend.
You learned Spanish from
watching Don Francisco on
Sabado Gigante every
weekend!
If you need to point out how
much something you just
bought cost.
If your mom/dad has 8
brothers and 7 sisters.
If you go to church to get a
date.
If you driver a "Cheby", an
"Ohsmobeel" or a "Bolswahgon".
If your favorite super hero
growing up was El Chapulin
Colorado .
If you write to someone in
jail.
If your favorite song is an
oldie.
If you make enchiladas with
government cheese.
with sugar, (grandma's
recipe) to help relieve your
symptoms,
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Snappy Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the
departure gate to check tickets. As a
man approached, she extended her hand
for the ticket, and he opened his trench
coat and flashed her without missing a
beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your
ticket, not your stub."
Snappy Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her
family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these
turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy
replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Snappy Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid
who was stopped for speeding rolled down
his window. "I've been waiting for you
all day," the cop said. The kid replied,
"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I
could." When the cop finally stopped
laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
Snappy Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the
freeway. A sign comes up that reads Low
Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the
bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed
up for miles. Finally, a police car
comes up. The cop gets out of his car
and walks around to the truck driver,
puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and
ran out of gas."
Snappy Answer #5
A crowded United Airlines flight was
canceled. A single agent was re-booking
a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
way to the desk. He slapped his ticket
down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to
be on this flight and it has to be FIRST
CLASS." The agent replied, I'm sorry
sir. I'll be happy to try to help you,
but I've got to help these folks first,
and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out." The passenger was
unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear,
"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without
hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed
her public address microphone. "May I
have your attention please," she began
her voice heard clearly throughout the
terminal. "We have a passenger here at
Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to Gate 14." With the folks
behind him in line laughing
hysterically, the man glared at the
United agent, gritted his teeth and
swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching she
smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but
you'll have to get in line for that,
too."
And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....
Snappy Answer #6
THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR A
college teacher reminds her class of
tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not
being here tomorrow. I might consider a
nuclear attack or a serious personal
injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever! A smart-ass guy in
the back of the room raised his hand and
asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I
said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire
class does its best to stifle their
laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles
sympathetically at the student, shakes
her head, and sweetly says, " Well, I
guess you'd have to write the exam with
your other hand.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The Chicano Kids
It was the first day of school for the
kindergarten class, as the teacher
walked in the classroom, she noticed
something was written on the chalkboard:
"T T T 1A." She looked at the children
and said, "Who wrote this?" Little
Johnny raises his hand and says, "I did,
teacher." "Well, what does that mean,
Johnny?" asked the teacher. Johnny
answers, "It means, 'To The Teacher 1
Apple,'" and with that, he gave the
teacher an apple. "Very good," says the
teacher, "Thank You."
The next morning, the teacher walks in
the classroom, and notices, once again,
something written on the board. This
time the chalkboard reads: "T T T 1O."
She asked the children, "Who wrote
this?" Then little Bobby answers, "I
did, teacher." The teacher says, "Well,
Bobby, what does that mean?" Bobby says,
"It means, 'To The Teacher 1 Orange,'"
and he gives the teacher an orange.
"Very good, Bobby, thank you."
The next morning, she walks in the
classroom, and she noticed on the board.
"F U C K 1 T." Disappointed, the teacher
exclaimed, "WHO WROTE THIS!!" Then
little Juanito raises his hand and says,
"I did, teacher." Angrily, the teacher
asks, "Well, what does this mean,
Juanito?" "It means, 'From Us Chicano
Kids 1 Tamale.'"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A CHICANO GENIE
Postby Marty » Wed Oct 10, 2007 1:04 pm
A Mexican lady was walking along the
bank of the L.A. River when she stumbled
upon an old empty cerveza bottle. She
picked it up, rubbed it, and SNAP!!! a
Genie appeared. She talked with him
awhile then the Genie told her he would
grant her 'ONE' wish.
She said to the Genie, "I heard from mi
prima that I could get three wishes if I
ever found a Genie." The Genie then
said, "Oh no, sorry, esa. Three-wish
genies are story-tale myth. I'm a
ONE-WISH Genie Uno, no mas! So..que
quieres?"
The lady didn't hesitate. She said, "I
want Peace in the Middle East . See this
map? I want these countries to stop
fighting with each other and I want all
the Arabs to love Jews and Gringos and I
want all the Jews and Gringos to love
the Arabs. It will bring world peace and
harmony." she continued.
The Genie looked at the map and
exclaimed, "Orale! BE REASONABLE!.....
Those fools have pedo that goes back
thousands of years, chale! I'm out of
shape after being in that bottle for
five hundred years. I'm good, but NOT
THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it can be
done. PLEASE make another wish and
please be reasonable."
The lady thought for a minute and said,
"Well, I've never been able to find the
right man. I want a Mexican
boyfriend....You know, one that DOESN'T
DRINK ALCOHOL, nice y fun, likes cumbias,
and helps with cleaning la casa. I want
him to be great in bed and get along con
mi familia, and is FAITHFUL and doesn't
throw chingasos at me. That's what I
wish for....a good Mexican man!"
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his
cabeza and said,
"Chingada vieja!!!......Let me see that
pinchi map again!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Mexican words of the day:|
The teacher told Pepito to use the word
Cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies:
Maria likes me, pero cheese fat.
"Shoulder." . . .
My tia wanted 2 become a citizen but she
didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
"TEXAS " . . .
My ruca always Texas me when I'm not
home wondering where I'm at! ALSO: My
Pinche friend always TEXAS me with dumb
Jokes.
"Herpes"....Me and my ruca ordered
pizza.
I got mine piece and she got herpes.
”Rectum" . . .
I had 2 cars pero my wife rectum!
"Juarez" . . .
"One day my abuelita slapped me and I
said juarez your problem?"
"CHICKEN" . . . .
"I was going to go to the store with my
wife pero chicken go herself.
!
“TISSUE” . . . . . If u don’t know how 2
do it let me tissue.
“MUSHROOM” . . . . WHEN ALL MY FAMILY
GETS IN THE CAR, THERES NOT MUSHROOM.
“CHAIR” . . . . .
I was about 2 eat a bag of candy, them
my mom said; “Mira Cabron u better
Chair”
“ORCHATA” . . . . I told this guy 2
either do something about it orchata
hell up.
“PUTA” . . . . . .
PUTA PHONE DOWN AND GET BACK TO WORK!!
“HIGHWAY” . . . .
I turned around in bed, looked at my
wife n said; Highway put sum makeup on,
u scare me!
“ CHILE ” . . . . .
I asked my Mom 2 let me go 2 da movies n
chile me go!
“SODA” . . . . .
My vieja likes to get freeky and Sodas
her sister!
“LIVER & CHEESE” . Some Vato tried to
sweet talk my Ruca.
I told him; “Orale Loco Liver Alone
Cheese Mine”.
MEXICAN JOKES:
U KNOW WHY MEXICAN WALK AROUND SCHOOL
ALL BAD LIKE THEY OWN IT? BECAUSE THEIR
DAD BUILT IT AND THEIR MOM CLEANS IT.
WHY DID THE BLOND SLEEP WITH THE
MEXICAN? BECAUSE HER TEACHER TOLD HER
FOR EXTRA CREDIT SHE COULD DO AN ESSAY.
WHY DO MEXICANS ONLY TIE ONE SHOE?
BECAUSE ON DA BOTTOM OF DA SHOE IT READS
“ TAIWAN ”.
WHY DON’T MEXICANS EVER CROSS THE BORDER
3 AT A TIME? CUZ THE SIGN SAYS: NO TRES
PASSING
What did Davy Crocket say when
he saw all the mexicans running towards
the alamo?
Who ordered concrete?
-----
What is the difference between a Mexican
and an elevator?
One can raise a child.
-----
What do you call a Mexican with a new
car?
A felon
-----
Why are there no Mexicans in Star Trek?
They don't work in the future either!
-----
Did you hear about the two car pile-up
in the Walmart parking lot?
50 Mexicans died
-----
Why do mexican kids walk around school
like they own the place?
Because their dads built it and their
mom clean it.
-----
What's a mexican's favorite sport?
cross country
-----
Why cant mexicans play uno?
Because they always steal the green card
-----
2 mexicans are in a car, who is driving?
A cop
-----
Why can't mexicans be firemen?
They can't tell the difference between
jose and hose b
-----
Why were there only 5,000 mexican
soldiers at the battle of Alamo?
They only had 2 vans.
-----
What do you call a group of stoned
mexicans?
Baked beans
-----
When a Mexican runs into a wall whats
the first thing that hits?
His Lawn Mower
-----
How do you stop a Mexican tank?
Shoot the guy pushing it.
-----
What is the difference between a Mexican
and a bucket of crap...?
the bucket
-----
What do you call a mexican baptism?
Bean dip
-----
What do you call a mexican that can't do
any thing?
A mexican't
-----
What is the difference between a pizza
and a mexican?
A pizza can feed a family of four
-----
What do you get when you cross a Mexican
and a black person?
Somebody too lazy to steal.
-----
What do you call a mexican that is
barefoot and stepped in poop with his
toe?
A PUTO
-----
If there was a maze with with a million
dollars in the center who do you think
would win: the Easter Bunny, Santa
Claus, a smart mexican, or dumb mexican?
The dumb mexican, the rest don't exist.
-----
Why don't mexicans cross the border in
3's?
Because it says no trespassing
-----
What do you call a midget mexican?
Paragraph because he is to short to be
an essay
-----
Why doesn't the border have electric
wires?
Because Mexicans will steal the
electricity to power their house.
-----
Why are Mexicans so short?
They all live in basement apartments.
-----
How Do You Starve A Mexican?
Put Their Food Stamps In Their Work
Boots.
-----
What do you call 100 mexicans working on
a roof?
Chingos
-----
Juan,carlos,and antonio all jump off a
cliff to see who will hit the ground
first. who wins?
Society.
-----
What do you call mexican basketball?
Juan on Juan.
-----
Did you hear about the winner of the
mexican beauty contest?
Me neither.
-----
What do you get when you cross a mexican
with an octopuss?
I don't know but it could pick lettuce
good.
-----
Why don't mexicans bbq?
The beans fall through the little holes.
-----
What are the first 3 words in every
mexican cookbook?
steal a chicken
-----
Did you hear about that one mexican that
went to college?
yeah.. me neither
-----
What do you call 4 Mexicans in
quicksand?
Cuatro Cinco
-----
how do you stop a mexican from robbing
your house?
put up a help-wanted sign
-----
What's the difference between a bench
and a Mexican?
A bench can support a family (sorry,
that one is really mean)
-----
What is it when a Mexican is taking a
shower?
A miracle.
-----
What do you call a pool with a mexican
in it?
Bean Dip.
-----
What do Mexicans pick in the off season?
Their nose.
-----
A bunch of Mexicans are running down a
hill, what is going on?
Jail Break.
-----
What do you call a Mexican driving a
BMW?
Grand Theft Auto.
-----
Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Any Mexican that can run jump or swim is
in the US!
-----
Why wasn't Jesus born in Mexico?
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.
(burn)
-----
Why do Mexicans drive low riders?
They are too short to get into any other
type of car.
-----
What is the greatest Mexican invention?
A solar powered flash light.
-----
Why do Mexicans re-fry their beans?
Have you seen a Mexican do anything
right the first time?
-----
What do you do when a Mexican is riding
a bike?
Chase after him, it's probably yours!
----
Why are Mexicans so short?
When they're young, their parents say,
"When you get bigger you have to get a
good job."
----
What do you call a Mexican without a
lawn mower?
Unemployed.
----
How many Mexicans does it take to screw
in a light bulb?
Doesn't matter, they're to short to
reach the socket.
----
How do you get 50 Mexicans is a phone
booth?
Throw food stamps in it.
----
An Arab, Frenchman, American and a
Mexican are riding down the highway. The
Arab picks up an AK-47. He shoots a
couple of rounds and then throws the gun
out the window. The American asks him
why he through the gun out the window
and the Arab says they have so many of
those where he is from he doesn't care
about what happens to them.
The Frenchman picks up a bottle of wine
and drinks a little and throws it out
the window. The American asks him why he
tossed it. The Frenchman says they have
so much of it where he is from he
doesn't care what happens to it.
The American picks up the Mexican and
throws him out the window.
-----
Two Americans and a Mexican are
exploring in Africa and they stumble
upon a tribe. The chief of the tribe
tells the explorers that they are going
to get fruit shoved up their butts and
if they laugh they are going to get
killed. Luckly, the Chief tells them
they get to pick their own fruit. The
two whittes pick berries and the Chief
shoves it up their butts. They both
laugh their heads off. In heaven God
asks them why they laughed. And the
Americans reply, "The Mexican picked a
watermelon."
-----
A little Mexican boy goes into the
kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts
his hand in the flour and wipes it all
over his face. He says, "Mom, look - I'm
a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the
face and says, "Go show your father." He
goes to his dad in the living room and
says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His
dad slaps him hard in the face and says,
"Go show your grandmother." The boy goes
into his grandmother's room and say,
"Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His
grandmother slaps him in the face and
sends him back to his mother. His mother
says, "See, did you learn anything from
that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure
did! I have only been white for five
minutes and I already hate you
Mexicans!"
-----
Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a
German, an American, and a Mexican, and
they get captured by some Amazons. The
head of the tribe says to the German,
"What do you want on your back for your
whipping?" The German responds, "I will
take oil!" So they put oil on his back,
and a large Amazon whips him ten times.
When he is finished the German has these
huge welts on his back, and he can
hardly move. The Amazons haul the German
away, and say to the Mexican, "What do
you want on your back?" "I will take
nothing!" says the Mexican, and he
stands there straight and takes his ten
lashings without a single flinch. "What
will you take on your back?" the Amazons
ask the American. He responds, "I'll
take the Mexican."
----
An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and
Texan were flying across country on a
small plane when the pilot comes on the
loud speaker and says " We're having
mechanical problems and the only way we
can make it to the next airport is for 3
of you to open the door and jump, at
least one of you can survive" The four
open the door and look out below. The
Englishman takes a deep breath and
hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and
hollers "Viva La France" and he also
jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so
he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he
grabs the Mexican and throws him out of
the plane.
----
What do you call a Mexican with a rubber
toe?
Roberto
---------------------------------------------
Are You The Perfect Chicano Schmuck?
| Question
|
Yes
|
No
|
| I get all my news from major
media sources and it is
accurate, truthful, and good
journalism. |
___ |
___ |
| I believe the US two party
system actually elects the
President and Congressional
members. |
___ |
___ |
| I think paper money is worth
something and Wall Street is
necessary. |
___ |
___ |
| I believe all my votes are
counted and tabulated accurately
and honestly. |
___ |
___ |
| I think wars are necessary
and inevitable, and that there
are actually "rebels" behind the
"problems" in the Mid East. |
___ |
___ |
| I think the TSA is there to
protect me. |
___ |
___ |
| I think the EPA totally
cares for, and works to protect,
the natural environment, for
citizens. |
___ |
___ |
| I think the FDA totally
cares for, and works to protect,
the safety of the national food
supply for citizens. |
___ |
___ |
| I think the CDC totally
cares for, and works to protect,
the health and safety of
citizens. |
___ |
___ |
| I believe a difference of
opinion or belief, religious or
otherwise, and concerns about
illegal immigration, gay
marriage or abortion equals
"hate". |
___ |
___ |
| I think Lady Gaga is
awesome. |
___ |
___ |
| I think sex is just sex, and
morals are passe'. |
___ |
___ |
| I think the Federal Reserve
is just a big government bank
and is necessary, trustworthy,
and has my best interest at
heart.. |
___ |
___ |
| I think "conspiracy
theories" like Obama's origin,
UFO's, 911, OKC, the Aurora
shootings, the NWO, "chemtrails",
Morgellons, etc are all bunk.
They wouldn't do
thaaaaaat. |
___ |
___ |
| I believe government
entitlement programs like
welfare and subsidies are
rights. |
___ |
___ |
| I think cell phones, smart
meters, x-rays, and wireless
technologies, and nuclear energy
are safe. |
___ |
___ |
| I think Wal Mart is awesome. |
___ |
___ |
| I think the opening
ceremonies of the 2012 Olympics
were awesome. |
___ |
___ |
| I know more about football
or who's on Dancing With the
Stars than what is
happening in my child's
classroom. |
___ |
___ |
| I think vaccines and
fluoridated water and
anti-depressants are safe, and
for my benefit. |
___ |
___ |
| I think marijuana is the
devil's weed and dangerous with
no medicinal benefits
whatsoever. |
___ |
___ |
| I think race, gender, or age
make a difference. |
___ |
___ |
| I think owning guns for
protection of life and property
is wrong and dangerous. |
___ |
___ |
| I think the government has
my best interest at heart. |
___ |
___ |
| I think, "What's love got to
do with it?" |
___ |
___ |
| I think Facebook and Twitter
are awesome. |
___ |
___ |
| I think I am not a slave. |
___ |
___ |
Scoring
To determine your score and find out
how big of a chicano schmuck you
are...add up your "Yes" responses and
check the legend below:
0..You
are a rare breed, nearly extinct. You
don't "think", you know that
you are not a slave. You need to
reproduce immediately. You strike fear
into the holes where the hearts of the
evil creeps in charge should be. May the
force be with you. Namaste'.
1 - 6..Obviously
you have a clue as to what is going on
in the US and across the world, and are
most likely losing sleep, or are at
least mildly depressed. (Try to stay off
the meds.) Tackling those last few areas
will be difficult, but try to endure.
You're worth it.
7 - 12..Although
you may have a grasp of the reality of
some issues, you are still holding on to
some illusions. You think Alex Jones is
a "truth seeker". You could benefit from
more research and self determination.
Think of it as taking your selfhood
back.
13 - 19..You
are well on your way to becoming a
successful schmuck. Look forward to
increasing relinquishment of your
personal power.
20 - 26..You
are what is commonly referred to as a "sheeple",
which, like schmuck, is a perjorative.
Good Luck.
27..You
are a Perfect schmuck! And I mean that
in the nicest way possible. So you know
what that makes you. You are totally
compromised as a true planetary human
being and US citizen. You have played
right into their hands, and
should seek help immediately, if it's
not too late already.
Wasn't that fun?
So, now you know your score. Some of
you may take that information and have a
"light bulb" moment and try to escape
the path to Schmucktopia. I wish you
well on your honorable quest.
The rest of you? Well...you'll just
keep on being schmucky, more, or less, I
suppose. For the sake of this nation,
and humanity, I hope it's less.
